On the Downward Spiral

I don't know how many people wake up in the morning thinking that today could be the end.  I doubt someone gets out of bed and wonders am I going to be murdered by a random act of senseless violence?  Is my mundane trip to the grocery store going to end my life?  It feels like today there are so many external threats to our safety, even though if you look at the statistics, it's technically safer now than it's ever been.  Somehow I can't shake the ever-present feeling that I shouldn't get too comfortable and should always be prepared for something horrible to happen.  It's not because my life has a history of terrible incidents.  I doubt someone who finds themselves in the middle of a mass shooting or forest fire could have seen it coming because they just faced that same kind of problem last year.  I try to not give into fear mongering, however, I can't help but wonder how is my story going to end.  I'm old enough now that death is not some vague thing that could possibly happen at some distant time, but instead it could be literally around the corner.  This of course starts the runaway train of thoughts that has me wondering will I be ready when it happens?  What will happen to my family?  Granted when it does happen, I'll be dead so most of my Earthly concerns will no longer be anything I have to worry about.  The thing is, I'm still alive, so I'm still worried about what the consequences of my death will be on the world around me.

The whole thing got me thinking about not just my own end, but the end of things in general.  For instance, what is going to happen to my car when I'm done with it or the next person after that?  What happens to the things in our lives when they're no longer in our lives?  Maybe they end up in a festering pile somewhere.  If you live in a fairly green place, you may have a vision that all the stuff you use will somehow magically get recycled and put back into the perpetual loop of usefulness.  I recycle, but I'm pretty confident that most of the stuff that goes int the bin ends up rotting away somewhere out of sight and mind.  For the most part I've been one to try and pass something along if I'm no longer using it.  Eventually though, everything comes to its end.  What is that though?  Most of us probably don't get to truly see the final destination of the things in our lives.

If you were to go back and talk to people from the different eras, it's very likely that they all shared similar fears about the world seemingly spinning out of control.  Each one convinced that things had never been as bad as they were right then.  Today is no different.  The country feels increasingly divided on fundamental issues.  Each side is convinced that they are right and treats anyone opposed to them as the enemy.  It's gotten to the point that I have to wonder if there is any empathy left in the world beyond the initial shock of sadness as you look at your phone and see that heartbreaking headline with numbers that represent people impacted by some tragedy.  I've said before that you have to mentally and emotionally shield yourself otherwise you can drown in the sadness of the world.  Still, it seems like the constant barrage of disasters and violence has gotten us to the point that we willingly forget until the next time something happens. 

Mass shooting, we argue about gun control and the Second Amendment and how it wasn't the weapon that killed those people, but rather the mentally unstable person.  Never mind that we've created a society where it's just accepted that if you want an instrument of death, you just need to go to the store and pick one up.  If someone questions that ability, it immediately devolves into a screaming match between two parties who don't want to hear the other side, much less change their mind.  So while we argue endlessly, the people who have been hurt by gun violence get drowned out by the rhetoric and posturing.  It's easy to debate theoretical ideas in the abstract.  When you're running for your life while someone is shooting at you or hearing that someone you love was a victim of unspeakable violence, it must seem that much more hopeless knowing that regardless of outcome, nothing will change.  The next person this happens to will experience that same hopeless terror of being a statistic in some debate.

Hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, mudslides, and forest fires all remind us that the Earth doesn't give a shit about our petty little problems.  Storms are more frequent and stronger, but as a nation we still can't agree on the scientific facts because doing so would mean some major changes have to happen.  That could cost someone money or force them to abandon what they've been doing their whole life.  It's one thing to be skeptical of something you don't fully understand.  It's another to dismiss it outright because it doesn't match with what's already in your head.  It's another thing entirely to purposefully work against the greater good of people and the planet in order to appease those who profit from harmful industries.  It honestly feels like our country is being run by cartoon villains.  The problem is we don't have Captain Planet or The Avengers protecting us.

Some of the worst aspects of all this is the affect it's had on me internally.  I find myself more likely to stay away from people.  I'm constantly concerned that people are in it for themselves and will take what they can, when they can.  The logical part of my brain keeps trying to remind me that most people are good.  They want what's best for their family and the people they care about.  Still, as I'm driving down the road, I just see the opposition.  Everyone is trying to take.  There isn't enough for everyone and someone is going to get left behind.  The whole world is not the enemy, but it sure feels like it's not a very hospitable place right now.

On Fatherhood

As with many things in life, it's hard to know how it's really going to be until you experience it.  No matter how much preparation you think you have, when the actual time comes, you are just along for the ride and hope that you don't mess up too bad.  People would say how you don't know how you'll be able to love someone as much as you do your children.  You think, I've experienced love before, this must just be more of it.  It's amazing how much of an understatement that really becomes once you look into the eyes of your child.  For a father it's a little different because it takes a few months of looking into their eyes before they start to show signs of recognition and understanding that you as an entity are going to keep showing up.  Also after a few months they transform so much and into the start of a person.  Plus it doesn't hurt that my daughter thinks I'm the most hilarious shaved ape out there.

The part that they don't really talk to you about is the sheer terror that's constantly in the background.  It's a bit like that low level hum you hear when near power lines.  Even when things are going well and you've had a good dad moment, I feel it in the back of my mind.  If you read the news for even a minute, you get the impression that the survival rate of the average person is pretty bleak.  If you are lucky enough to avoid some random tragedy or bout of senseless violence, then there is a whole host of parasites, viruses, and cancers that are willing to eat you from the inside.  Then again it seems like the whole point of the news is to keep you paying attention to the news for just a little longer.  Is the world really such a terrible place?  Is life really that hard?  I know that for some people it's harder and shorter than it should be, but we've been blessed with a fairly safe and happy environment.  Still, I look at her and don't like thinking about there being a moment when she figures out that the world isn't as magical as I've made it out to be.  Sometimes I wish I could just take her out of this reality and off into cartoon land.  The logical part of me knows that this isn't fair to her as a person, but I don't know how to handle when they find out that the world as a whole doesn't really care about them in the way that their people care about them as an individual.  I wonder about what lies I'll have to tell to keep her safe a little longer.

I've found myself looking at everyone very differently.  Seeing my daughter experiencing the world for the first time, I wonder how any person becomes what they are today.  Even the asshole who cut me off this morning was once a child.  Once, a long time ago, they had a world of potential, where they could dream of doing or being anything.  They still may be on that journey, but that route went directly in front of MY journey.  Granted it doesn't always change the way I interact with people because I'm still me.  There are moments where I can't help but wonder how someone's life brought them from being a wide-eyed child to a cynic.  I suppose one could ask the same of me and I had a pretty good childhood.  I look differently at various forms of entertainment too.  Movies and television where characters are killed or hurt make me wonder what would it be like to be their parents.  I still enjoy the things I always have, it's just now there is an added bit of empathy that intrudes in on everything.

I worry about what she's going to be like when she's old enough to realize I'm not the funniest person on the planet.  There will come a time when she doesn't want to hang out with me, which only makes me want to spend that much more time with her now.  I want her to be smart and clever and funny and able to exist in the world without me because if everything goes according to plan that's how it's going to be.  I worry about being around for as much of her life as possible.  I worry that all those stupid cheeseburgers have quietly stolen years from me.  I worry that one day I'll be driving and look right when I should have looked left and have my story with her end.  I worry about her life and all the things that could happen and won't even say them here, in some superstitious belief that I don't want to give them power, in the event that there is some malevolent entity controlling our reality that would find humor in taking my daughter from me.  I worry about how she's going to handle love.  I wonder if she'll find a partner in life like I did.  I hope it doesn't take her as long to get there as it did me, even if it was worth the wait.  I worry that I may never get to see her own children, if she decides to have them.  Basically I worry about everything.

Even with all that being said, I've been rewarded with this tiny happy, crazy, curious person in progress that looks to me like I'm the expert on life.  It would be silly to say I hope I don't screw up because it seems impossible to not make mistakes along the way.  I just hope that she's able to forgive me for not having all the answers.

On Object Permanence

Throughout most of my life the decisions I've made have been fairly reversible.  That's not to say that they weren't big or even life-altering decisions, but the vast majority of them have been decisions I could ultimately change my mind about later.  Sure it could cost me a large some of money or time or even a bit of humiliation.  There could be a cost and if I wanted to pay it, then I could potentially undo what I just did.  Part of this has been because my decisions have only had an effect on just my own life.  If I wanted to move from Colorado to Arizona or from Arizona back to Colorado with only a couple of weeks lead time, then it wasn't really a problem for anyone except me.

Some could argue that there is a sense of freedom to being able to pick up and go at a moment's notice.  The whole world has opportunities just around the next corner, it's just up to you to go off and find them.  While I was young that was both amazing and terrible.  It was great being able to throw everything I owned into a truck, toss the stuff that didn't, and then drive off into the sunset and onto the next adventure.  If I thought about it too much, I'd start to realize that my life was so temporary that I could leave it behind with very little notice.  It felt like I was always just getting started.  The real problem was always my inability to see what I was leaving because I was so focused on where I was going, with hopes that just over the next hill would be the thing I thought I was looking for.  Every place I left, I left people and a life, even if that life wasn't exactly what I thought I wanted.  I think it was easier to leave because I knew that if things didn't work out, then I could easily return.

It's only been very recently in my life that my decisions have started becoming more permanent.  It's not always easy for me to recognize that because my old mindset creeps back in and I think the person I'm being introduced to is just another face in the crowd.  Nope, that's a future family member.  The house I'm moving into isn't just some random apartment that I'll ditch in a year or so when the lease is up.  Even my career is changing.  It used to be a string of unrelated jobs, where as long as it paid well and they didn't treat me like garbage, then I'd stick around for a year or so.  It's been difficult for me at times because living a momentary life meant that while you wouldn't have to deal with anything terrible for too long, it also meant that I wouldn't really feel attached to anything in a meaningful way.  It's only after I had left something/someone behind that I'd realize how good it was for me.

I'm about to have what could be considered the most permanent life event.  I woke up one day and realized that when my child is born, I'll forever be her father.  No matter what else happens in my life, that will always be true.  My life and the choices in it will stop being so fleeting and start becoming more permanent aspects of my world.  It's almost as though all those one-off decisions and events have been leading to this.  The one that matters most.  It's a little intimidating to think about.  It's something I've wanted for a long time, but it's always been an abstract.  Very soon it will be a reality and it makes me want to be better than I currently am.  

On How It Could Be

There are many times in my life when I wonder how things could be.  Maybe not so much a perfect world, but maybe a slightly better one.  I don't know if we could ever achieve perfection.  It's something of a fool's errand to think you could reach it.  It shouldn't stop us from trying though.  Plus I don't know how we would react if we found ourselves in a perfect world.  No, I sometimes think about what would it be like if things were just a little bit different.  Sometimes it's seemingly small changes that could have a huge impact.  Like what if our internet was cheaper and faster?  What if it was free?  I try to imagine what life could be like if everyone across the country was connected by incredibly fast connections to each other.  Could we create true virtual experience that brought us together, even though we're miles apart?  I know that technology isn't always the answer to bringing people together.  When used right though, it can bridge some of those gaps.

What could the world be like if our teachers were some of the best paid, best educated, most respected people in our society?  I have nothing against athletes, movie stars, or pop singers.  I enjoy a lot of what they do.  Honestly though aren't they a bit like junk food?  Watching someone excel at sports is a great experience.  It probably encourages young people to see what they can accomplish with their own bodies either alone or within a team.  That part is great and should be applauded.  To an outside observer it must seem strange that we give the most money to someone who can put a ball through a net better than anyone else.  When you go home after seeing that you're life isn't changed all that much.  Sure it may have been exciting in the moment, but that wasn't your moment.  That was someone else's fabricated moment.  With movies and music there can be a story being told.  Someone can transport you to an imaginary place and time.  They can make you think about things in a different way.  Even with that we're essentially saying that the guy who grew out a beard and pretended to be a fur trapper this year is one of the most important people, at least from a financial perspective.  Meanwhile the person who gets up early every day so they can sit with a student to help them learn the fundamentals of life makes enough money to live, but still has to worry about money when it comes summer time.  Imagine if the salary of the athlete and the teacher were reversed?

I wonder what it could be like if our political system were just a little bit better.  If you felt like the people elected to represent you were not only someone you could trust, but someone you respected.  And not because you paid them or promised them a favor in return, but because as your representative they wanted not just the best for you, but for all of us.  I'm not a politician and I know that the world is complicated.  It's just a little sad to me that in order to get anywhere in the professional world of politics you have to be something of a shark already.  Or at least keep yourself surrounded by sharks for protection.  How can you hope to accomplish anything if you're spending so much of your time trying to not get eaten by the system?  I try to imagine a world where you know in your heart that the government is an institute for good and that they are working hard at making the world better for everyone.

It's mostly a dream.  It's not much different than fantasizing about what you'd do if you won the lottery.  It seems like the trick is to accept that the world may not be anywhere close to perfect, but it has the potential to be better.  And if that's not always possible, we always have the choice to be a little bit better ourselves.  Maybe that's enough.

On the Unreliable Narration of Our Minds

Where do our memories go when we're not remembering them?  Somewhere within our minds are all these experiences and feelings that have occurred throughout our lives.  We don't know how they get put there or how we get them out when we want them.  Our very perception of reality is being monitored by a system we don't fully understand and have very little control over.

There have been several times in the last few years where someone I grew up with would reminisce with me about our shared past and I have no memory of the event.  I have to take their word for it that it happened.  And even more important, that it happened the way they remember it.  It's a strange thing to have pieces of my own past that others remember and I don't.  Granted there are whole chunks of my early childhood that I can't remember because I was way too young to retain those memories.  Both of my parents may not remember those events either.  Logically, I know that the event must have happened, but if something happens and no one can remember it, how do you know what is real?  Maybe it falls into that same category as the soundless tree in the woods.  What if I remember something one way and someone else remembers it differently?  What is the truth?  Is there a singular truth when it comes to memory?  If I can't remember something then I have to rely on someone else's memory to tell me what happened and that's a tricky thing when we already know that memory can't be trusted, even when it bothers to show up.

Have you ever been reminded of something you hadn't thought of in a very long time?  It could have been years since you heard a song or saw a person or thought of that birthday party where the clown caught on fire.  Suddenly the memory comes flooding back to the forefront of your mind.  Where did it come from?  How do I know what I'm remembering is the 'real' event and not some cobbled together amalgamation of memory and imagination?  It's very weird to think that today may not be remembered very well a year from now.  Even though this moment now is so clear in your mind, we seem to have very little control over what items make it into our long term memory.  How much of our experience just fades away into nothing?

Today's world may be different because we as a society are so much more focused on capturing the moment, even if the moment is us eating a bacon taco with our friends on a random Tuesday evening.  I'm not saying selfies and other forms of self-narration are bad.  It's just that I've already covered how things like Facebook are a highlight reel of your life events.  It's not the real record of truth, even though the outside world may think you lead an amazing life because you spent three months traveling the world and have all these great pictures standing next to things you see in movies.  No one else gets to remember all the non-picture-worthy moments except us.

When I lived alone it became easy to assume that my narration was the right one.  There wasn't anyone around to tell me differently.  You start to believe everything you think, which may not always be what really happened.  Now that I live with someone, there is a constant second observer to the events.  Granted there are many times where we both experience something and immediately disagree on what actually happened, which really causes one to question if the person they're talking to is in fact crazy.  The even scary part is, what if they're not and it's you who just went through something and perceived it completely out of whack with reality?  Having a partner with you is both a blessing and a curse because you're often forced to immediately look back at something that happened, but through different eyes.  Does this second person change the memory that would have been formed?  Are you both now remembering variations on single event?  Given enough time how will you know if your version is even close to what happened?

On the Center of the Universe

After over a year of planning we were able to come together and make our relationship 'official'.  Mostly it was a chance to have all of our friends and family around us to share in a ceremony that shows our commitment to each other and our future together.  The entire time we were planning I kept thinking to myself that I didn't want to put anyone out.  I didn't want to mess with their Labor Day plans.  It is the last holiday of the summer and that can be important.  Much more important than me.  We sent out the invites and I kept asking myself if I was being too presumptuous to ask people to spend nearly three days hanging out with me.  There were moments when I thought, if no one shows up I wouldn't really blame them.  I mean I'm just me.

Not all that long ago I used to strive to keep my various worlds separated from each other.  I'm not sure why I did that.  Mostly I think it was because I wanted to separate myself.  I could be this way with one person because that's how they knew me.  With someone else I could be somewhat different.  There was also that fear that this aspect would conflict with that aspect and it would call into question if one of them should go.  This weekend all of my worlds collided with each other in a fantastic explosion.  Friends and family from past and present and all over the country came to a single place at the same time.  I was amazed at the people who took the time to come and spend a weekend with me.  Had I somehow tricked them into making Labor Day weekend all about me?

The brothers who I grew up with as my second family.  My lunatic best friend from college.  The quiet man with a huge heart, who made his home my home.  The one who started as a voice over the internet has become a trusted friend.  Someone who is years younger than me, but astounds me with his integrity every time we speak.  The most recent friend, who's joy for life constantly drives me to look at things in new and different ways.  A baby brother, who has grown up to be such an amazing man that I find myself looking up to him.  Having any one of these people in my life would make me a lucky man.  To have all of them with me for one of the biggest events of my life makes me incredibly blessed in a way that I didn't think I deserved.

Saying 'thank you' or 'I love you' didn't seem like enough.  It's not like how it is in movies when the music swells or the moment goes into slow motion so you know that it's important.  Instead all the things I wanted to say in the moment kept getting drowned out by those silly emotions that kept smashing through.  I only hope that my bumbling muttering somehow got the message across.

When I was little I thought the world revolved around me.  Most little kids think this because they have no concept of their place in such a large place.  As I got older I started to realize that I was not, in fact, the center of the universe.  I was only the center of mine.  Over the weekend that changed for me.  The center is now someone else, with a tiny additional center coming soon to a universe near you!  I never thought I'd find something more important than myself to focus on, but now that she's here, I wonder what was I thinking all this time up until now.  I'm just glad everyone got to see my universe realign itself to how it was always meant to be.

Travel Log: The Jungle Lake

After several days in a large city we decided to 'get away from it all' for a little bit. We hoped on a bus headed to a remote town out near the national park. It's a little disarming when you get to a bus station and the bus is getting ready to leave as you hop on board. We kept asking if we were on the right one and people would just nod. Apparently we found the locals bus, meaning we were the only white faces on board. Even still they nearly took off without us at one of the rest stops when the twenty minute break was closer to thirteen. When we arrived at our town a taxi driver took us down to the end of a long dirt road where our lodge was. We were told about our rooms and the price, which was kind of funny because at that point we didn't have a whole lot of options. Thankfully the room was nice even if we did end up sharing our bed with a variety of different critters. Eventually you get too tired to care if that feeling on your leg is in your mind or really a bug looking for a warm place to bed down. You can tell you're in for an adventure when the person at the front desk makes a point to tell you to lock your windows and doors because the monkeys steal anything and when swimming in the river always keep moving so the puffer fish won't bite you.

It's not until you lose something that you realize what it was worth. The next day we took another taxi into the park, rode a long boat for an hour, until we came to our cabins on the shore. They were situated on floating logs like something out of  Waterworld. Knowing they were only for storing our bag and sleeping it wasn't something we really thought about too much. We came out here to experience the jungle...with a guide, fresh water, and provided meals. Before we left for the park we were told only take swimming gear, the cameras, sunscreen, a headlamp, and towels. Before we left on our first trek to the cave we were told just bring the camera and have your swimsuits on. Before we entered the cave we were told to drop everything else that we might still have. It was both thrilling and terrifying to strip down even further before walking into the darkness.

In any group activity the dynamic of the group is made up of its people. A single person can change that when you're all strangers. While everyone seemed nice enough there was this overall feeling throughout the group that this experience was some thing you had to get through rather than enjoy. The hike to the cave was done in a way that felt like passing through checkpoints. I would have preferred to enjoy the trek to the cave as much as the cave itself. Once we entered the cave that feeling didn't go away. It was almost like being on a Disney ride where you're on rails and being pulled along in a way to see everything, but not enough time could be spent experiencing it. That's not to say the cave was bad. It was my favorite part of the day, however, there were people in our group who moved through things like they were checking them off a list. Once they got a picture they moved on and you had better keep up. It was at that point when I felt like a tourist.

One of the things we hoped for on this whole trip was to make travel friends. People who share our ideas for travel and also want to make friends as they go through their adventures. We were lucky early on to meet a group that had been traveling for over a year and were incredibly nice. We even sort of traveled with them for a little bit of time. Meeting up at a few different places over the course of a week. It was nice having friends, even if for a little bit. Then thing is though in order to make friends both sides have to be open to the idea of it. Admittedly there are a lot of times where I'm content to just go along without having to be 'on' for new people, but there are times when things work out just right and you meet someone unexpected. This part of the trip was equal parts of both. Many of the people were quick to talk to us and yet there was at least one couple that seemed to keep everyone on guard. Normally I'm not concerned about the language thing. Being an American we just sort of barely get by knowing English. This time though it was hard because even in our small group of European tourists there were several times were it felt like we were being intentionally excluded from the conversation as people would suddenly start speaking in their native language while you were sitting next to them. Now I know that I shouldn't expect everyone to speak my language and some people may not feel comfortable with English as a second language. That comes with traveling abroad. This was something else. This was the equivalent of holding your hand to someone's ear and whispering while looking directly at the person you're talking about. I don't need to get to know that kind of person. We have plenty of those kinds of people back home.

Don't get me wrong. The jungle adventure was fun, even with some unfriendly people, sunburn, and a few scrapes and buises. Going on it makes one appreciate little things a lot more, which I think is another thing we wanted from this trip as a whole. A little bit of perspective. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle.

On the War Within

Sometimes it's possible to have two conflicting thoughts in your head at the same time.  It used to be a rarity that this would happen, but it seems to be happening more and more lately.  For as long as I can remember I've always been hit with two different ideas of what would potentially make me happy.  A part of me wants the simple life.  Maybe a nice country house out in the middle of nowhere.  To be surrounded by nature and mostly left in isolation.  The idea of a more quaint kind of life has always been appealing to me.  Now I know that a farmer's or rancher's life is pretty hard work, but at the end of the day you always knew what you accomplished.  Maybe it's the dream of being somewhat self-sufficient that was the draw for me.  In stories there would always be the main character who had escaped the craziness of the outside world and lived in isolation.  A cabin in the woods where they hunt for their food and keep a garden.  A faithful dog and horse and the ability to live off the land where all they needed.  Some days that sounds like absolute heaven.

The problem is for all the trouble that comes with being around people, there is a lot of good from them too.  By nature we're social creatures and crave interaction with others.  Granted some of us have a shorter tolerance than others, but being around other human beings can bring out some of the best of us.  When we're alone there is little to push us to be more than we are.  Sure a person may strive to be better.  It's just that when we're by ourselves the only measuring stick we have is what we come up with.  Now a great many things can come from being alone.  You can really learn about who you are if you ever give yourself a chance to just sit and be alone with yourself.  That may sound strange, but try it sometime.  Turn off as much external stimulation as possible and just be with yourself.  At first your mind may feel as though it's starved for input, but eventually you'll settle down and that's when you'll start getting to know yourself a bit more.  You may finally start facing certain things about yourself that you didn't know where there.  This can be both good and frightening as sometimes it's easier to brush things under the carpet.  There is a reason why solitary confinement is considered a punishment.  After awhile we need other people in much the same way that we need food and water.  There is something about having people around that we simply have to have.  Like anything else, moderation is key.

So there is that part of me that wants to go off and live like Jeremiah Johnson, before the whole being attacked constantly by Indians, surviving off the land and just being left alone.  Then there is another part of me that wants something completely different.  This part wants to be surrounded by people of various relationships.  Friends, family, wacky neighbors, and plenty of that-guy-you-know type people.  This part of me also is fascinated with possibilities.  Technical advancements.  Scientific discoveries.  Medical breakthroughs.  Our place in the global community.  The future of all mankind.  This part of me is excited to hear about what new greatness exists just around the corner.  I want to be a part of it, even if only on the sideline as an amateur enthusiast.   Trivial things like movies, art, literature, and video games are all sources of potential greatness and joy.  I see these things and it's like being a kid again, just stunned with happiness that they exist in my time.  Not only do I see these things I want to share my experiences with others and have them do the same with me.  This is where our craving for interaction with other people really comes into play.  I could read something and think one thing and then someone else reads the same thing and thinks something slightly different.  We talk about it and we both realize we never would have come to those thoughts without each other.  It makes what we read that much more enjoyable because it takes on additional meanings.  To me that's the best part of people.

Not very long ago it felt like I woke up one day and it felt like much of the world was annoyingly bad.  The things I liked once were now stupid to me.  My tolerance for this spreading stupidity was shrinking quickly.  Watching TV I'd see more and more signs that we as a society are embracing mediocrity and celebrating the dumb while complaining about how it's not fair that those people over there have it better than us.  I was starting to feel very much disenchanted with just about everything.  How come I couldn't find joy in the little things like I used to?  Things couldn't really be as bad as they seemed.  There had to be some good out there in the world.  How come I couldn't see it?  This is where the two conflicting sides of me start going to work.  If the world is full of stupid crap and there aren't any signs of it getting better, then maybe it would be good to extricate myself from the world.  It's probably a pretty natural feeling by many people.  They see the world seemingly running away into a chaotic mess that has lost all sense of meaning.  Why let yourself become a part of this ever increasing problem?  Maybe it's just best to escape while it's still an option.

The thing is that even if you don't see the good in the world it's still out there.  You're just not looking hard enough.  It can be difficult to break out of the assumption that everything is stupid.  Sure there will always be stupidity and people who seem to have the sole purpose on this planet to get in your way or make you seriously question our future as a species.  For every stupid person out there exists someone brilliant.  Someone trying to do good and overcome the idea that the lowest common denominator is good enough.  You just have to look for them with a little more effort.  It's too easy to accept what's presented to us on a daily basis.  That the world is in disarray.  That we should be afraid of our neighbor.  That we should accept the cheapest possible version of something and be thankful for it.  Instead maybe it would be best to stop taking the version of someone else as the truth and go out and see for ourselves.  Not everything is going to be wonderful, but not everything is going to be horrifying either.  We've gotten to a point where it takes a lot to get our attention so in turn only extremes can catch our eye.  Maybe by turning off the so-called filters that actually act as amplifiers we can start to get back to what's real.  For me the hope is that by doing so I can hopefully figure out if the two parts of me can come to some kind of agreement on what would make them happy.

On Good...or Good Enough

What makes a person good?  I've talked about evil before and it's sometimes fairly obvious why something is evil, but even then it's all really subjective and based on the point of view at the time.  So what makes someone a good person, if there is such a thing?  Maybe it's in the things they do.  People are often judged by their actions so it's the most apparent indicator that someone is good.  Maybe it goes deeper than that.  What if the actions are only what's on the surface?  It could be that true goodness is tied to intent.  I've talked about cheating before.  Some people think that cheating really only occurs when sex is involved, or at least physical contact.  I personally think it's something more.  If you enter a situation with the intention of cheating, but something prevents it from happening then you're still a cheater.  Just because you didn't or couldn't act on it doesn't change what you intended to do.  Some may think that's a little harsh and if you were to apply those kind of standards to other aspects of life then we have a lot of cheaters, killers, and thieves walking around who simply haven't acted on what's in their hearts.  That actually brings up the question of:  Is good just the absence of evil or is evil simply the absence of good intention?

If you were to ask the average person if they thought they were good, most would probably say for the most part they are.  They may say that they're a bit of an asshole at times, but most people have moments where they're not exactly nice.  More to the point, most people think what they're doing is right, or at least justified.  So to them their actions, and in turn themselves, are good.  Or at least good enough.  Now for the most part there are some general accepted forms of being good.  Helping people, thinking of more than just yourself, and actively trying to spread love/joy/happiness to the world around you.  In most societies those things are considered to be virtuous.  However, to someone who would rather see the destruction of a people, place, or thing would the good person really be good for them?  For them it would likely run contrary to what they ultimately want and while you may not be able to go as far as to say for them good is evil, you couldn't exactly say that a good person is held in good standing.  This goes back to the argument that maybe good and evil is only in the eye of the beholder.

Still it doesn't really answer the question of what makes a person good.  It also kind of circles the point of what makes us different from the animals or a machine that could emulate our behavior.  One might say what differentiates us is the fact that we use rational thought and logic.  That we sense the world around us and understand our place within it.  I can tell you right now if that's what separates us from the animals or a machine then I'm next to failing as a human because I rarely know my place in the world and am even less likely to use rational thought.  One may also say that rational thought isn't enough to set us apart.  It takes something more.  It takes love, compassion, or empathy to be a truly good person.  Without these traits then we're no better than some reptile or robot.

I won't get too much into love because I've talked about it before, but I will talk about empathy.  I'd like to believe that most people are at least somewhat empathetic when it comes to people around them.  Now I know it's hard with so many people on the planet and life moving so fast.  If you allow yourself to empathize with everyone and everything you'd drown in a sea of emotion.  Still with the people closest to us we understand how they're feeling or how something impacts their life.  It's when we use that understanding to guide our own actions that we start to get closer to the idea of being good.  Now before I get too far I want to mention something.  When a child is growing up the first few years of their life they're in their own little self-contained world.  They have no real comprehension of the people around them.  They can only really understand their own experiences and needs.  This can be a hard concept for some people to accept because for an adult it looks like the child is being selfish.  And in a way they are, but they have no idea that there's anything else out there that matters.  As they get older they start grasp the concept that the world isn't all about them, but they are a part of something larger.  Now it's true that some people never really learn this because they still somehow believe that the most important thing is themselves.  To be fair, for the strictest sense of survival, they're right.  Assuming we only get the one body and one life then you should always be the most important thing in your world.  If you cease to exist then your world also ceases to exist and all the other things you care about go away, at least as far as you can perceive.  So if a child for the first five or so years lacks empathy what does that mean as far as the whole good thing is concerned?  Most people would argue that a child is innocent and thereby good by default until something causes them to stop being good.

I've read a bit about Asperger's and some of the main traits with it are a lack of understanding social cues, extreme self-involvement, and a lack of empathy.  If you tweaked things a little bit one way you'd have someone that would be considered a sociopath.  One of the things several people with Asperger's have done to help them fit in and behave more 'normal' is to copy what other people are doing.  It may not ever enter into their mind to ask how someone's weekend was, but after awhile they may train themselves to ask because they know it's kind of a social awareness that many people have come to expect.  So for the person with Asperger's they're not asking how the weekend was because they want to know, they're asking because they know they should want to know.  You can't throw out a blanket statement that says anyone who lacks empathy isn't a good person because someone with Asperger's or a child couldn't rationally be held to that standard.  Still it does bring up the question though what is the standard?

We've all seen movies or read stories about someone who started out with the best of intentions and somewhere along the way they paved their own road to hell.  I said before a cheater is based largely on their intention.  So what happens when the intentions were good, but somehow the actions get corrupted?  Arlo said there aren't any good guys.  There aren't any bad guys or innocent guys.  It's all just a bunch of guys.  Meaning no one can be really classified as good or bad.  Everyone is just sort of doing whatever whenever.  It's almost cynical to think about, but probably not that far from reality.  So you may think of yourself as a good person and maybe on most days you are, but if you're honest with yourself, you know there are days when that goodness takes a backseat and you do something that isn't even in the same zip code as being good.  Does that make you a bad person?  Not necessarily.  There's an old question about if people are mostly good and sometimes do bad things or generally bad and occasionally do good things.  How you judge the world also shows a bit about who you are.  I'd like to think that if a person tends to try and do good and be good and has generally good intentions towards the world that we could go ahead and say they're a good person.  Still my standards for what is 'good' may be different than yours so maybe there is no real way to know, except what's in our own mind.  Then again, maybe that's all that ever matters.

On Behind Closed Doors

I used to be really jealous of other people having fun without me. It didn't even matter if I myself was already having a good time without them. When I would hear later about what others were doing I'd get the equivalent of order envy. Sure my good time was good, but in comparison it didn't seem as good. This was worst in high school. I would hear about people off drinking or having sex and I'd think about how I spent my evening playing video games or hanging with my friends, talking about whatever we liked, just wasn't as cool. Sometimes it felt downright childish. I wish I could say that I'm completely over that type of thinking, but every so often it comes back and I question how I spent my time compared to others, who seem to be off doing adult things. Part of that comes from the fact that for most of my life I've been on my own in some form or another. Living on my own. No significant relationships to speak of. Not only capable of being alone, but preferring it to company. The problem with that was that while I wanted to be alone, I didn't exactly want to be isolated from the world. I wanted to experience things. I wanted to experience the things I assumed other people were doing all the time, without me. Life seemed like this exclusive party and I wasn't invited.

There will always be curiosity about what goes on behind closed doors. No matter how well we think we know someone, there is always a part of them that's hidden. The friend from work goes home and does who-knows-what when no one is looking. It's very likely they go home and watch TV like most bored people. Still there is that shadow of a doubt that maybe, just maybe they're doing something exciting and telling no one about it. At least not until much later. Have you ever been talking to friends, revealing little pieces of information about yourself and someone exclaims that they didn't know that about you? Or on the flip side someone drops a bomb on you that you had no idea was possible. Someone was arrested. Someone was in a threesome. Someone once did hardcore drugs on more than one occasion. Someone nearly died doing something incredible or stupid or both. The person telling the story may not think anything of it because for them it's just another aspect of their life's journey. It happened and that doesn't necessarily mean that the same behavior is still going on. Still it makes one wonder when they did whatever did the people in their life have any idea that it was happening.

With most people in our lives we're coming in most of the way through the movie. There are exceptions to this of course, but unless you're still friends with the people you grew up with and never were apart for significant periods of your life, there are going to be serious gaps in knowledge about the people we choose as friends. Most of my friends are relatively late additions to my life, arriving at the last third of the story. Others who have been around for longer have been far enough away that they too may as well have shown up after things have already gotten started. That doesn't make either of them any less my friends, but it shows that even the people closest to us have plenty of things in their lives we don't know anything about. With most of the people I know, I couldn't tell you what they do with their spare time. There are some who I'm sure lead fairly mundane lives and are perfectly happy with the occasional burst of excitement. In fact I'm pretty sure that if we were able to examine each others lives we'd find that they are about as eventful as our own. As I said though, there is still that bit of doubt, that possibly someone out there is experiencing more than us and in doing so that means we may be missing out.

People always talk about their privacy as though it's a right. Then those same people who feel it's no one's business what they do behind closed doors are the first to rail about their right to know what someone else is doing. Be it a celebrity, or politician, or even neighbor. There is this sense of entitlement that seems to be spreading with the information age. The person who gets scared at the thought of someone seeing their internet search history is also the person who feels they should be informed who that politician slept with. We want to know what everyone else is up to, but would rather no one know what we're doing, even if it's nothing special. Sometimes our fears of what other people may think are justified because no one likes to be judged. Still if you figure that just about everyone in the world has something they do which could be embarrassing if viewed by a third party, then what does it matter what someone else thinks? There was a Stephen King story about a town on an island that ran into a force of evil. This evil had a single ultimatum: give him what he wants and he'll go away. Until he got what he wanted he was going to reveal everyone's dark secrets in front of the whole town. Of course everyone gasped when they heard someone's secret and felt somewhat morally superior. At least until their own secret was revealed. It was an interesting examination of what we try to hide away behind a locked door. Those doors give us just enough protection to feel that can be ourselves, without fear of judgement. The problem is those same doors can perpetuate the illusion that what's happening behind them is more interesting than it really is. So which is better, seeing what's on the other side regardless of what's there or forever wondering exactly what's happening just out of sight?

On the First Time

We put a lot of value on firsts. A child's first birthday. Our first love. Our first broken bone. The first job we get. The first time we lose a job. As we go through life it seems like our chances at firsts go down. That's not to say we're missing out on new experiences. Life is a constantly changing series of experiences, each of which is unique because we're different when they happen. So even the same event done a second or third time could almost be thought of as the first time because up until that moment it couldn't have taken place in that exact way until it did. The first time something happens to us it tends to leave a permanent impression on us though. In some cases the first becomes the standard in which others are judged. That can be both a gift and a curse since it's not always fair to compare what has happened with what could happen. Like with many first time sexual experiences they can be awkward, painful, and ultimately a poor indicator of how future experiences will be.

Many of us may still remember our first love. The ones between the first love and today's could be a jumbled mess of memories, but that first one will always be with us in some way. I think a good part of that is because our body and mind hadn't been exposed to that emotion up until that point. Never having experienced something like that before only makes it that much more intense. Combined with the fact that when we're young everything is already more intense. As with many things in life, that level of intensity can't be sustained for very long. Eventually it fades to more manageable levels and we'd like to think that with age and experience we're better suited to handle it as we get older. Try spending some time with someone who's just gotten into a relationship. If you're lucky you may get to talk to them in about six months when things cool down from be white hot to just smoldering. In a way that so-called honeymoon period is a chance to try and recapture that intensity we first felt years ago. As I mentioned, it's just not something that can be maintained and when it passes that's when we can start to see the other person with unclouded eyes. One could argue that's when the relationship really begins.

I've talked about the different kinds of friends we have in our lives. As children our standard for allowing someone to be our friend is much looser than it is when we're adults. Sure we may know a lot of people. We may have a ton of online "friends" who we know through various aspects of our lives, but how many people in your life are actual friends? I've moved around a lot in my life and I have different friends from different places in my life. As I've gotten older some of those friends are so engrained in my life that I can't really remember a time without them. Still there was a time for all of us when the people we call friend today were nothing more than strangers. I've come up with a name for a category of friend that many of us may not even think about. I call them The First People. When you move to a new town or start a new job you often don't know anyone there. The First People are the first ones that come into our lives. In a way we lower our defenses slightly to allow for new people. Think about it, when you're firmly established in a town or job how many new people do you let into your life? You may already have a group of friends so the desire to add someone else may be minimal at best. When we're alone in a new situation it's natural to look for someone to be a companion, even if that means accepting someone we may have overlooked had we been somewhere within our comfort zone. That's not meant to say that these First People are substandard in anyway. In fact it's just the opposite. These people are in our lives almost out of necessity. Because we need them we may be exposed to a different type of person than we're used to. This can be a good thing, especially since the older we get the fewer chances we may get at experiencing something new. These First People are somewhat unique because while they're late comers to our lives, they're also the first ones to be established within whatever new venture we're on.

As I mentioned at the beginning, we put great value on the first time something happens. Anniversaries are really just a yearly celebration of something's first time. It's entirely possible that many of our first experiences are when we get hardwired a certain way. So when we're young and it seems like there are firsts around every corner, we're essentially being shaped into the person we're going to become based on how those firsts turn out. If our first job is terrible then we may be inclined to think that work in general aren't going to be much fun. While it's possible for new experiences to come along and reshape our perception of how something could be, will we always be influenced by what came first? If that's the case should we strive to make each first the best or the worst so that anything that comes afterwards has a chance of living up to what came before it?

On the Disconnect

There seems to be two types of disconnect going on in today's world. As I've mentioned the world has become so interconnected in some ways that it's nearly impossible for us to do anything without someone else being involved. At the same time we may find ourselves disassociated from those people around us. It's not just the people either. The whole world around has become filtered in such a way that we've willingly disconnected various aspects for the sake of others. I've mentioned how the internet is full of information. There's so much of it that we create custom views of it, filtering out everything unwanted. We all do it. We pay attention only to what interests us. I've found myself going weeks or months without really knowing what's going on the in the world around me. Sure I could tell you about the latest video game developments or which movies are coming out, but I couldn't tell you why those people in Wisconsin were so upset or the impact of the natural disasters around the world. The ability to filter information means the potential for a complete disconnect goes up as time goes on.

Several years ago I moved to a new town for a job. I had never lived there before and only knew the person who recommended me for the job. The company had this policy that after six months of work you would be eligible to work from home one to two days a week. Since the position was a lot of talking on the phone with customers, it was the kind of work that could be done from really anywhere. When I heard about it I was very excited to get to the point where I could telecommute multiple days a week. The idea is great in theory. You save on time by not having to fight traffic either on the way to or from the office. You save money on the gas you would have used on that trip. There was the added benefit that it allowed you to create a better balance between your life and job so that you wouldn't feel shackled to your desk. It also could potentially save the company money on resources by not having an employee come into the office. Those are all good reasons to have a policy and as I said, in theory it's a very good idea all around.

Somewhere along the way the employees started to push past the two days and make it three days. There were even some people who lived far enough away that they were able to negotiate working from home permanently. This meant that in a given work week you would spend more time away from the office than you would spend in it. For many people this started off as a good thing. We each have our own lives to live. We have responsibilities and interests that go beyond what we do at our jobs. In fact for a lot of us our jobs are simply a means to generate income to support our life outside of work. For me it was a chance to keep people constantly at arm's length why maintaining the appearance of being a part of something. Now by the time they started going to three days a week I had been with the company for several years and had become established in what was once a new town. Even still I found myself drifting further away from people. It became easier to let myself be isolated by essentially hiding in my apartment. Now sure I still had to go into the office two days a week, but the way it worked out on the days that I came into the office others were spending their working from home. It got to the point that weeks could go by without really seeing certain people. There are some people who would love nothing more than to be on their own. They want to do their job and be left alone. Now these people may be personable outside of work, but it's such a slippery slope that disconnecting from one thing may trigger a disconnect from something else.

Our society is very individualistic, which in a lot of ways is a good thing. It has allowed certain people to achieve greatness because they are not hindered by the group. In other ways though it has created a society of trees, but not a forest. I once had to give a friend a ride to another friend's apartment. My friend made the comment that the apartment complex looked like honeycomb in a bee hive, which was an interesting analogy since he was saying it in the fact that each of us went into our little hole and was completely isolated from everyone, even the person next to us. It's true though that we maintain these invisible barriers around us. I lived in a single apartment complex for nearly six years and I couldn't tell you the name of any of the people who lived next door. Sure I had seen them coming and going. I'd said hi, but like them, I never went any further than that. Maybe a part of it is a fear of having someone so close to home that turns out to be unfriendly. So instead it's better to keep the people as an unknown quantity. From a strictly safety perspective I guess I can see its validity, but on the immediate flip side it meant you allowed yourself to be surrounded by strangers. In an emergency could you even ask the person standing next to you for help?

Even with all that self-imposed isolation from people we still find ourselves saying we need to disconnect for a little bit. We need time to be alone with ourselves or with only the people we really care about. It's not easy always being 'on' and having to maintain our outside persona. There are times when we need to just be ourselves. The version that doesn't have to be polite or considerate because we're alone. It also allows us to break away from the constant barrage of information that it coming at us. It's usually at this point that we put those filters back up. We reevaluate what we want in our lives and in some cases make a conscious effort to limit things even further. It's strange that for many of us the duration we can go outside in the world gets shorter and shorter even though we spend so much time trying to separate ourselves from everyone else. Maybe it's a perpetuating cycle, the more time we spend disconnected the easier it becomes to stay that way. If it stays that way then won't we all just be a bunch of strangers?

On the Illusion

Once a long time ago I went to Florida for Christmas. It was the first time that I could remember not spending it at home, but I got to go to Disney World with my mom so it seemed like a fair trade-off. Now most of the trip was pretty good and I generally look back on the whole trip fondly. There were some rough moments though dealing with extended family. When it came time for pictures to be taken I was the only one not smiling. Back then I wasn't very good at masking my emotions (come to think of it, I'm still not all that great). So the holiday pictures from that Christmas show me pouting while everyone around me is wearing their best smiles. Some might say that I ruined that precious memory, but maybe in some strange way I preserved what it was really like. If I had been more mature I could have smiled like everyone else and years later when people looked back at those pictures they would assume that we were one big happy family. That would be the illusion of tranquility though.

I've talked about nostalgia before and how it tends to alter the past, or at least our perception of the past. They say photographs never lie, but if you've looked at a magazine in the last fifty years you'd know that just about anything can be manipulated. They say you should believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. With easy to use tools like Photoshop it's hard to know if you're really looking at reality. That's really an overt alteration of the past. In a lot of cases the illusion is a lot more subtle. A photograph captures a specific moment. Look at your current day and take five random seconds from it and imagine trying to piece together what your day was really like based on those images. Now granted those moments may be unplanned and many photos are somewhat staged. You stop what you're doing and smile for the camera. Or at the very least acknowledge that it's there.

When I first left for college I stayed in touch with a few people via email, but back then most people didn't really have steady access to a computer and those who did weren't always the best about replying. So in a lot of cases we relied on the old fashion method of writing letters to each other, most of which I still have. The thing with that though is given time eventually it falls by the wayside and you just lose contact with people. These days we have this wonderful thing called Facebook. I'm able to keep in contact with people who normally wouldn't be able to given the constant changes of email addresses or phone numbers. It's this nice central hub that covers most of the things you'd do when catching up with someone. I like being able to read about someone's day or look at pictures of them and their family. There are times when I get down about how I feel like I'm behind in the way of life progression. Looking through my friends list I see so many people my age who are married and have children. Or they're off leading these fun-filled lives. I know this because they post some picture of them at a party in Chicago or them on a sailboat in the South Pacific. The thing is though that like I said before, those pictures represent individual moments and may not exactly paint the full picture. If you're on Facebook then you know that you don't share everything that happens. It's more of a highlight reel. And with any highlight reel it tends to look more exciting than what really happened. Now those pictures and status updates are windows into a much more elaborate life, one that is filled with both the good and bad that comes with it.

So we tend to remember the past in a way that may vary from what really happened. We dream about a future that may never be. Even right now seems to be shaped by what's presented to us, be it intentionally manipulated or simply altered by our perception. Does that mean everything is really an illusion? Maybe the surface is the illusion. You look at a duck on a pond and you only see what's on the surface, but underneath there is so much more going on. People are very much the same way. How far past the surface do we really get with anyone? How much of the world around us is real? Is reality just the illusion we choose to see?

On 2010

Another year has passed us by. While 2009 felt like something that needed to be weathered, 2010 felt like the first chapter of a new book. Sure that can be said about any moment in time, but this past year seemed to mark the beginning of significant things to come.

For me the year started off both good and bad. The end of 2009 had shown me the signs that things needed to change otherwise I would be stuck in place. Like many changes, this came with a lot of pain, but in the end it was necessary to make some forward progress. So by the time the first of the year actually hit I had already been given all the information I needed to start something new. So on the first day of 2010 I both physically and emotionally ended a decade long relationship so that I could be free. This was the key to everything else. Mentally accepting the fact that I no longer needed to concern myself with someone else I could make the leap towards something new, and hopefully better. Thankfully I had a lot of support along the way.

Much like 2009, this year felt like more things were happening around me than actually to me. It feels like that, but quite a lot happened. To start it off I moved away from a place that felt more and more hostile to me. I returned back to a place where people actually seemed to be interested in me. I left a job that was intent on grinding up its employees until there was nothing left. It took most of the year to find a job to replace it and when I did, I found not just one, but a second that was even better than the first. This year also marked the end of apparent free fall through societal responsibilities. That is both good and bad. I now have expenses again, but have the means to pay them. I have to pay taxes for the first time in three years, but that means I've made enough money that the government wants their cut. There are times when it feels like I took a three year vacation from my own life and have finally come back home. Right now I'm in the process of dusting off everything and getting back into the routine of things. As I've mentioned with vacations though, they often point out the things that we'd like to escape from or possibly run towards.

Like any year there is a lot that happens over the course of 365 days. My family experienced some drastic changes. Some would say they were a long time coming, but they were no less unexpected or drastic, even if we saw them from a ways away. Lessons were learned about the consequences of our actions. They always seem to blindside us when we're getting comfortable. While in the moment it can feel larger than it is, but eventually, like everything else in our lives, it too will be another moment that fades into the past and shapes our future. My brother had such a moment and is still feeling the effects to this day. While I wish he could have avoided the method in which the lesson was given, I hope that he takes the good from it all because without that single event there is no saying how the year would have ended for him. As it is now, from that moment he can change the course he was on and move towards something better. Both of my parents are now faced with going through the world in a different way. They say that we only really appreciate the adventures after we've gone through them. While we're on them they may not seem like much fun at all. In some cases an adventure may just seem like a trial we have to endure. That may in fact be true. I think though that both my parents are ready to start their lives in ways they may have not expected or even wanted. 2010 was only the starting gun. The actual adventure is still to come. They, like the rest of us, just have to be willing to go on it.

New friends were made. Old ones went away. With technology being what it is the ability for all of us to connect or reconnect with those people from our past. Many of the people around me had to redefine themselves. Jobs were gained and lost. The limitations of the human body were discovered at the worst possible times. The gift of new life was given to both parents and those who wished more than anything to become parents. As with any year there was death. People close to us and people we know of in name only. This year didn't feel like it was a rampage to claim as much as possible before it closed. I'm sure to those who lost loved ones that point could be argued, but this year didn't seem as vindictive as the one that came before it.

2009 was the year that needed to be survived. 2010 felt like the year of freedom, both wanted and unexpected. Even if that freedom came from a seemingly terrible event. It marked the beginning. Like I said at first, 2010 felt like the start of something. Maybe that's true for every year or even every day. Looking back it seems like this last year was just a preamble for what comes next.

On Being Alone

When asked if he was lonely, Neil McCauley said "I am alone. I am not lonely." I suppose that makes sense because it is possible to be alone and not feel even a trace of loneliness. The flip side is also true though. You can be surrounded by people and feel like you're all by yourself. Alone in a crowded room. Being alone can be a frightening concept for a lot of people since as a species we tend to be more pack-oriented. I'm sure a lot of this comes from ancient times when it was a question of survivability. A group of humans would do better than a single person. So with that I guess one could argue that the desire to be with other people is almost hard wired into our brains from a long time ago. Very few of us have extended periods of isolation. Even when we're alone, we're not really alone. You could be holed up in your house or out in the woods for a walk. You're alone, but it wouldn't take very long to be surrounded by people again. We often choose to be alone because everyone needs private time to themselves. It's when it feels forced upon on us that we really feel its impact though.

I have spent a large majority of my life alone or at least feeling alone. Now I know that it's mostly a feeling because growing up my parents were there and eventually my brother arrived on the scene. I know this and yet it doesn't change how I remember a lot of my childhood. Sure I had friends who I would play with and visit, but it felt like a lot of my time was spent being by myself. For some people who grew up with several siblings the idea of spending so much time alone may be like a dream. We tend to wish for what we don't have and not appreciate the value in what we do have. So when I was still an only child spending my days alone I would dream about being surrounded by friends and family because it seemed better than the nearly constant of being alone, even if I didn't always feel lonely. Then a weird thing would happen when I actually was surrounded by friends or family, I would feel strangely uncomfortable around everyone. While I was alone I wanted to be with people and when I was with people I just wanted to go back to being alone. Our environment helps shape who we are and as a species we're very adaptable, however, there are times when once we adapt we don't know how to change again. I had gotten used to being alone and while I wanted to be with people, I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel once I got it. I recently moved into a new place and am living alone again. I had spent over a decade living by myself in different places. It was just something I was accustomed to. Much of the last three years have been spent living with different people. It was a drastic change to go from being alone to living with three or more people at a time. Most of the time I didn't miss being alone, but after most of my adult life being spent alone, it was strange for me to have to take into consideration other people.

Nearly everyone in my family is going through some variation of being alone for the first time in a long time. Moving to a new state where you don't know anyone after over thirty years in a familiar location. Becoming single again after a lifetime of being in a relationship with someone. Being forced to simply exist with yourself, without constant distractions buzzing around so you are confronted by your own thoughts. Each of those can bring about serious feelings of being alone, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. By being alone you also have a certain amount of freedom that you may not get with someone else around. I think most people want someone to care about and in turn someone to care about them. It's a wonderful feeling to know that you matter to someone else. There is a cost to that though, just as there is a cost to everything in this world. Caring about someone else could mean worrying about their well being. It also means that extra considerations have to be made for that person. If you really care about that person then often those considerations are never second guessed. It's worth the extra effort. Being without that can feel foreign or it could feel liberating. One could argue that unless you're given time by yourself, you'll never figure out who you are. If you only spend your time with other people around then you'll only know who you are when you're with them. For some people their sense of identity is directly tied to how they interact with others and they may not want to know any different.

A new job, a new school, a new city, ending a relationship, even a move across town can all remind us that we're alone in the world. We're only alone as long as we choose to be though. Around the corner could be someone that helps end that feeling of isolation. We just have to step out and find them, which is often easier said than done. As Jim Morrison said "People are strange, when you're alone." When we're alone we may feel like strangers in a strange land, trying to find our way or prove ourselves once again. In the end though I have to wonder if being alone is all in our head. Are we the ones who decide if we're alone no matter our physical proximity to another person? If that's true then I guess we're only alone with ourselves.

Moving On

Even the best moments in our lives are fleeting. Nothing lasts forever, even if we wish it would. In a way we're always moving on from something. Life is change. Sometimes we fight against that change or try to hold it back so that things can remain the same. We may be successful for a short time, but in the end the moment will come when it's time to move on. What we move on towards could be something good or it could be worse than what we currently have. Whatever the situation is though, this too won't last forever, although in some cases it may feel like forever. If you're fortunate enough to be moving onto something better, then hopefully you'll remember to enjoy it while it lasts. If circumstances have moved you into something that feels terrible, know that there is always potential for things to change again. The cynical side of me used to have a phrase "Nothing in life is so bad that it can't get worse". While that is technically true, it's also true that nothing in life is so perfect that it can't get better.

About three years ago I finally got to a point where I was just tired of feeling like things were never changing. People around me seemed to be having experiences, both good and bad. They say life can be a roller-coaster of emotions, but for me things felt stagnant. The highs felt muted and the lows, while bad, were seemingly insignificant because overall everything felt like it was lacking a true impact. These feelings had been there for years and like most people, I pushed them aside because as an adult we're often times forced to endure things we may not like. Part of being a responsible adult has always been doing what is necessary. So after much deliberation I made a change and walked away from nearly everything that I had established. Sure I had this partially formulated plan that I would return to school and potentially further myself both in education and career. Fast forward to now and I learned a lot, most of it not from college. The things I learned were those little life lessons that smack you in the mouth when you're not expecting it just to make sure that you remember it.

Those three years were actually exactly what I was looking for, even though there were several times throughout that I wished I could go back to the stability of the mundane. I joke that it was a preview of what retirement would be like. More importantly though I've found that how I spent my time was more in tune with who I am, which I suppose some people would label as lazy. As I've mentioned before I've always had a difficult time when it comes to a career. Everything has more or less felt like a job. It was just a way to get money to pay for the things I really wanted. I think part of that comes from the fact that I feel like people forced to sit in cubicles is the equivalent of cattle who spend their life in a cage. You're expected to produce and when you no longer provide you're taken out. Granted people don't get a bolt gun to the forehead like a cow, but talk to someone who has spent most of their adult life working at a single place how they feel when it's taken away from them. I have a feeling that the impact may as well be physical. For me the last three years feel like I simply circled back to where I started. The job I have now is roughly the same as the one I left before. The people and places are the same, which is not at all a bad thing. The whole thing feels a little like being lost in the woods where you travel for hours only to find yourself back where you started. Where you started may be safe and comfortable, but you're no closer to finding your way home.

The past few years have been increasingly difficult for a lot of people for various reasons. The world economy is a much harsher place than it has been in a long time. People everywhere are being forced to make hard decisions about what they're willing to put up with simply to survive. I would imagine the hope is that eventually things will change for the better and people can stop thinking about just survival and move onto greater things. As I've mentioned before, when you're primary concern is how you're going to feed your children or how to pay for your mortgage, then little things like dreams get put on the back burner. Those dreams could stay back there so long they get forgotten. Some could say that's just how life is and maybe that's true, but if that's the case then we aren't much better off than a pride of lions, who's main concern is where the next meal is going to come from. As people our greatest strengths come from moving beyond just survival and overcoming the world around us.

Sometimes it's hard to accept the fact that things will constantly be changing around us. The things we have now may not be around forever. This could include not just material possessions, but people and situations. Everything is always in motion and with that there will come a time when everything you're near will move away from you and you from it. That doesn't mean that by moving on you'll never return. It just means that in this moment right now you're going in a different direction. Just as everything has a force, everything has a direction. You can embrace it or deflect it, why oppose it?

On Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again where we're reminded that we should be thankful for what we have and appreciate that there are those who aren't as fortunate as us. When I was younger I liked this time of year because it was this flurry of holidays and birthdays for the last part of the year. It usually meant a break from school and a chance to be without obligations for awhile. As I got older the significance of the holidays got to be less important. They quickly became just another day off of work or a chance to sleep in. Don't get me wrong, Thanksgiving was good when it was celebrated, but over the years it became very much a hit or miss type of holiday. I think part of that is because the time surrounding Thanksgiving has been filled with great changes.

It was the day after Thanksgiving eleven years ago that I moved to my current state. At the time I thought I was leaving very little, but once I arrived here I immediately realized that something didn't feel quite right. Turns out there were people I left behind that I cared about and it was only after I left that I realized their significance to me. Fast forward ten years and last Thanksgiving marked the last time I would ever see them. So instead of a physical change, it was an emotional one. For me that's really solidifies what Thanksgiving is all about though. It's a chance to see what's really important to us because things can change quickly. For many people the years can blend into each other with very little change. Thanksgiving, or really any day, may seem no different than the previous year's counterpart. There are those days though where in the span of a year there have been massive changes. Sometimes these are for the good and sometimes they can be for the worse, or at least seem like the worst. As that Zen master would say "We'll see".

Most of the Thanksgivings I've celebrated as an adult also serve as a reminder how nomadic my holiday seasons tend to be. As a kid it was just assumed that Thanksgiving dinner would be spent with family. Occasionally there would be a guest or we'd possibly go to someone's house, but for the most part it was just the four of us. Starting with college I spent my Thanksgivings with an array of different people, some of whom I've only seen that one time. I've never been in a position to host a Thanksgiving and to be honest it never occurred to me to even attempt it. So instead over the years there would be various invitations to family gatherings. Some years there would be nothing and I'd spend the holiday alone, enjoying the fact that for an entire Thursday I could do whatever I wanted. Every so often I would get down about the fact that on those occasions I had no one to spend the day with.

In the end though it's just a day. It's good to have a day filled with food and family, but it doesn't have to be a government sanctioned day in November. The obvious thing to say is that we should always be thankful for what we have, but it's easy to take things for granted because we assume that it will be there when we want it. As I mentioned things can change quickly between the years and it's usually when you stop appreciating something that you lose it. It's always easier to see the things we don't have or the things we don't like. The negatives in our lives have a strange way of eclipsing the positives if we let them. Now I'm not saying don't pay attention to those things in your life that aren't what you want. Dwelling on them may not actually do anything for the situation, other than make sure you're focused on the wrong things. This isn't some rant about the power of positive thinking either. You can think all the happy thoughts you like, but if you never follow it up with positive action then it's just as effective as sprinkling fairy dust on a broken leg. I think part of the whole process of giving thanks is to identify the things in our lives that are positive and hopefully take what's good and spread it throughout the other areas that could use a little bit of help. Life will never be perfect and even if it was, I think there would be the fear that eventually it would abruptly end, which would negate its perfection. Knowing that we have to try and remember to be thankful for the things in our life that may not be perfect, but get pretty close on occasion and in this world that's pretty damn good.

On Failure

Did you know that at this very moment something in your life has started it's journey towards eventual failure? This could be some mechanical part in your car or computer. It could be an internal organ that for whatever reason, has begun breaking down in such a way that after time it will eventually fail. We would like to imagine that the time in which this failure is going to happen is set for some far off future. It never occurs to us that is has any connection with the day that's already started. There is an idea about the Law of Entropy, which states that order will always eventually move towards disorder. Or said another way, given enough time, all things will break down. It may be considered a somewhat cynical way to view the world, however, there may be some truth to that idea. If you've ever experience something breaking on you then it can feel as though everything is simply holding on as long as possible until it can no longer sustain order and fails.

The thing is life is made up of failure. It's necessary for success. As I've mentioned before, there are mistakes that have to be made so that you learn a lesson from it. Without failure, we would have no basis for what will work and what will go horribly wrong. Unfortunately the lesson learned from either our failure or the failure of someone else doesn't make it any less painful. There are people out there who seem to go through life doing everything right, or so it would seem. To the outside observer it appears as though they simply don't make mistakes or fail in any way. It's very unlikely that anyone will go too long before failing at something. Those who don't are postponing the inevitable. I went white water rafting once. The river guide joked that everyone in the boat should get into the water at some point because everyone would find their way into water before the day was done. I didn't take him seriously and while others were bucked out of the boat or voluntarily jumped in, I stayed in the boat. Just before the end of our trip down the river there was a section of the river which was more treacherous than anything we had gone through before. The river guide told us to do everything possible to stay in the boat because you didn't want to fall out in this section. Sure enough the first several hits pitched me right out of the boat. Now one could look at that and say that regardless of if I got out of the boat before, I was going to fall in at that moment. Another way to look at it is that I put off getting in the river up until that point and in a way tempted fate to shove me overboard. What could have happened was that both mentally and physically I was focused on not falling out of the boat and in turn created a situation where there was no other option but to fall in. Then again it could have just been the rock we slammed up against that tossed me over the side.

The fear of failure is a powerful force. It can stop people more effectively than a physical wall. I've read that fear of public speaking rivals the fear of death for the number one fear people tend to have. In the end it comes down to people being afraid of failing in front of a group of people, which will lead to judgements from those same people. Failure isn't fun, but it doesn't always have to be a bad thing either. Thomas Edison went through nearly 10,000 experiments before finally perfecting the electric light bulb. Up until then he had 9999 ways to not have the perfect electric light bulb. From each of those failures he learned something and took that knowledge forward with him. For some though that initial failure has such a negative impact for whatever reason that going through it again is too much. It reminds me of people who won't ask someone out because they're afraid of being rejected, which will mean they have failed. In the past they could have tried and it didn't work and the feeling that came from it not working was not something they wanted to relive. While I understand not wanting to experience the pain of failure or in this case rejection, the greater problem is that never chancing failure means that you'll have no chance at success.

Going back to my original point, given enough time all things have the potential to fail. It's just the nature of things. Nothing lasts forever and even with maintenance there will come a time when something stops working as intended. It usually feels like this comes at the worst possible time. You car never stops working at some time that's convenient. It's more likely you find out there is a problem as you're trying to go to work in a hurry. In those situations one has to wonder why there weren't warning signs that could be seen. Instead it goes from fully functional to completely broken in the blink of an eye. I wonder if that's just how we see things. As I mentioned, the road to ruin has started today, we just don't know it. Catastrophic failure is categorized a sudden and total failure of some system from which recovery is not possible. I have a feeling that in most cases it only seems sudden. The failure was building quietly without anyone's knowledge. Well hopefully without their knowledge. With the space shuttle Challenger it was revealed afterwards that several people knew something was potentially wrong. When it left the tower there was a sigh of relief because the the thought was if the problem was really as bad as they feared, then it would explode before it left the ground. In the end it was an O-ring to a rocket booster that ultimately failed, which caused the entire craft to be destroyed.

We've all head that phrase "Failure is not an option." It's kind of ridiculous to say something like that. Obviously most undertakings aren't done with failure as the final goal. Failure should be expected. Failure is an eventuality given enough time. Failure should be avoided if possible and if not, then learned from in such a way that the next failure doesn't hurt as much. Our failures are what propel us closer towards our successes.

On Vacation

It's been said that no matter where you go, there you are. The statement is almost too obvious, but it's true. It doesn't really matter your physical location, the thing that doesn't change is you. Well that's partially true anyway. Sure you're still technically you, but you're a version of yourself that's away from the normal every day. In some cases people try to use vacations as a way to break free of themselves. Vegas turned the whole idea into an ad campaign. You can do whatever you want while you're there because once you leave, no one will talk about it. It's a great idea in theory, however, real life is always there, waiting for us to return.

What people do on vacation can tell a lot about them as a person. It's not some deep psychological indicator or anything. It just helps reveal what people are looking for or potentially trying to get away from. Now granted there are a lot of times where you have to compromise our vacations to various factors. If you have a partner, you have to consider what they want to do. How much time you have to play with is another thing that could limit the options. And of course there's everyone's favorite reason to compromise, which is money. In most cases money is a huge object and can be the determining factor in what we end up doing with our free time. If we had unlimited resources it's very possible that we would never come back from vacation.

Speaking of free time, it's really the crux of vacation if you think about it. As an adult we all have obligations. These could be work, school, family, and even hobbies. The day starts out potentially long, but quickly gets dwindled down to a point where you feel like you only have a few minutes to stand in the shower and just relax without obligation. Life can feel like a series of appointments and events, which only serve to chew through our precious time. Then we're left with a feeling like we've had something taken from us. And in a sense we have. Time is something we have a finite amount of and once it's used up, there's no going back to reuse it wisely. We've all fallen into the routine of working towards the moment when we can take a break. Now if you're fortunate enough to really love what you're doing, then the time doesn't seem wasted at all. In fact it's exactly how you want to be spending your days. Even if you love what you do, there comes a point for all of us when there is simply a need for a break. Without them things become stagnant. How we spend our time helps shape what we do when we're free of obligations. Even look at how you spend your evenings. It's very likely there is some kind of routine involved, one that you may not realize until you step back and look at the whole picture.

Sometimes the evenings aren't enough of a break and we get to a point where we need to get away from almost everything. This could include getting away from not just a location, but people as well. In fact most of my vacations have been as much about getting away from the various people in my life as they have been about going to a specific location. I think part of that is because being on vacation somewhere different allows you a chance to not have to be exactly you. I've talked about before how we put labels on nearly everything in our life. A person quickly becomes classified as something: friend, mother, sister, co-worker, husband. While we're in our every day lives it's very difficult to shake those labels. In a way we're playing a part for the world around us. Eventually though, like with any job, we need to step away from it, even if for a little while. Now you may love being a husband. You may love your children and being a parent is very rewarding. Still people need to remember who they were before that label was applied to their life. Otherwise we get lost in the roles that have been assigned to us and forget that we're just people. Going on vacation is a great way to get out from under those roles for a time. As I mentioned at the beginning, you're still you, but you're the vacation-you, where you can stop behaving like a wife or co-worker for a little while and either become someone else or just go back to being you from before.

As you can imagine when I use the term vacation, I'm referring to taking a trip away from every day life. Sometimes a vacation consists of taking the kids to Disneyland. Sure you're not at work anymore, but you're still playing the part of a parent to some degree. It's still better than not going, although I'm sure if you were to ask parents after they get home from a trip like that, they will tell you they could use a vacation from the vacation. A vacation doesn't have to be some elaborate trip to Italy where you wander the countryside for three weeks, although that would really count as a great vacation. It can be anything where you separate yourself from the normal day in and day out of life. This could be taking a drive to some secluded location and reading a book. It could be as simple as renting a hotel room up the road, just so you can have time to yourself. It can also be something as existential as going on a vacation from yourself mentally. Hopefully it will serve as not only a split from reality, but it will also reaffirm what is really important in your life.