After over a year of planning we were able to come together and make our relationship 'official'. Mostly it was a chance to have all of our friends and family around us to share in a ceremony that shows our commitment to each other and our future together. The entire time we were planning I kept thinking to myself that I didn't want to put anyone out. I didn't want to mess with their Labor Day plans. It is the last holiday of the summer and that can be important. Much more important than me. We sent out the invites and I kept asking myself if I was being too presumptuous to ask people to spend nearly three days hanging out with me. There were moments when I thought, if no one shows up I wouldn't really blame them. I mean I'm just me.
Not all that long ago I used to strive to keep my various worlds separated from each other. I'm not sure why I did that. Mostly I think it was because I wanted to separate myself. I could be this way with one person because that's how they knew me. With someone else I could be somewhat different. There was also that fear that this aspect would conflict with that aspect and it would call into question if one of them should go. This weekend all of my worlds collided with each other in a fantastic explosion. Friends and family from past and present and all over the country came to a single place at the same time. I was amazed at the people who took the time to come and spend a weekend with me. Had I somehow tricked them into making Labor Day weekend all about me?
The brothers who I grew up with as my second family. My lunatic best friend from college. The quiet man with a huge heart, who made his home my home. The one who started as a voice over the internet has become a trusted friend. Someone who is years younger than me, but astounds me with his integrity every time we speak. The most recent friend, who's joy for life constantly drives me to look at things in new and different ways. A baby brother, who has grown up to be such an amazing man that I find myself looking up to him. Having any one of these people in my life would make me a lucky man. To have all of them with me for one of the biggest events of my life makes me incredibly blessed in a way that I didn't think I deserved.
Saying 'thank you' or 'I love you' didn't seem like enough. It's not like how it is in movies when the music swells or the moment goes into slow motion so you know that it's important. Instead all the things I wanted to say in the moment kept getting drowned out by those silly emotions that kept smashing through. I only hope that my bumbling muttering somehow got the message across.
When I was little I thought the world revolved around me. Most little kids think this because they have no concept of their place in such a large place. As I got older I started to realize that I was not, in fact, the center of the universe. I was only the center of mine. Over the weekend that changed for me. The center is now someone else, with a tiny additional center coming soon to a universe near you! I never thought I'd find something more important than myself to focus on, but now that she's here, I wonder what was I thinking all this time up until now. I'm just glad everyone got to see my universe realign itself to how it was always meant to be.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
On the Game Change
For most of my life my primary concern has been myself. Sure I would care about other people, as much as my programming would allow. In the end though my universe was centered around me. That may sound selfish, but if I'm not around then everything else for me doesn't really matter. It may not have been the best way to run a ship, still it was my way and it was working for me. Mostly. There have been times where I'm watching a show or movie and I see people behaving how I wish I could be. It's an idealized version of friendship. Almost as though a Norman Rockwell painting has come to life. I know this and I still sometimes want it for myself and the people I call friends. That's not to say what I have is bad in any way. It's just more real. People can be thoughtless. I can be thoughtless. More often than not the thing I meant to say comes out as something else and people look at me like I'm trying to swallow a whole octopus. Even with all these blunders, I still knew what to expect.
Watching a lot of movies and television I felt like I had seen the story where a character is going to have a baby plenty of times. Sometimes they're sad, a lot of times they are happy, but almost always they are freaked the hell out. Just when you think you've got the game figured out, a new player comes onto the board. These characters would run around doing all sorts of wacky things or go through montages where they buy baby books, find a good doctor after sifting through all the crazy ones, and then going to various appointments. All this normally happens in the span of like twenty minutes because in the end the movie is still about the characters and not the tiny alien that's gestating inside one of them. The movie comes to an end with the birth of said alien and if you're lucky they may show a little bit of how wonderful it all is. Aw that's nice. I feel like I'm prepared.
We've been having babies since before we could call ourselves human. While I'm not sure I'd say we are exactly experts at the whole thing. I do feel like we've learned enough to be dangerous, but not quite deadly. Honestly it's a miracle that we're alive. Think about all the things that had to happen for you to be here right now? If the exact scenario of your conception didn't happen it's likely you wouldn't be around to read this. Millions of things have to go right for each person to be born. Change the timing and a boy may be a girl. Change the environment and maybe the whole thing falls apart halfway through. Our bodies are these complex mechanisms that we really have very little control over. Sure we can shovel fuel in the form of our favorite flavors into it in order to keep things running, but we can't exactly tell our kidneys to step up their game. Most of the time I can't get my stomach on board with the same food I've eaten a hundred times before Sometimes I wish there was some kind of external monitoring system that told me what the hell was going on inside of me. I suppose it wouldn't matter because without control that information is useless. I could tell you my heart rate right now, but that doesn't really give me the whole picture of all the other things connected to that piece of information. Now think about how inside someone they're building a completely new person from scratch. Sure I helped in my small way, but it was really a fire and forget. Somehow it's putting together its own brain. If it's doing that then it means we did that ourselves at some point. We really created ourselves.
Knowing this it kind of makes me sad to think how easily we forget about the miracle that is our own lives. Sure reality means there's more to it than simply marveling at how amazing our bodies are. As adults we're kind of over the whole magic of life and the world around us. Now go watch a little kid in the same environment and notice how ensorcelled they are by the smallest things. I can't quite remember when the world stopped being so overwhelmingly magical to me. I think with the internet and the world being full of people who are genuinely trying to hold onto or at least recapture that sense of wonder, it's not a lost cause. Children are the constant reminder that the world can be a wondrous place. While they're running around being amazed at everything in the world, the adults are running right behind them being terrified of that same world consuming the tiny versions of ourselves. This means my primary concern is no longer myself. Instead it's going to be this external portion of myself that is scampering off to go eat dirt and actively put itself into dangerous situations because it has no idea that a mountain lion wielding a chainsaw isn't something you run towards.
Watching a lot of movies and television I felt like I had seen the story where a character is going to have a baby plenty of times. Sometimes they're sad, a lot of times they are happy, but almost always they are freaked the hell out. Just when you think you've got the game figured out, a new player comes onto the board. These characters would run around doing all sorts of wacky things or go through montages where they buy baby books, find a good doctor after sifting through all the crazy ones, and then going to various appointments. All this normally happens in the span of like twenty minutes because in the end the movie is still about the characters and not the tiny alien that's gestating inside one of them. The movie comes to an end with the birth of said alien and if you're lucky they may show a little bit of how wonderful it all is. Aw that's nice. I feel like I'm prepared.
We've been having babies since before we could call ourselves human. While I'm not sure I'd say we are exactly experts at the whole thing. I do feel like we've learned enough to be dangerous, but not quite deadly. Honestly it's a miracle that we're alive. Think about all the things that had to happen for you to be here right now? If the exact scenario of your conception didn't happen it's likely you wouldn't be around to read this. Millions of things have to go right for each person to be born. Change the timing and a boy may be a girl. Change the environment and maybe the whole thing falls apart halfway through. Our bodies are these complex mechanisms that we really have very little control over. Sure we can shovel fuel in the form of our favorite flavors into it in order to keep things running, but we can't exactly tell our kidneys to step up their game. Most of the time I can't get my stomach on board with the same food I've eaten a hundred times before Sometimes I wish there was some kind of external monitoring system that told me what the hell was going on inside of me. I suppose it wouldn't matter because without control that information is useless. I could tell you my heart rate right now, but that doesn't really give me the whole picture of all the other things connected to that piece of information. Now think about how inside someone they're building a completely new person from scratch. Sure I helped in my small way, but it was really a fire and forget. Somehow it's putting together its own brain. If it's doing that then it means we did that ourselves at some point. We really created ourselves.
Knowing this it kind of makes me sad to think how easily we forget about the miracle that is our own lives. Sure reality means there's more to it than simply marveling at how amazing our bodies are. As adults we're kind of over the whole magic of life and the world around us. Now go watch a little kid in the same environment and notice how ensorcelled they are by the smallest things. I can't quite remember when the world stopped being so overwhelmingly magical to me. I think with the internet and the world being full of people who are genuinely trying to hold onto or at least recapture that sense of wonder, it's not a lost cause. Children are the constant reminder that the world can be a wondrous place. While they're running around being amazed at everything in the world, the adults are running right behind them being terrified of that same world consuming the tiny versions of ourselves. This means my primary concern is no longer myself. Instead it's going to be this external portion of myself that is scampering off to go eat dirt and actively put itself into dangerous situations because it has no idea that a mountain lion wielding a chainsaw isn't something you run towards.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
On the First Time
We put a lot of value on firsts. A child's first birthday. Our first love. Our first broken bone. The first job we get. The first time we lose a job. As we go through life it seems like our chances at firsts go down. That's not to say we're missing out on new experiences. Life is a constantly changing series of experiences, each of which is unique because we're different when they happen. So even the same event done a second or third time could almost be thought of as the first time because up until that moment it couldn't have taken place in that exact way until it did. The first time something happens to us it tends to leave a permanent impression on us though. In some cases the first becomes the standard in which others are judged. That can be both a gift and a curse since it's not always fair to compare what has happened with what could happen. Like with many first time sexual experiences they can be awkward, painful, and ultimately a poor indicator of how future experiences will be.
Many of us may still remember our first love. The ones between the first love and today's could be a jumbled mess of memories, but that first one will always be with us in some way. I think a good part of that is because our body and mind hadn't been exposed to that emotion up until that point. Never having experienced something like that before only makes it that much more intense. Combined with the fact that when we're young everything is already more intense. As with many things in life, that level of intensity can't be sustained for very long. Eventually it fades to more manageable levels and we'd like to think that with age and experience we're better suited to handle it as we get older. Try spending some time with someone who's just gotten into a relationship. If you're lucky you may get to talk to them in about six months when things cool down from be white hot to just smoldering. In a way that so-called honeymoon period is a chance to try and recapture that intensity we first felt years ago. As I mentioned, it's just not something that can be maintained and when it passes that's when we can start to see the other person with unclouded eyes. One could argue that's when the relationship really begins.
I've talked about the different kinds of friends we have in our lives. As children our standard for allowing someone to be our friend is much looser than it is when we're adults. Sure we may know a lot of people. We may have a ton of online "friends" who we know through various aspects of our lives, but how many people in your life are actual friends? I've moved around a lot in my life and I have different friends from different places in my life. As I've gotten older some of those friends are so engrained in my life that I can't really remember a time without them. Still there was a time for all of us when the people we call friend today were nothing more than strangers. I've come up with a name for a category of friend that many of us may not even think about. I call them The First People. When you move to a new town or start a new job you often don't know anyone there. The First People are the first ones that come into our lives. In a way we lower our defenses slightly to allow for new people. Think about it, when you're firmly established in a town or job how many new people do you let into your life? You may already have a group of friends so the desire to add someone else may be minimal at best. When we're alone in a new situation it's natural to look for someone to be a companion, even if that means accepting someone we may have overlooked had we been somewhere within our comfort zone. That's not meant to say that these First People are substandard in anyway. In fact it's just the opposite. These people are in our lives almost out of necessity. Because we need them we may be exposed to a different type of person than we're used to. This can be a good thing, especially since the older we get the fewer chances we may get at experiencing something new. These First People are somewhat unique because while they're late comers to our lives, they're also the first ones to be established within whatever new venture we're on.
As I mentioned at the beginning, we put great value on the first time something happens. Anniversaries are really just a yearly celebration of something's first time. It's entirely possible that many of our first experiences are when we get hardwired a certain way. So when we're young and it seems like there are firsts around every corner, we're essentially being shaped into the person we're going to become based on how those firsts turn out. If our first job is terrible then we may be inclined to think that work in general aren't going to be much fun. While it's possible for new experiences to come along and reshape our perception of how something could be, will we always be influenced by what came first? If that's the case should we strive to make each first the best or the worst so that anything that comes afterwards has a chance of living up to what came before it?
Many of us may still remember our first love. The ones between the first love and today's could be a jumbled mess of memories, but that first one will always be with us in some way. I think a good part of that is because our body and mind hadn't been exposed to that emotion up until that point. Never having experienced something like that before only makes it that much more intense. Combined with the fact that when we're young everything is already more intense. As with many things in life, that level of intensity can't be sustained for very long. Eventually it fades to more manageable levels and we'd like to think that with age and experience we're better suited to handle it as we get older. Try spending some time with someone who's just gotten into a relationship. If you're lucky you may get to talk to them in about six months when things cool down from be white hot to just smoldering. In a way that so-called honeymoon period is a chance to try and recapture that intensity we first felt years ago. As I mentioned, it's just not something that can be maintained and when it passes that's when we can start to see the other person with unclouded eyes. One could argue that's when the relationship really begins.
I've talked about the different kinds of friends we have in our lives. As children our standard for allowing someone to be our friend is much looser than it is when we're adults. Sure we may know a lot of people. We may have a ton of online "friends" who we know through various aspects of our lives, but how many people in your life are actual friends? I've moved around a lot in my life and I have different friends from different places in my life. As I've gotten older some of those friends are so engrained in my life that I can't really remember a time without them. Still there was a time for all of us when the people we call friend today were nothing more than strangers. I've come up with a name for a category of friend that many of us may not even think about. I call them The First People. When you move to a new town or start a new job you often don't know anyone there. The First People are the first ones that come into our lives. In a way we lower our defenses slightly to allow for new people. Think about it, when you're firmly established in a town or job how many new people do you let into your life? You may already have a group of friends so the desire to add someone else may be minimal at best. When we're alone in a new situation it's natural to look for someone to be a companion, even if that means accepting someone we may have overlooked had we been somewhere within our comfort zone. That's not meant to say that these First People are substandard in anyway. In fact it's just the opposite. These people are in our lives almost out of necessity. Because we need them we may be exposed to a different type of person than we're used to. This can be a good thing, especially since the older we get the fewer chances we may get at experiencing something new. These First People are somewhat unique because while they're late comers to our lives, they're also the first ones to be established within whatever new venture we're on.
As I mentioned at the beginning, we put great value on the first time something happens. Anniversaries are really just a yearly celebration of something's first time. It's entirely possible that many of our first experiences are when we get hardwired a certain way. So when we're young and it seems like there are firsts around every corner, we're essentially being shaped into the person we're going to become based on how those firsts turn out. If our first job is terrible then we may be inclined to think that work in general aren't going to be much fun. While it's possible for new experiences to come along and reshape our perception of how something could be, will we always be influenced by what came first? If that's the case should we strive to make each first the best or the worst so that anything that comes afterwards has a chance of living up to what came before it?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
On Sex...Again
I've heard it been said by several adults that a young woman's virginity is the most precious gift she can give. I'm not exactly sure why that is though. In the end sex is really just about friction. It's skin rubbing against skin, which happens to feel really good. That's kind of like saying that the best gift you can give someone is a really good scratch on the back. By the way scientists are actually researching why scratching feels good, so who knows maybe there is some connection. The most precious gift is allowing someone else to rub your skin for you? Wouldn't it make more sense for the most precious thing you can give to someone else be a part of your soul? In the grand scheme of things if there is an eternal soul then sharing that with another would be more lasting and hopefully more important than the fleeting pleasure of skin on skin.
I think part of the problem is the amount of importance that it's given. It starts at an early age too. Parents try very hard to hide it from children because their parents hid it from them. So it becomes this mystery that everyone wants to know more about, but because the people with the most knowledge and experience aren't talking, kids have to go and find out for themselves. As I've mentioned before, there is a certain amount of guilt associated with sex, usually put there by adults and/or society in general. If it feels that good then it must be wrong. What if we got the same amount of pleasure from eating a specific food or hearing music? Would that food or that music then be associated with guilt as well? For some reason that who mentality makes me wonder why certain substances are illegal. Is it because they are "harmful" or is it because they've crossed over from good feeling to guilty good? I suppose that's a subject for another time. So we're taught that sex is wrong or dirty and yet it's somehow magically ok once you get married. Marriage for the most part is just the government's recognition of two people as a couple. Essentially you're asking the government for permission to have sex then. I'm guessing that's how some people want it though.
To make matters worse there are some people out there who think that any form of information will only lead to more sex. That mystery I mentioned before must remain a mystery. The idea that abstinence is sex education is something that seems to have made a bit of a comeback. Not teaching children about sex is a bit like sticking your head in the sand. When doctors, who are experts, are asked about how to proceed with sex education, they tend to say that more information is better, not less. And yet for the most part that advice is largely ignored by so many groups. The consensus from experts is that teaching abstinence doesn't prevent teenagers from having sex, it only prevents them from having safe sex. In their attempts to suppress anything sexual, those who want nothing to do with sex have in fact helped perpetuate all that they are afraid of.
Sex can be great. It can be fun. It can be one of the best things physically you do with another person. In fact it's that hope that a lot of people prey on. I'm not even talking about just porn, which is blatant in its promise of sex. Sure you could be on some less than family-oriented site where there are ads to grow your penis or how there are thousands of horny girls just begging for you to give it to them. It's the hollow promise that if you click on their link then you'll be rewarded with fantastic sex. In actuality it's probably just something to distract you so they can take your money when you have your pants around your ankles. It's an old trick with modern parts. Anyway as I was saying, it's not just porn, but nearly every commercial that uses sex as its basis. Buy this product because the implication is that it is sexy or will help you to get laid. Often times we're very simple creatures and it's not that hard to manipulate us. The thing is that even the best sex is fleeting. I'm not talking about the time it takes for the actual act (which even in marathon mode is short in the big picture), but rather the time it takes before it stops being great. In a weird way sex is like working out. The first few times your muscles are not used to the strain and are getting the most benefit from lifting the weight or running a certain distance. In a usually short time the muscles have adapted and the same number of repetitions are no longer producing the same results. You either have to increase the weight, the repetitions, or change the rotation. If you don't the work out becomes stale. Sex isn't much different. What was great yesterday may not be great tomorrow. Even if you change things up on a regular basis that firey passion will eventually fade. That isn't a bad thing. If you're lucky, what comes after the passion can be better.
So maybe you're with someone whom you've had great sex with. Maybe it's not great anymore, but still very good. It's not to say that there won't be great moments again, but that peak was reached awhile ago. It's in those times when things aren't as good as they once were that people may start looking for that high again. It's very similar to drug use and chasing after that first initial rush. We as a species can become bored quickly. It's easy to stop appreciating what you have because it's not new anymore. Some people watch bad TV when they're bored. Some people eat even when they're not hungry. And some people go out and have sex when they're bored. Now I haven't taken a survey or anything, but I would imagine the rates of adultery go up in the winter when there is less to do. The same is probably true during times of war, but that's most likely less out of boredom and more from the fact that people just get lonely. I suppose one could also argue that there is some biological imperative built-in. If your mate is absent and likely to die then the most logical thing to do to continue the bloodline is to sleep with your neighbor.
In the end we become pretty stupid when it comes to getting a little bit of pleasure. It's been the basis for wars, murder, lies, and heartbreak. Strange how something that can feel so good can cause so much pain.
I think part of the problem is the amount of importance that it's given. It starts at an early age too. Parents try very hard to hide it from children because their parents hid it from them. So it becomes this mystery that everyone wants to know more about, but because the people with the most knowledge and experience aren't talking, kids have to go and find out for themselves. As I've mentioned before, there is a certain amount of guilt associated with sex, usually put there by adults and/or society in general. If it feels that good then it must be wrong. What if we got the same amount of pleasure from eating a specific food or hearing music? Would that food or that music then be associated with guilt as well? For some reason that who mentality makes me wonder why certain substances are illegal. Is it because they are "harmful" or is it because they've crossed over from good feeling to guilty good? I suppose that's a subject for another time. So we're taught that sex is wrong or dirty and yet it's somehow magically ok once you get married. Marriage for the most part is just the government's recognition of two people as a couple. Essentially you're asking the government for permission to have sex then. I'm guessing that's how some people want it though.
To make matters worse there are some people out there who think that any form of information will only lead to more sex. That mystery I mentioned before must remain a mystery. The idea that abstinence is sex education is something that seems to have made a bit of a comeback. Not teaching children about sex is a bit like sticking your head in the sand. When doctors, who are experts, are asked about how to proceed with sex education, they tend to say that more information is better, not less. And yet for the most part that advice is largely ignored by so many groups. The consensus from experts is that teaching abstinence doesn't prevent teenagers from having sex, it only prevents them from having safe sex. In their attempts to suppress anything sexual, those who want nothing to do with sex have in fact helped perpetuate all that they are afraid of.
Sex can be great. It can be fun. It can be one of the best things physically you do with another person. In fact it's that hope that a lot of people prey on. I'm not even talking about just porn, which is blatant in its promise of sex. Sure you could be on some less than family-oriented site where there are ads to grow your penis or how there are thousands of horny girls just begging for you to give it to them. It's the hollow promise that if you click on their link then you'll be rewarded with fantastic sex. In actuality it's probably just something to distract you so they can take your money when you have your pants around your ankles. It's an old trick with modern parts. Anyway as I was saying, it's not just porn, but nearly every commercial that uses sex as its basis. Buy this product because the implication is that it is sexy or will help you to get laid. Often times we're very simple creatures and it's not that hard to manipulate us. The thing is that even the best sex is fleeting. I'm not talking about the time it takes for the actual act (which even in marathon mode is short in the big picture), but rather the time it takes before it stops being great. In a weird way sex is like working out. The first few times your muscles are not used to the strain and are getting the most benefit from lifting the weight or running a certain distance. In a usually short time the muscles have adapted and the same number of repetitions are no longer producing the same results. You either have to increase the weight, the repetitions, or change the rotation. If you don't the work out becomes stale. Sex isn't much different. What was great yesterday may not be great tomorrow. Even if you change things up on a regular basis that firey passion will eventually fade. That isn't a bad thing. If you're lucky, what comes after the passion can be better.
So maybe you're with someone whom you've had great sex with. Maybe it's not great anymore, but still very good. It's not to say that there won't be great moments again, but that peak was reached awhile ago. It's in those times when things aren't as good as they once were that people may start looking for that high again. It's very similar to drug use and chasing after that first initial rush. We as a species can become bored quickly. It's easy to stop appreciating what you have because it's not new anymore. Some people watch bad TV when they're bored. Some people eat even when they're not hungry. And some people go out and have sex when they're bored. Now I haven't taken a survey or anything, but I would imagine the rates of adultery go up in the winter when there is less to do. The same is probably true during times of war, but that's most likely less out of boredom and more from the fact that people just get lonely. I suppose one could also argue that there is some biological imperative built-in. If your mate is absent and likely to die then the most logical thing to do to continue the bloodline is to sleep with your neighbor.
In the end we become pretty stupid when it comes to getting a little bit of pleasure. It's been the basis for wars, murder, lies, and heartbreak. Strange how something that can feel so good can cause so much pain.
Friday, May 28, 2010
The One
This is being written by someone who isn't currently in love (and hasn't been in awhile) so for anyone reading this who is, well you'll probably disagree with what I have to say.
It seems like finding The One is next to impossible these days. If you think about it there are over six billion people on the planet, meaning the chances of finding that perfect soul mate is six billion to one. And that's assuming your field is everyone on the planet. Even if you narrow it down to your own country you've got several hundred million to deal with. Finding true love in India or China must be like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles. Let's say you limit it to just your state or surrounding states. Still looking at a few million people. So you've limited the options to about seven percent of all the potentials. Think of all the people you have ever met in your entire life. Does it add up to over a million people? How many of those did you really get to know? In all likelihood you could have met your soul mate and never even stopped to learn their last name.
So maybe it's more likely that instead of there being The One there is the one for right now. Considering how much we change over the years it's hard to imagine that a single person will grow and change with us in the exact way that keeps them as a constant perfect companion. I'm not saying it's impossible, but people change, sometimes right when you're looking at them. The person that's good for you now may not be right for you in twenty years or even tomorrow. I get the impression that every relationship is the equivalent of a "summer thing", but with varying degrees of length.
Now I'm not opposed to the idea of soul mates because I've met people I've had an instant connection with. It's almost like I recognized them, even though I was meeting them for the first time. For me those connections have been more on a friend level than an intimate one, but I imagine the same basic premise is still there, just heightened. But that's how I felt about the person. I can't know how the person felt about me. Is someone really your soul mate just because you feel they are? How can you quantify someone else's connection towards you? I've known many people who believe with all their heart that someone is meant for them, but it doesn't work out for whatever reason. Does that mean they were wrong about the person being their soul mate or was the other person just not in the know? Which leads to the idea that maybe just because we believe it, doesn't make it so.
Every single relationship in the history of relationships has ended or will end eventually. It's just a matter of time. That may sound cynical, but it's just a fact of life. Even if you manage to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, at some point someone is going to die. Then the relationship is over. In more cases though things end before death. Think about it this way. Even if you're currently in a relationship, every one before it ended. That must mean that even if the people before felt like The One, they must not have been because you're no longer with them. It's been described that a soul mate is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. Well that's great as long as you're in love and like each other. What happens when that person no longer loves you? Do they stop being a soul mate and become a soul nemesis? It's also been said that best friends make the worst enemies. That's especially true with former loves. The passion that was once there can turn in on itself and become loathing. At that point it probably feels like your soul mate is there to torment you until death.
Maybe we have several The Ones throughout our life. When you're 19 you have The One for you then. When you're 26 you may as well be a different person so you get another The One. The person you wanted or needed when you were 19 may look nothing like what you want or need at 26. Who's to say what you'll need in another seven years? I believe that everyone in our lives serves some kind of purpose though. Even if that purpose is to teach us a painful lesson. It makes me wonder what kind of purpose I may serve in other people's lives and what lessons I'm painfully teaching those around me.
To me it seems like people in our lives are somewhat seasonal, for lack of a better term. They come into our lives for a time and then they go. Some last longer than others, but it's just the nature of things for people to drift in and out of each other's lives. Maybe you're with the person who feels like the one. The person you've spent your whole life searching for. If it feels that way, then enjoy it because you never can tell how long something will last. Consider yourself lucky. In a sea of billions you managed to find someone that fits you right now. If you're still looking for that perfect one, you better hope that they're in the seven million people that are surrounding you.
It seems like finding The One is next to impossible these days. If you think about it there are over six billion people on the planet, meaning the chances of finding that perfect soul mate is six billion to one. And that's assuming your field is everyone on the planet. Even if you narrow it down to your own country you've got several hundred million to deal with. Finding true love in India or China must be like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles. Let's say you limit it to just your state or surrounding states. Still looking at a few million people. So you've limited the options to about seven percent of all the potentials. Think of all the people you have ever met in your entire life. Does it add up to over a million people? How many of those did you really get to know? In all likelihood you could have met your soul mate and never even stopped to learn their last name.
So maybe it's more likely that instead of there being The One there is the one for right now. Considering how much we change over the years it's hard to imagine that a single person will grow and change with us in the exact way that keeps them as a constant perfect companion. I'm not saying it's impossible, but people change, sometimes right when you're looking at them. The person that's good for you now may not be right for you in twenty years or even tomorrow. I get the impression that every relationship is the equivalent of a "summer thing", but with varying degrees of length.
Now I'm not opposed to the idea of soul mates because I've met people I've had an instant connection with. It's almost like I recognized them, even though I was meeting them for the first time. For me those connections have been more on a friend level than an intimate one, but I imagine the same basic premise is still there, just heightened. But that's how I felt about the person. I can't know how the person felt about me. Is someone really your soul mate just because you feel they are? How can you quantify someone else's connection towards you? I've known many people who believe with all their heart that someone is meant for them, but it doesn't work out for whatever reason. Does that mean they were wrong about the person being their soul mate or was the other person just not in the know? Which leads to the idea that maybe just because we believe it, doesn't make it so.
Every single relationship in the history of relationships has ended or will end eventually. It's just a matter of time. That may sound cynical, but it's just a fact of life. Even if you manage to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, at some point someone is going to die. Then the relationship is over. In more cases though things end before death. Think about it this way. Even if you're currently in a relationship, every one before it ended. That must mean that even if the people before felt like The One, they must not have been because you're no longer with them. It's been described that a soul mate is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. Well that's great as long as you're in love and like each other. What happens when that person no longer loves you? Do they stop being a soul mate and become a soul nemesis? It's also been said that best friends make the worst enemies. That's especially true with former loves. The passion that was once there can turn in on itself and become loathing. At that point it probably feels like your soul mate is there to torment you until death.
Maybe we have several The Ones throughout our life. When you're 19 you have The One for you then. When you're 26 you may as well be a different person so you get another The One. The person you wanted or needed when you were 19 may look nothing like what you want or need at 26. Who's to say what you'll need in another seven years? I believe that everyone in our lives serves some kind of purpose though. Even if that purpose is to teach us a painful lesson. It makes me wonder what kind of purpose I may serve in other people's lives and what lessons I'm painfully teaching those around me.
To me it seems like people in our lives are somewhat seasonal, for lack of a better term. They come into our lives for a time and then they go. Some last longer than others, but it's just the nature of things for people to drift in and out of each other's lives. Maybe you're with the person who feels like the one. The person you've spent your whole life searching for. If it feels that way, then enjoy it because you never can tell how long something will last. Consider yourself lucky. In a sea of billions you managed to find someone that fits you right now. If you're still looking for that perfect one, you better hope that they're in the seven million people that are surrounding you.
Friday, May 21, 2010
On Birthdays
Birthdays are a funny thing. They're yearly reminders that no matter what we do in our lives we're constantly growing a little older. Hopefully we're growing a little wiser along the way. For a lot of people birthdays are like annual life checkpoints where you can confirm your progress. Some checkpoints are better than others, but I suppose as long as your checking them off there's always hope that next year will be an improvement.
For awhile in my twenties I didn't really like my birthday all that much. I would get slightly down about how my life wasn't going where I wanted it. The birthday was just a cosmic post-it note that said I hadn't reached where I wanted to go. In actuality birthdays are no more significant than New Year's Day, but we make them important because while they may be some arbitrary date on the calendar, it's our arbitrary date. So I would look at my life on my birthday and say "I'm 25 and I haven't..." What I should have been doing was looking at my life and saying "I'm only 25 and I've done..." That way I could look at what I've done, what I wanted to do, and what I could have done better. Then the next year would be something to look forward to rather than something looked back on with regret.
The strange thing is that while my birthday is important to me, I couldn't tell you what I was doing on the majority of them. In fact I can only clearly remember the last two years, and that's simply because the difference between them was night and day. As a kid I didn't always have birthday parties. They were more like birthday gatherings. I've never had a lot of people that I call friends at any one time and even those that were friends, only a few of them were the kind that I'd want at my birthday. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I had enough friends to have what could be called a party. Even then I can only clearly remember one actual party. That's not to say there weren't others before or after that, I just can't remember them anymore. The years between 17 and 29 are just a blur of memories, which sort of plays like a birthday montage in my head. Actually when my birthday comes to mind several things appear. Green grass, pizza, baseball, moon boots, sex, Star Wars, graduation, friends, and candy cigarettes.
Something I learned awhile back is that birthdays aren't always for you. Often they're for the people in our lives. Hopefully you have someone in your life that likes having you around. A birthday is specific date to celebrate that. If you're like me, you may believe that the celebration should be year long. So even if you're not a fan of your own birthday, someone out there is. Why do you think so many people get cornered at a restaurant while the staff sings Happy Birthday. Often we show our love to others by tormenting them with sappy displays of affection.
Another weird thing about birthdays is that when they happen I don't feel different. It's only been a year so how much could have changed? Maybe not all that much between now and the last one, but the changes are happening when you're not even looking. Look at the person you were ten years ago compared to who you see in the mirror today. That didn't happen over night. With every birthday we are a slightly different person until one day we look back and try to pinpoint when the change happened in the first place.
I've also started looking at who has shared my birthday with me over the years. Some people were there only once or twice, but there were some regulars. In some cases the people who were there one year weren't back the next. Just how life goes during that year long journey around the sun. I also makes me wonder who will be there at my next birthday and who will be absent.
If you think about it your birthday marks when the world changed. Before your birthday happened, life was different, even if you weren't your parents' first child. Now that you're here, it's time to enjoy the fact that every year you get to celebrate your mark on the world, even if the price gets a little higher each time.
For awhile in my twenties I didn't really like my birthday all that much. I would get slightly down about how my life wasn't going where I wanted it. The birthday was just a cosmic post-it note that said I hadn't reached where I wanted to go. In actuality birthdays are no more significant than New Year's Day, but we make them important because while they may be some arbitrary date on the calendar, it's our arbitrary date. So I would look at my life on my birthday and say "I'm 25 and I haven't..." What I should have been doing was looking at my life and saying "I'm only 25 and I've done..." That way I could look at what I've done, what I wanted to do, and what I could have done better. Then the next year would be something to look forward to rather than something looked back on with regret.
The strange thing is that while my birthday is important to me, I couldn't tell you what I was doing on the majority of them. In fact I can only clearly remember the last two years, and that's simply because the difference between them was night and day. As a kid I didn't always have birthday parties. They were more like birthday gatherings. I've never had a lot of people that I call friends at any one time and even those that were friends, only a few of them were the kind that I'd want at my birthday. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I had enough friends to have what could be called a party. Even then I can only clearly remember one actual party. That's not to say there weren't others before or after that, I just can't remember them anymore. The years between 17 and 29 are just a blur of memories, which sort of plays like a birthday montage in my head. Actually when my birthday comes to mind several things appear. Green grass, pizza, baseball, moon boots, sex, Star Wars, graduation, friends, and candy cigarettes.
Something I learned awhile back is that birthdays aren't always for you. Often they're for the people in our lives. Hopefully you have someone in your life that likes having you around. A birthday is specific date to celebrate that. If you're like me, you may believe that the celebration should be year long. So even if you're not a fan of your own birthday, someone out there is. Why do you think so many people get cornered at a restaurant while the staff sings Happy Birthday. Often we show our love to others by tormenting them with sappy displays of affection.
Another weird thing about birthdays is that when they happen I don't feel different. It's only been a year so how much could have changed? Maybe not all that much between now and the last one, but the changes are happening when you're not even looking. Look at the person you were ten years ago compared to who you see in the mirror today. That didn't happen over night. With every birthday we are a slightly different person until one day we look back and try to pinpoint when the change happened in the first place.
I've also started looking at who has shared my birthday with me over the years. Some people were there only once or twice, but there were some regulars. In some cases the people who were there one year weren't back the next. Just how life goes during that year long journey around the sun. I also makes me wonder who will be there at my next birthday and who will be absent.
If you think about it your birthday marks when the world changed. Before your birthday happened, life was different, even if you weren't your parents' first child. Now that you're here, it's time to enjoy the fact that every year you get to celebrate your mark on the world, even if the price gets a little higher each time.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
On Sex
I was originally going to write about another topic, but I couldn't remember what it was so I'm just going to write about this instead.
What's the deal with sex? Why is there such a taboo with it and everything surrounding it? Along with money it seems to be one of the major driving forces for nearly everything (and I suspect that in a lot of cases the money is just a means to sex). I get that it feels good, but what I don't get is how it can mess with people in strange ways.
Let's start at the beginning. We're one of the few known species that has sex for reasons other than procreation. This can be for fun, for control, for anger, or for sheer boredom. Most other species stick with its original purpose, to continue the species. Whatever force or circumstances that created us this way saw to it that sex was pleasurable, mostly as an incentive for passing along the genes. It makes me wonder if other species feel pleasure during the act or if they're incapable of expending precious energy simply for fun. I'm sure ancient man figured out pretty quickly that while it was necessary to make sure there were enough littles ones around to replace them that the act of replacing themselves was its own reward. Back then it important for the strongest of the species to continue on so fidelity was less about love or commitment and more to do with making sure you weren't wasting time on someone else's genes. I think there is a part of that ancient thought process still embedded in our brains today.
If you've ever been cheated on then you know that feeling that you've been betrayed. The thing is do you know why you're upset about it? If the other person has sex with someone else it would seem obvious, but why? People say all the time that they want others to be happy. So wouldn't it stand to reason that when having sex, even with someone else, that the other person is happy at that moment? As a side note to that I don't believe that someone has to have sex in order to cheat. For me it's all about intention. If you go to have coffee with the intention of doing something more, then you're cheating. Whether you get naked or not doesn't matter because mentally and emotionally you've already stepped out on your partner. Maybe that's an overly strict sense of cheating, but that's how I think. Anyway back to what I was saying. So your partner is in bed with someone else and unless they've done so to intentionally hurt you then why is it such an act of disloyalty? Is it going back to that old thought of someone else could be passing along their genes with the one you've chosen? Is it just about the pleasure associated?
People have a lot of insecurity when it comes to sex. Are you well-equipped physically? Do you know how to do that thing with your mouth? Can you go for hours? And more importantly, how do you compare to others? It seems we've been brought up to constantly worry about these types of things. Sometimes we think about them to the point that they paralyze us from ever acting or create this fear that we'll never measure up (metaphorically).
What is it about the act that feels so personal? A hug feels good. Eating a well made meal can bring us gratification. Something about sex goes beyond those feelings and outside of certain drugs, it's the best feeling we can have. Is it because it's potentially the best thing our bodies can experience that with it also can come the price of having the worst possible emotional fallout? I think there is a bit of ego involved when it comes to sex. We all want to believe that we're good at what we do. People want to believe that the feeling they experience is somewhat unique to them or at least between them and someone else. So when someone cheats is the problem with the fact that the other person went somewhere else to find pleasure, making it seem that what you're doing is simply not enough? Is it just a matter of a bruised ego or is there something more to it?
Saying sex feels good is kind of like saying the ocean is wet. The fact that it feels so good I think is part of the problem we have with it. It's a guilt thing that's been hammered into our heads, be it from religion or other people. There is this weird idea that we shouldn't feel this good and if you do then you're doing something wrong. By nature I think humans are sexual creatures and attempting to suppress those feelings leads to larger problems. It doesn't seem natural to only have sex with one person and only after you've had a ceremony that says you're committed to just them. Or stranger still are those out there that never have any kind of sex because it's going against their beliefs. It's been said the only abnormal sex life is no sex life.
I've joked that the only time I'm not thinking about sex is about 30 seconds after I've had sex. On any given day how often do you think about sex? It can be as subtle as seeing an attractive person or as overt as a fantasy about the act itself. I have to assume it constantly paints the way we see things on a moment by moment basis. There are studies on its effects on the psyche. There is a billion dollar industry dedicated to showing us people having sex in every way possible. Obviously even when people are having regular sex there is some kind of need for more. It's not exactly something that is forgotten about the moment after it's done.
Some could argue that it's the most intimate you can be with another person so that's why it's so meaningful to us. Still there are those out there that have sex casually and think of it as just something fun to do with another person. For them there is no emotional attachment. I guess either point of view is valid. The question is why have we allowed it to become so important to us?
What's the deal with sex? Why is there such a taboo with it and everything surrounding it? Along with money it seems to be one of the major driving forces for nearly everything (and I suspect that in a lot of cases the money is just a means to sex). I get that it feels good, but what I don't get is how it can mess with people in strange ways.
Let's start at the beginning. We're one of the few known species that has sex for reasons other than procreation. This can be for fun, for control, for anger, or for sheer boredom. Most other species stick with its original purpose, to continue the species. Whatever force or circumstances that created us this way saw to it that sex was pleasurable, mostly as an incentive for passing along the genes. It makes me wonder if other species feel pleasure during the act or if they're incapable of expending precious energy simply for fun. I'm sure ancient man figured out pretty quickly that while it was necessary to make sure there were enough littles ones around to replace them that the act of replacing themselves was its own reward. Back then it important for the strongest of the species to continue on so fidelity was less about love or commitment and more to do with making sure you weren't wasting time on someone else's genes. I think there is a part of that ancient thought process still embedded in our brains today.
If you've ever been cheated on then you know that feeling that you've been betrayed. The thing is do you know why you're upset about it? If the other person has sex with someone else it would seem obvious, but why? People say all the time that they want others to be happy. So wouldn't it stand to reason that when having sex, even with someone else, that the other person is happy at that moment? As a side note to that I don't believe that someone has to have sex in order to cheat. For me it's all about intention. If you go to have coffee with the intention of doing something more, then you're cheating. Whether you get naked or not doesn't matter because mentally and emotionally you've already stepped out on your partner. Maybe that's an overly strict sense of cheating, but that's how I think. Anyway back to what I was saying. So your partner is in bed with someone else and unless they've done so to intentionally hurt you then why is it such an act of disloyalty? Is it going back to that old thought of someone else could be passing along their genes with the one you've chosen? Is it just about the pleasure associated?
People have a lot of insecurity when it comes to sex. Are you well-equipped physically? Do you know how to do that thing with your mouth? Can you go for hours? And more importantly, how do you compare to others? It seems we've been brought up to constantly worry about these types of things. Sometimes we think about them to the point that they paralyze us from ever acting or create this fear that we'll never measure up (metaphorically).
What is it about the act that feels so personal? A hug feels good. Eating a well made meal can bring us gratification. Something about sex goes beyond those feelings and outside of certain drugs, it's the best feeling we can have. Is it because it's potentially the best thing our bodies can experience that with it also can come the price of having the worst possible emotional fallout? I think there is a bit of ego involved when it comes to sex. We all want to believe that we're good at what we do. People want to believe that the feeling they experience is somewhat unique to them or at least between them and someone else. So when someone cheats is the problem with the fact that the other person went somewhere else to find pleasure, making it seem that what you're doing is simply not enough? Is it just a matter of a bruised ego or is there something more to it?
Saying sex feels good is kind of like saying the ocean is wet. The fact that it feels so good I think is part of the problem we have with it. It's a guilt thing that's been hammered into our heads, be it from religion or other people. There is this weird idea that we shouldn't feel this good and if you do then you're doing something wrong. By nature I think humans are sexual creatures and attempting to suppress those feelings leads to larger problems. It doesn't seem natural to only have sex with one person and only after you've had a ceremony that says you're committed to just them. Or stranger still are those out there that never have any kind of sex because it's going against their beliefs. It's been said the only abnormal sex life is no sex life.
I've joked that the only time I'm not thinking about sex is about 30 seconds after I've had sex. On any given day how often do you think about sex? It can be as subtle as seeing an attractive person or as overt as a fantasy about the act itself. I have to assume it constantly paints the way we see things on a moment by moment basis. There are studies on its effects on the psyche. There is a billion dollar industry dedicated to showing us people having sex in every way possible. Obviously even when people are having regular sex there is some kind of need for more. It's not exactly something that is forgotten about the moment after it's done.
Some could argue that it's the most intimate you can be with another person so that's why it's so meaningful to us. Still there are those out there that have sex casually and think of it as just something fun to do with another person. For them there is no emotional attachment. I guess either point of view is valid. The question is why have we allowed it to become so important to us?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
On Friends
Have you ever stopped to think why you're friends with the people you call your friends?
When we were kids it didn't take much for someone to become our friend. As children we're strangely accepting of new people in our lives and some of the most trivial things lead to friendship. Someone has a cool lunchbox or likes the same toys as you. That's good enough to start being pals. I remember with a couple of my friends I actually became friends with them because they were "hired" to beat me up. Instead of beating me up I talked my way out of the situation and we went to play on the slide. The three of us were friends for years. That was a memorable start to a friendship, but there are so many friendships that have started where I don't even know how I met the person. They just sort of appear in my memory as if they've always been there.
About a year ago I lost a friend who was like that. I can't remember a point when I didn't know him. I think about my childhood and he was there. We weren't best friends, but he was sort of constant for me. After high school we both went our separate ways. We would talk to each other every couple years during college, doing that thing where it felt like no time had passed between when we last saw each other. Then we'd both go back about our lives, comforted by the thought that no matter what else happened, the other would be out there. We had just started back up our rotation and were getting in contact with each other after a few years when he died suddenly. Not only was I sad because my friend was gone, but one of those constants in my life was no longer there.
As we get older it gets harder to let people into our weird little lives. Making friends isn't as easy anymore. Someone likes the same tv show as you, that's not always enough to break through our protective walls. I actually have a really hard time with the word "friend" anyway. It's been that way for a long time. It's actually a problem with labels in general, but that's probably too much for this column. When I think of someone I know and like they're usually in this strangely unclassified state in my head. That's assuming I like you. If I don't like you then you and your name are chucked over the side to make room for other things I do care about. I won't waste time disliking you, instead I'll nothing you. I'll spend as much time thinking about you as I will wondering if Purdue has a good fencing team this year.
On the other hand, if I like you there's a whole other process going on in my mind. I think it comes down to trust, which is an other huge topic. It matters on my level of trust with you. For most people I know I trust them with trivial information such as my thoughts on 80s cartoons being made into movies. You won't be getting too much of my political views or hopes and dreams. And at the same time I won't be asking about those things from you.
It takes a lot for someone to be moved into the friend category. Not a lot on the person's part, but on mine. I have to accept that the person in question isn't going to be bounding out of my life right as I got comfortable with them. I'm sure to the outside observer that probably comes off as a little unfair, but that's just how things work in my head. Once you're considered a friend it takes a lot to undo it. You're actually more stuck with me than anything else. The problem with that is if there is a falling out then it's permanent. If you're out with me then you're out forever. They say it's good to forgive and forget, but I don't have the patience for that. I'll just move on without you.
Anyway back to the original question, why are you friends with the people you call your friends? Is it because you knew them as a kid? Maybe it's because you went to college together. Have kids in the same school. Helped them hide a body after a wild night in Vegas. There are all kinds of reasons we pick people to be our friends initially, but what keeps them around after they've wandered into our orbit? It seems to me that people get there based on what they like, not so much what they are like. It's only after they've arrived that it reverses itself.
Are the people we meet as adults the same kind of friends as the people we met when we were young? Probably not. And it's not really fair to compare the two. I was a different person when I was a kid and my friends from then who are still around are the ones who managed to run the gauntlet that is me. They've had a lifetime to know me. The people I meet today only know the person I am now and the history gets filled as we go. I suppose both come down to just accepting someone into your life and hoping they like you. Weird how things don't really change all that much from when we were kids. We've just had more practice.
When we were kids it didn't take much for someone to become our friend. As children we're strangely accepting of new people in our lives and some of the most trivial things lead to friendship. Someone has a cool lunchbox or likes the same toys as you. That's good enough to start being pals. I remember with a couple of my friends I actually became friends with them because they were "hired" to beat me up. Instead of beating me up I talked my way out of the situation and we went to play on the slide. The three of us were friends for years. That was a memorable start to a friendship, but there are so many friendships that have started where I don't even know how I met the person. They just sort of appear in my memory as if they've always been there.
About a year ago I lost a friend who was like that. I can't remember a point when I didn't know him. I think about my childhood and he was there. We weren't best friends, but he was sort of constant for me. After high school we both went our separate ways. We would talk to each other every couple years during college, doing that thing where it felt like no time had passed between when we last saw each other. Then we'd both go back about our lives, comforted by the thought that no matter what else happened, the other would be out there. We had just started back up our rotation and were getting in contact with each other after a few years when he died suddenly. Not only was I sad because my friend was gone, but one of those constants in my life was no longer there.
As we get older it gets harder to let people into our weird little lives. Making friends isn't as easy anymore. Someone likes the same tv show as you, that's not always enough to break through our protective walls. I actually have a really hard time with the word "friend" anyway. It's been that way for a long time. It's actually a problem with labels in general, but that's probably too much for this column. When I think of someone I know and like they're usually in this strangely unclassified state in my head. That's assuming I like you. If I don't like you then you and your name are chucked over the side to make room for other things I do care about. I won't waste time disliking you, instead I'll nothing you. I'll spend as much time thinking about you as I will wondering if Purdue has a good fencing team this year.
On the other hand, if I like you there's a whole other process going on in my mind. I think it comes down to trust, which is an other huge topic. It matters on my level of trust with you. For most people I know I trust them with trivial information such as my thoughts on 80s cartoons being made into movies. You won't be getting too much of my political views or hopes and dreams. And at the same time I won't be asking about those things from you.
It takes a lot for someone to be moved into the friend category. Not a lot on the person's part, but on mine. I have to accept that the person in question isn't going to be bounding out of my life right as I got comfortable with them. I'm sure to the outside observer that probably comes off as a little unfair, but that's just how things work in my head. Once you're considered a friend it takes a lot to undo it. You're actually more stuck with me than anything else. The problem with that is if there is a falling out then it's permanent. If you're out with me then you're out forever. They say it's good to forgive and forget, but I don't have the patience for that. I'll just move on without you.
Anyway back to the original question, why are you friends with the people you call your friends? Is it because you knew them as a kid? Maybe it's because you went to college together. Have kids in the same school. Helped them hide a body after a wild night in Vegas. There are all kinds of reasons we pick people to be our friends initially, but what keeps them around after they've wandered into our orbit? It seems to me that people get there based on what they like, not so much what they are like. It's only after they've arrived that it reverses itself.
Are the people we meet as adults the same kind of friends as the people we met when we were young? Probably not. And it's not really fair to compare the two. I was a different person when I was a kid and my friends from then who are still around are the ones who managed to run the gauntlet that is me. They've had a lifetime to know me. The people I meet today only know the person I am now and the history gets filled as we go. I suppose both come down to just accepting someone into your life and hoping they like you. Weird how things don't really change all that much from when we were kids. We've just had more practice.
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