Some could argue that there is a sense of freedom to being able to pick up and go at a moment's notice. The whole world has opportunities just around the next corner, it's just up to you to go off and find them. While I was young that was both amazing and terrible. It was great being able to throw everything I owned into a truck, toss the stuff that didn't, and then drive off into the sunset and onto the next adventure. If I thought about it too much, I'd start to realize that my life was so temporary that I could leave it behind with very little notice. It felt like I was always just getting started. The real problem was always my inability to see what I was leaving because I was so focused on where I was going, with hopes that just over the next hill would be the thing I thought I was looking for. Every place I left, I left people and a life, even if that life wasn't exactly what I thought I wanted. I think it was easier to leave because I knew that if things didn't work out, then I could easily return.
It's only been very recently in my life that my decisions have started becoming more permanent. It's not always easy for me to recognize that because my old mindset creeps back in and I think the person I'm being introduced to is just another face in the crowd. Nope, that's a future family member. The house I'm moving into isn't just some random apartment that I'll ditch in a year or so when the lease is up. Even my career is changing. It used to be a string of unrelated jobs, where as long as it paid well and they didn't treat me like garbage, then I'd stick around for a year or so. It's been difficult for me at times because living a momentary life meant that while you wouldn't have to deal with anything terrible for too long, it also meant that I wouldn't really feel attached to anything in a meaningful way. It's only after I had left something/someone behind that I'd realize how good it was for me.
I'm about to have what could be considered the most permanent life event. I woke up one day and realized that when my child is born, I'll forever be her father. No matter what else happens in my life, that will always be true. My life and the choices in it will stop being so fleeting and start becoming more permanent aspects of my world. It's almost as though all those one-off decisions and events have been leading to this. The one that matters most. It's a little intimidating to think about. It's something I've wanted for a long time, but it's always been an abstract. Very soon it will be a reality and it makes me want to be better than I currently am.
