When asked if he was lonely, Neil McCauley said "I am alone. I am not lonely." I suppose that makes sense because it is possible to be alone and not feel even a trace of loneliness. The flip side is also true though. You can be surrounded by people and feel like you're all by yourself. Alone in a crowded room. Being alone can be a frightening concept for a lot of people since as a species we tend to be more pack-oriented. I'm sure a lot of this comes from ancient times when it was a question of survivability. A group of humans would do better than a single person. So with that I guess one could argue that the desire to be with other people is almost hard wired into our brains from a long time ago. Very few of us have extended periods of isolation. Even when we're alone, we're not really alone. You could be holed up in your house or out in the woods for a walk. You're alone, but it wouldn't take very long to be surrounded by people again. We often choose to be alone because everyone needs private time to themselves. It's when it feels forced upon on us that we really feel its impact though.
I have spent a large majority of my life alone or at least feeling alone. Now I know that it's mostly a feeling because growing up my parents were there and eventually my brother arrived on the scene. I know this and yet it doesn't change how I remember a lot of my childhood. Sure I had friends who I would play with and visit, but it felt like a lot of my time was spent being by myself. For some people who grew up with several siblings the idea of spending so much time alone may be like a dream. We tend to wish for what we don't have and not appreciate the value in what we do have. So when I was still an only child spending my days alone I would dream about being surrounded by friends and family because it seemed better than the nearly constant of being alone, even if I didn't always feel lonely. Then a weird thing would happen when I actually was surrounded by friends or family, I would feel strangely uncomfortable around everyone. While I was alone I wanted to be with people and when I was with people I just wanted to go back to being alone. Our environment helps shape who we are and as a species we're very adaptable, however, there are times when once we adapt we don't know how to change again. I had gotten used to being alone and while I wanted to be with people, I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel once I got it. I recently moved into a new place and am living alone again. I had spent over a decade living by myself in different places. It was just something I was accustomed to. Much of the last three years have been spent living with different people. It was a drastic change to go from being alone to living with three or more people at a time. Most of the time I didn't miss being alone, but after most of my adult life being spent alone, it was strange for me to have to take into consideration other people.
Nearly everyone in my family is going through some variation of being alone for the first time in a long time. Moving to a new state where you don't know anyone after over thirty years in a familiar location. Becoming single again after a lifetime of being in a relationship with someone. Being forced to simply exist with yourself, without constant distractions buzzing around so you are confronted by your own thoughts. Each of those can bring about serious feelings of being alone, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. By being alone you also have a certain amount of freedom that you may not get with someone else around. I think most people want someone to care about and in turn someone to care about them. It's a wonderful feeling to know that you matter to someone else. There is a cost to that though, just as there is a cost to everything in this world. Caring about someone else could mean worrying about their well being. It also means that extra considerations have to be made for that person. If you really care about that person then often those considerations are never second guessed. It's worth the extra effort. Being without that can feel foreign or it could feel liberating. One could argue that unless you're given time by yourself, you'll never figure out who you are. If you only spend your time with other people around then you'll only know who you are when you're with them. For some people their sense of identity is directly tied to how they interact with others and they may not want to know any different.
A new job, a new school, a new city, ending a relationship, even a move across town can all remind us that we're alone in the world. We're only alone as long as we choose to be though. Around the corner could be someone that helps end that feeling of isolation. We just have to step out and find them, which is often easier said than done. As Jim Morrison said "People are strange, when you're alone." When we're alone we may feel like strangers in a strange land, trying to find our way or prove ourselves once again. In the end though I have to wonder if being alone is all in our head. Are we the ones who decide if we're alone no matter our physical proximity to another person? If that's true then I guess we're only alone with ourselves.
