Have you ever stopped to think why you're friends with the people you call your friends?
When we were kids it didn't take much for someone to become our friend. As children we're strangely accepting of new people in our lives and some of the most trivial things lead to friendship. Someone has a cool lunchbox or likes the same toys as you. That's good enough to start being pals. I remember with a couple of my friends I actually became friends with them because they were "hired" to beat me up. Instead of beating me up I talked my way out of the situation and we went to play on the slide. The three of us were friends for years. That was a memorable start to a friendship, but there are so many friendships that have started where I don't even know how I met the person. They just sort of appear in my memory as if they've always been there.
About a year ago I lost a friend who was like that. I can't remember a point when I didn't know him. I think about my childhood and he was there. We weren't best friends, but he was sort of constant for me. After high school we both went our separate ways. We would talk to each other every couple years during college, doing that thing where it felt like no time had passed between when we last saw each other. Then we'd both go back about our lives, comforted by the thought that no matter what else happened, the other would be out there. We had just started back up our rotation and were getting in contact with each other after a few years when he died suddenly. Not only was I sad because my friend was gone, but one of those constants in my life was no longer there.
As we get older it gets harder to let people into our weird little lives. Making friends isn't as easy anymore. Someone likes the same tv show as you, that's not always enough to break through our protective walls. I actually have a really hard time with the word "friend" anyway. It's been that way for a long time. It's actually a problem with labels in general, but that's probably too much for this column. When I think of someone I know and like they're usually in this strangely unclassified state in my head. That's assuming I like you. If I don't like you then you and your name are chucked over the side to make room for other things I do care about. I won't waste time disliking you, instead I'll nothing you. I'll spend as much time thinking about you as I will wondering if Purdue has a good fencing team this year.
On the other hand, if I like you there's a whole other process going on in my mind. I think it comes down to trust, which is an other huge topic. It matters on my level of trust with you. For most people I know I trust them with trivial information such as my thoughts on 80s cartoons being made into movies. You won't be getting too much of my political views or hopes and dreams. And at the same time I won't be asking about those things from you.
It takes a lot for someone to be moved into the friend category. Not a lot on the person's part, but on mine. I have to accept that the person in question isn't going to be bounding out of my life right as I got comfortable with them. I'm sure to the outside observer that probably comes off as a little unfair, but that's just how things work in my head. Once you're considered a friend it takes a lot to undo it. You're actually more stuck with me than anything else. The problem with that is if there is a falling out then it's permanent. If you're out with me then you're out forever. They say it's good to forgive and forget, but I don't have the patience for that. I'll just move on without you.
Anyway back to the original question, why are you friends with the people you call your friends? Is it because you knew them as a kid? Maybe it's because you went to college together. Have kids in the same school. Helped them hide a body after a wild night in Vegas. There are all kinds of reasons we pick people to be our friends initially, but what keeps them around after they've wandered into our orbit? It seems to me that people get there based on what they like, not so much what they are like. It's only after they've arrived that it reverses itself.
Are the people we meet as adults the same kind of friends as the people we met when we were young? Probably not. And it's not really fair to compare the two. I was a different person when I was a kid and my friends from then who are still around are the ones who managed to run the gauntlet that is me. They've had a lifetime to know me. The people I meet today only know the person I am now and the history gets filled as we go. I suppose both come down to just accepting someone into your life and hoping they like you. Weird how things don't really change all that much from when we were kids. We've just had more practice.
