It used to be that like any detective, I would ask questions to find out the information I wanted to know. In my mind I couldn't think of another more direct way of getting the details. It was also how I showed my interest. If I asked you questions about something that was because I wanted to know. When there weren't any questions, then I probably didn't care. The problem with that was there were some people that took it as an interrogation rather than interest. It didn't matter how benign the question may have been, to them, it was as though I were trying to invade their privacy. Not being told this, I continued my usual ask-a-question approach.
As a kid I remember one of my parents coming back from a parent/teacher conference and telling me that the teacher had said I was inquisitive. At the time I took it as a compliment because it meant I was always looking for answers. As I got older I started to wonder if maybe the term inquisitive didn't mean the same thing as it did when I was little. Maybe it was just French for "annoying". When I was in Sunday school we had gotten to the part where Cain had killed Abel. Cain was worried that if others found him, they would kill him. So God marked Cain as a form of protection. When I heard this my hand shot up. "What others?" I wasn't all that concerned with why Cain had killed his brother, but more of who was even alive to punish him after the fact. The answer I was given that there were other people. We had just sat through the whole story about how Adam and Eve had two sons, but I didn't remember hearing about anyone else. As far as we had been told there were only four people in the world and suddenly there was concern that Cain wouldn't be able to walk the Earth because someone may figure out what he had done. Where did all these other people come from? And if Adam and Eve were the first two people then technically anyone else that was born would be brother and sister to Cain. Weren't they important enough to have names? You can see how this line of questioning opened up a whole new kettle of frogs. My life has been a series of those kinds of situations where I'm asking what I believe to be an important question, but everyone else involved is getting annoyed.
Recently I've taken a new approach in which I try to avoid asking questions unless absolutely necessary. I treat every situation like I'm talking to the cops. I say as little as possible, if anything. It turns out that while the question may be relevant to me, the answer isn't always something that someone wants to give. What is an innocent question of interest comes across as prying. Regardless of if the perception of my intention was mistaken, at least one person in the situation was getting upset. So I decided to more or less stop with the questions.
I've read a bit about Asperger Syndrome, which simply put is a form of extreme self-involvement. People with this condition have trouble with social interaction and lack a certain sense of empathy. One person described his childhood with a story about how he would talk endlessly about one subject to someone, not realizing the fact that the other person wasn't interested, or at least not as interested as he was. It would never occur to him that someone wouldn't care about what he was talking about. When he got older he found it hard to relate with people. He would be talking to people and focus on the "wrong" detail of the conversation. A woman was having an affair with a man who drove a motorcycle. His mind would jump to the motorcycle. What type was it? How fast did it go? Could he get a ride on it? He would completely miss the point of the statement. He also went on to say that he didn't understand those small talk type questions like "How are you?" or "How is your wife?" In his mind he assumed that if the person wanted him to know, they would tell him about it. That's how he did things, so why didn't everyone else?
Now I'm not saying I have Aspergers or anything close to it, but I can relate with what he was talking about. I am self-involved, not because I have some syndrome, but mostly because I'm an asshole. I have to remind myself to show interest in someone else. Normally it doesn't occur to me to ask how someone's day was. It's not because I don't care (well sometimes I don't care), but more because I figure if you want me to know then you'll tell me. I think somewhere along the way I went from one extreme of not showing interest to showing too much. And now I'm moving back towards my default of appearing as though I don't care. These days I tend to ask only questions that I have to. If I can get the information some other way, then I'll go with that. It's also about the information itself. Sometimes it's not important for me to know, even if I feel it is. In some way I've tried to let go of my constant need for knowing. I'm sure to some that come off as being aloof, which may be true. There are really two reason for it though. One is a form of protection. I've had too many experiences where someone got offended by my questions. So maybe it's best to avoid them all together. The second is that for the most part I can get by without knowing. The problem with that is that I sink further into my head. The question is still there, even if I don't ask it out loud. Without any suitable answer from someone then I'll just create my own theory and move on to other things.
I've found that for the most part that answers will present themselves regardless of if I ask questions. In some cases you'll even get answers to questions you didn't know to ask just by keeping your mouth shut. Now I'm not saying that I won't ever ask about something. Instead I try to limit myself to only what's necessary. The rest will be provided. Or it won't. I suppose either way life goes on. So don't be offended if I don't ask about your day or how your weekend was? In most cases I'd like to hear about it, if you wanted to share, but unless you initiate it, then I'll just go on the assumption that it's none of my business.
