Monday, July 5, 2010
This is Ponderous
How come the mosquito, who has been around for millions of years, hasn't evolved in a way that instead of injecting us with something itchy and annoying, they inject us with something delightful and pleasant? I would imagine if they did that they wouldn't get smooshed as fast as they do now.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
On Secrets & Lies
Everyone has secrets. Most people may only consider them to be simply things that they wish to keep private. Secrets, for the most part, are a good thing. Everyone needs to have a portion of themselves hidden from the world. That piece is just for them and no one else. Without secrets we would be wandering around fully exposed, almost like being naked.
I know there are couples out there who say that they tell each other everything. That they have no secrets. There are also people who say that they have nothing to hide. While that may be mostly true, everyone has something they don't or won't share with anyone. It could be some fear, a dark fantasy, an embarrassing event from the past, or something that no one else could possibly understand. Whatever it is, there can be a bit of comfort knowing that it's yours. On the flip side there can be a bit of anxiety that someone may find out about it. If someone learns our secrets there is that fear of being judged. No one really wants to be judged by someone else and yet we all do it to other people. It's in our nature. I suppose the trick is realizing that in many cases it doesn't matter what someone else thinks, it only matters what you think. So you like hardcore goat porn. You secretly cheated on a significant other at some point in a relationship. The end of the bachelor party ended up with someone being buried in the Nevada desert. OK that last one was probably pretty bad, but we tend to hide things that don't need to be hidden. Our secrets are probably trivial to other people, at least after the initial shock of hearing them. I think part of the problem with revealing a secret is that you've forever exposed a piece of yourself. It's out there and can never be hidden again. And once it's out there it's hard to say how it will change things.
Now not all secrets are harmless. Even in the examples I listed there could be some serious consequences. In a lot of situations it's unknown how someone may react to hearing secret information. That sense of unknown often leads to irrational fear. Or maybe very reasonable fear based on whatever that secret is. People have murdered in order to hide a lesser crime. At that moment it made more sense to kill someone that allow for the possibility that their secret would be exposed. Blackmail is based on the assumption that someone is so scared about something getting out that they'll continue to pay for peace of mind. The problem with blackmail is that you're never buying peace of mind, you're only renting it. It becomes a question of how far you'd go to keep something private.
It makes me wonder if keeping something secret is a form of lying. One could argue that by omitting certain pieces of information, you're in fact lying. If I don't share something does it automatically mean it's private? At what point does the unspoken transform into a secret? I guess it would only become a secret if you consciously made an effort to keep someone from finding out about it. Keeping a secret requires some bit of deception. Everyone has heard the phrase "honesty is the best policy". It's usually said by someone who is naive. I'm not saying honesty is bad, but there are so many situations where being honest doesn't help, in fact it does just the opposite. Now in several cases you should stick with the truth, if only for the simple fact that it's usually the easiest thing to remember.
The thing is that everyone lies. The size and depth of the lie varies, but we've all done it at some point and will do it again. And not all lies are bad. Some are necessary. Where would we be if we always told the truth? Although there is a difference between being honest and simply saying whatever it is you're thinking. Sometimes it's best to say nothing and when that's not an option, you go with what will cause the least amount of damage.
George said "It's not a lie if you believe it", which I always thought was a funny thing to say because it's probably the worst of all lies. You've started to delude yourself into believing something false. I would imagine everyone lies to themselves from time to time. We try to convince ourselves of something we know not to be true, but because we think it, it might in fact become true for us. Before I've talked about how perception shapes memory and in turn reality. A lie can become the truth for us if there is nothing to contradict it. In that regard the lie about the truth has become our secret that we keep from ourselves.
I know there are couples out there who say that they tell each other everything. That they have no secrets. There are also people who say that they have nothing to hide. While that may be mostly true, everyone has something they don't or won't share with anyone. It could be some fear, a dark fantasy, an embarrassing event from the past, or something that no one else could possibly understand. Whatever it is, there can be a bit of comfort knowing that it's yours. On the flip side there can be a bit of anxiety that someone may find out about it. If someone learns our secrets there is that fear of being judged. No one really wants to be judged by someone else and yet we all do it to other people. It's in our nature. I suppose the trick is realizing that in many cases it doesn't matter what someone else thinks, it only matters what you think. So you like hardcore goat porn. You secretly cheated on a significant other at some point in a relationship. The end of the bachelor party ended up with someone being buried in the Nevada desert. OK that last one was probably pretty bad, but we tend to hide things that don't need to be hidden. Our secrets are probably trivial to other people, at least after the initial shock of hearing them. I think part of the problem with revealing a secret is that you've forever exposed a piece of yourself. It's out there and can never be hidden again. And once it's out there it's hard to say how it will change things.
Now not all secrets are harmless. Even in the examples I listed there could be some serious consequences. In a lot of situations it's unknown how someone may react to hearing secret information. That sense of unknown often leads to irrational fear. Or maybe very reasonable fear based on whatever that secret is. People have murdered in order to hide a lesser crime. At that moment it made more sense to kill someone that allow for the possibility that their secret would be exposed. Blackmail is based on the assumption that someone is so scared about something getting out that they'll continue to pay for peace of mind. The problem with blackmail is that you're never buying peace of mind, you're only renting it. It becomes a question of how far you'd go to keep something private.
It makes me wonder if keeping something secret is a form of lying. One could argue that by omitting certain pieces of information, you're in fact lying. If I don't share something does it automatically mean it's private? At what point does the unspoken transform into a secret? I guess it would only become a secret if you consciously made an effort to keep someone from finding out about it. Keeping a secret requires some bit of deception. Everyone has heard the phrase "honesty is the best policy". It's usually said by someone who is naive. I'm not saying honesty is bad, but there are so many situations where being honest doesn't help, in fact it does just the opposite. Now in several cases you should stick with the truth, if only for the simple fact that it's usually the easiest thing to remember.
The thing is that everyone lies. The size and depth of the lie varies, but we've all done it at some point and will do it again. And not all lies are bad. Some are necessary. Where would we be if we always told the truth? Although there is a difference between being honest and simply saying whatever it is you're thinking. Sometimes it's best to say nothing and when that's not an option, you go with what will cause the least amount of damage.
George said "It's not a lie if you believe it", which I always thought was a funny thing to say because it's probably the worst of all lies. You've started to delude yourself into believing something false. I would imagine everyone lies to themselves from time to time. We try to convince ourselves of something we know not to be true, but because we think it, it might in fact become true for us. Before I've talked about how perception shapes memory and in turn reality. A lie can become the truth for us if there is nothing to contradict it. In that regard the lie about the truth has become our secret that we keep from ourselves.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
On Sex...Again
I've heard it been said by several adults that a young woman's virginity is the most precious gift she can give. I'm not exactly sure why that is though. In the end sex is really just about friction. It's skin rubbing against skin, which happens to feel really good. That's kind of like saying that the best gift you can give someone is a really good scratch on the back. By the way scientists are actually researching why scratching feels good, so who knows maybe there is some connection. The most precious gift is allowing someone else to rub your skin for you? Wouldn't it make more sense for the most precious thing you can give to someone else be a part of your soul? In the grand scheme of things if there is an eternal soul then sharing that with another would be more lasting and hopefully more important than the fleeting pleasure of skin on skin.
I think part of the problem is the amount of importance that it's given. It starts at an early age too. Parents try very hard to hide it from children because their parents hid it from them. So it becomes this mystery that everyone wants to know more about, but because the people with the most knowledge and experience aren't talking, kids have to go and find out for themselves. As I've mentioned before, there is a certain amount of guilt associated with sex, usually put there by adults and/or society in general. If it feels that good then it must be wrong. What if we got the same amount of pleasure from eating a specific food or hearing music? Would that food or that music then be associated with guilt as well? For some reason that who mentality makes me wonder why certain substances are illegal. Is it because they are "harmful" or is it because they've crossed over from good feeling to guilty good? I suppose that's a subject for another time. So we're taught that sex is wrong or dirty and yet it's somehow magically ok once you get married. Marriage for the most part is just the government's recognition of two people as a couple. Essentially you're asking the government for permission to have sex then. I'm guessing that's how some people want it though.
To make matters worse there are some people out there who think that any form of information will only lead to more sex. That mystery I mentioned before must remain a mystery. The idea that abstinence is sex education is something that seems to have made a bit of a comeback. Not teaching children about sex is a bit like sticking your head in the sand. When doctors, who are experts, are asked about how to proceed with sex education, they tend to say that more information is better, not less. And yet for the most part that advice is largely ignored by so many groups. The consensus from experts is that teaching abstinence doesn't prevent teenagers from having sex, it only prevents them from having safe sex. In their attempts to suppress anything sexual, those who want nothing to do with sex have in fact helped perpetuate all that they are afraid of.
Sex can be great. It can be fun. It can be one of the best things physically you do with another person. In fact it's that hope that a lot of people prey on. I'm not even talking about just porn, which is blatant in its promise of sex. Sure you could be on some less than family-oriented site where there are ads to grow your penis or how there are thousands of horny girls just begging for you to give it to them. It's the hollow promise that if you click on their link then you'll be rewarded with fantastic sex. In actuality it's probably just something to distract you so they can take your money when you have your pants around your ankles. It's an old trick with modern parts. Anyway as I was saying, it's not just porn, but nearly every commercial that uses sex as its basis. Buy this product because the implication is that it is sexy or will help you to get laid. Often times we're very simple creatures and it's not that hard to manipulate us. The thing is that even the best sex is fleeting. I'm not talking about the time it takes for the actual act (which even in marathon mode is short in the big picture), but rather the time it takes before it stops being great. In a weird way sex is like working out. The first few times your muscles are not used to the strain and are getting the most benefit from lifting the weight or running a certain distance. In a usually short time the muscles have adapted and the same number of repetitions are no longer producing the same results. You either have to increase the weight, the repetitions, or change the rotation. If you don't the work out becomes stale. Sex isn't much different. What was great yesterday may not be great tomorrow. Even if you change things up on a regular basis that firey passion will eventually fade. That isn't a bad thing. If you're lucky, what comes after the passion can be better.
So maybe you're with someone whom you've had great sex with. Maybe it's not great anymore, but still very good. It's not to say that there won't be great moments again, but that peak was reached awhile ago. It's in those times when things aren't as good as they once were that people may start looking for that high again. It's very similar to drug use and chasing after that first initial rush. We as a species can become bored quickly. It's easy to stop appreciating what you have because it's not new anymore. Some people watch bad TV when they're bored. Some people eat even when they're not hungry. And some people go out and have sex when they're bored. Now I haven't taken a survey or anything, but I would imagine the rates of adultery go up in the winter when there is less to do. The same is probably true during times of war, but that's most likely less out of boredom and more from the fact that people just get lonely. I suppose one could also argue that there is some biological imperative built-in. If your mate is absent and likely to die then the most logical thing to do to continue the bloodline is to sleep with your neighbor.
In the end we become pretty stupid when it comes to getting a little bit of pleasure. It's been the basis for wars, murder, lies, and heartbreak. Strange how something that can feel so good can cause so much pain.
I think part of the problem is the amount of importance that it's given. It starts at an early age too. Parents try very hard to hide it from children because their parents hid it from them. So it becomes this mystery that everyone wants to know more about, but because the people with the most knowledge and experience aren't talking, kids have to go and find out for themselves. As I've mentioned before, there is a certain amount of guilt associated with sex, usually put there by adults and/or society in general. If it feels that good then it must be wrong. What if we got the same amount of pleasure from eating a specific food or hearing music? Would that food or that music then be associated with guilt as well? For some reason that who mentality makes me wonder why certain substances are illegal. Is it because they are "harmful" or is it because they've crossed over from good feeling to guilty good? I suppose that's a subject for another time. So we're taught that sex is wrong or dirty and yet it's somehow magically ok once you get married. Marriage for the most part is just the government's recognition of two people as a couple. Essentially you're asking the government for permission to have sex then. I'm guessing that's how some people want it though.
To make matters worse there are some people out there who think that any form of information will only lead to more sex. That mystery I mentioned before must remain a mystery. The idea that abstinence is sex education is something that seems to have made a bit of a comeback. Not teaching children about sex is a bit like sticking your head in the sand. When doctors, who are experts, are asked about how to proceed with sex education, they tend to say that more information is better, not less. And yet for the most part that advice is largely ignored by so many groups. The consensus from experts is that teaching abstinence doesn't prevent teenagers from having sex, it only prevents them from having safe sex. In their attempts to suppress anything sexual, those who want nothing to do with sex have in fact helped perpetuate all that they are afraid of.
Sex can be great. It can be fun. It can be one of the best things physically you do with another person. In fact it's that hope that a lot of people prey on. I'm not even talking about just porn, which is blatant in its promise of sex. Sure you could be on some less than family-oriented site where there are ads to grow your penis or how there are thousands of horny girls just begging for you to give it to them. It's the hollow promise that if you click on their link then you'll be rewarded with fantastic sex. In actuality it's probably just something to distract you so they can take your money when you have your pants around your ankles. It's an old trick with modern parts. Anyway as I was saying, it's not just porn, but nearly every commercial that uses sex as its basis. Buy this product because the implication is that it is sexy or will help you to get laid. Often times we're very simple creatures and it's not that hard to manipulate us. The thing is that even the best sex is fleeting. I'm not talking about the time it takes for the actual act (which even in marathon mode is short in the big picture), but rather the time it takes before it stops being great. In a weird way sex is like working out. The first few times your muscles are not used to the strain and are getting the most benefit from lifting the weight or running a certain distance. In a usually short time the muscles have adapted and the same number of repetitions are no longer producing the same results. You either have to increase the weight, the repetitions, or change the rotation. If you don't the work out becomes stale. Sex isn't much different. What was great yesterday may not be great tomorrow. Even if you change things up on a regular basis that firey passion will eventually fade. That isn't a bad thing. If you're lucky, what comes after the passion can be better.
So maybe you're with someone whom you've had great sex with. Maybe it's not great anymore, but still very good. It's not to say that there won't be great moments again, but that peak was reached awhile ago. It's in those times when things aren't as good as they once were that people may start looking for that high again. It's very similar to drug use and chasing after that first initial rush. We as a species can become bored quickly. It's easy to stop appreciating what you have because it's not new anymore. Some people watch bad TV when they're bored. Some people eat even when they're not hungry. And some people go out and have sex when they're bored. Now I haven't taken a survey or anything, but I would imagine the rates of adultery go up in the winter when there is less to do. The same is probably true during times of war, but that's most likely less out of boredom and more from the fact that people just get lonely. I suppose one could also argue that there is some biological imperative built-in. If your mate is absent and likely to die then the most logical thing to do to continue the bloodline is to sleep with your neighbor.
In the end we become pretty stupid when it comes to getting a little bit of pleasure. It's been the basis for wars, murder, lies, and heartbreak. Strange how something that can feel so good can cause so much pain.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Words Fail Me
I need a word that describes that feeling you get when you wake up from a dream not quite sure if it was real or not and spend any portion of the day worried about something that may have only been in your subconscious.
On Questions
It used to be that like any detective, I would ask questions to find out the information I wanted to know. In my mind I couldn't think of another more direct way of getting the details. It was also how I showed my interest. If I asked you questions about something that was because I wanted to know. When there weren't any questions, then I probably didn't care. The problem with that was there were some people that took it as an interrogation rather than interest. It didn't matter how benign the question may have been, to them, it was as though I were trying to invade their privacy. Not being told this, I continued my usual ask-a-question approach.
As a kid I remember one of my parents coming back from a parent/teacher conference and telling me that the teacher had said I was inquisitive. At the time I took it as a compliment because it meant I was always looking for answers. As I got older I started to wonder if maybe the term inquisitive didn't mean the same thing as it did when I was little. Maybe it was just French for "annoying". When I was in Sunday school we had gotten to the part where Cain had killed Abel. Cain was worried that if others found him, they would kill him. So God marked Cain as a form of protection. When I heard this my hand shot up. "What others?" I wasn't all that concerned with why Cain had killed his brother, but more of who was even alive to punish him after the fact. The answer I was given that there were other people. We had just sat through the whole story about how Adam and Eve had two sons, but I didn't remember hearing about anyone else. As far as we had been told there were only four people in the world and suddenly there was concern that Cain wouldn't be able to walk the Earth because someone may figure out what he had done. Where did all these other people come from? And if Adam and Eve were the first two people then technically anyone else that was born would be brother and sister to Cain. Weren't they important enough to have names? You can see how this line of questioning opened up a whole new kettle of frogs. My life has been a series of those kinds of situations where I'm asking what I believe to be an important question, but everyone else involved is getting annoyed.
Recently I've taken a new approach in which I try to avoid asking questions unless absolutely necessary. I treat every situation like I'm talking to the cops. I say as little as possible, if anything. It turns out that while the question may be relevant to me, the answer isn't always something that someone wants to give. What is an innocent question of interest comes across as prying. Regardless of if the perception of my intention was mistaken, at least one person in the situation was getting upset. So I decided to more or less stop with the questions.
I've read a bit about Asperger Syndrome, which simply put is a form of extreme self-involvement. People with this condition have trouble with social interaction and lack a certain sense of empathy. One person described his childhood with a story about how he would talk endlessly about one subject to someone, not realizing the fact that the other person wasn't interested, or at least not as interested as he was. It would never occur to him that someone wouldn't care about what he was talking about. When he got older he found it hard to relate with people. He would be talking to people and focus on the "wrong" detail of the conversation. A woman was having an affair with a man who drove a motorcycle. His mind would jump to the motorcycle. What type was it? How fast did it go? Could he get a ride on it? He would completely miss the point of the statement. He also went on to say that he didn't understand those small talk type questions like "How are you?" or "How is your wife?" In his mind he assumed that if the person wanted him to know, they would tell him about it. That's how he did things, so why didn't everyone else?
Now I'm not saying I have Aspergers or anything close to it, but I can relate with what he was talking about. I am self-involved, not because I have some syndrome, but mostly because I'm an asshole. I have to remind myself to show interest in someone else. Normally it doesn't occur to me to ask how someone's day was. It's not because I don't care (well sometimes I don't care), but more because I figure if you want me to know then you'll tell me. I think somewhere along the way I went from one extreme of not showing interest to showing too much. And now I'm moving back towards my default of appearing as though I don't care. These days I tend to ask only questions that I have to. If I can get the information some other way, then I'll go with that. It's also about the information itself. Sometimes it's not important for me to know, even if I feel it is. In some way I've tried to let go of my constant need for knowing. I'm sure to some that come off as being aloof, which may be true. There are really two reason for it though. One is a form of protection. I've had too many experiences where someone got offended by my questions. So maybe it's best to avoid them all together. The second is that for the most part I can get by without knowing. The problem with that is that I sink further into my head. The question is still there, even if I don't ask it out loud. Without any suitable answer from someone then I'll just create my own theory and move on to other things.
I've found that for the most part that answers will present themselves regardless of if I ask questions. In some cases you'll even get answers to questions you didn't know to ask just by keeping your mouth shut. Now I'm not saying that I won't ever ask about something. Instead I try to limit myself to only what's necessary. The rest will be provided. Or it won't. I suppose either way life goes on. So don't be offended if I don't ask about your day or how your weekend was? In most cases I'd like to hear about it, if you wanted to share, but unless you initiate it, then I'll just go on the assumption that it's none of my business.
As a kid I remember one of my parents coming back from a parent/teacher conference and telling me that the teacher had said I was inquisitive. At the time I took it as a compliment because it meant I was always looking for answers. As I got older I started to wonder if maybe the term inquisitive didn't mean the same thing as it did when I was little. Maybe it was just French for "annoying". When I was in Sunday school we had gotten to the part where Cain had killed Abel. Cain was worried that if others found him, they would kill him. So God marked Cain as a form of protection. When I heard this my hand shot up. "What others?" I wasn't all that concerned with why Cain had killed his brother, but more of who was even alive to punish him after the fact. The answer I was given that there were other people. We had just sat through the whole story about how Adam and Eve had two sons, but I didn't remember hearing about anyone else. As far as we had been told there were only four people in the world and suddenly there was concern that Cain wouldn't be able to walk the Earth because someone may figure out what he had done. Where did all these other people come from? And if Adam and Eve were the first two people then technically anyone else that was born would be brother and sister to Cain. Weren't they important enough to have names? You can see how this line of questioning opened up a whole new kettle of frogs. My life has been a series of those kinds of situations where I'm asking what I believe to be an important question, but everyone else involved is getting annoyed.
Recently I've taken a new approach in which I try to avoid asking questions unless absolutely necessary. I treat every situation like I'm talking to the cops. I say as little as possible, if anything. It turns out that while the question may be relevant to me, the answer isn't always something that someone wants to give. What is an innocent question of interest comes across as prying. Regardless of if the perception of my intention was mistaken, at least one person in the situation was getting upset. So I decided to more or less stop with the questions.
I've read a bit about Asperger Syndrome, which simply put is a form of extreme self-involvement. People with this condition have trouble with social interaction and lack a certain sense of empathy. One person described his childhood with a story about how he would talk endlessly about one subject to someone, not realizing the fact that the other person wasn't interested, or at least not as interested as he was. It would never occur to him that someone wouldn't care about what he was talking about. When he got older he found it hard to relate with people. He would be talking to people and focus on the "wrong" detail of the conversation. A woman was having an affair with a man who drove a motorcycle. His mind would jump to the motorcycle. What type was it? How fast did it go? Could he get a ride on it? He would completely miss the point of the statement. He also went on to say that he didn't understand those small talk type questions like "How are you?" or "How is your wife?" In his mind he assumed that if the person wanted him to know, they would tell him about it. That's how he did things, so why didn't everyone else?
Now I'm not saying I have Aspergers or anything close to it, but I can relate with what he was talking about. I am self-involved, not because I have some syndrome, but mostly because I'm an asshole. I have to remind myself to show interest in someone else. Normally it doesn't occur to me to ask how someone's day was. It's not because I don't care (well sometimes I don't care), but more because I figure if you want me to know then you'll tell me. I think somewhere along the way I went from one extreme of not showing interest to showing too much. And now I'm moving back towards my default of appearing as though I don't care. These days I tend to ask only questions that I have to. If I can get the information some other way, then I'll go with that. It's also about the information itself. Sometimes it's not important for me to know, even if I feel it is. In some way I've tried to let go of my constant need for knowing. I'm sure to some that come off as being aloof, which may be true. There are really two reason for it though. One is a form of protection. I've had too many experiences where someone got offended by my questions. So maybe it's best to avoid them all together. The second is that for the most part I can get by without knowing. The problem with that is that I sink further into my head. The question is still there, even if I don't ask it out loud. Without any suitable answer from someone then I'll just create my own theory and move on to other things.
I've found that for the most part that answers will present themselves regardless of if I ask questions. In some cases you'll even get answers to questions you didn't know to ask just by keeping your mouth shut. Now I'm not saying that I won't ever ask about something. Instead I try to limit myself to only what's necessary. The rest will be provided. Or it won't. I suppose either way life goes on. So don't be offended if I don't ask about your day or how your weekend was? In most cases I'd like to hear about it, if you wanted to share, but unless you initiate it, then I'll just go on the assumption that it's none of my business.
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