Mountain Range

On Growing Up

When I was a kid I thought being a grown up would be something that would be unmistakable. I wasn't really sure what age it was supposed to happen, but at some point you'd stop being a kid and become an adult. Society likes to tell us that at eighteen we'll be an adult in the eyes of the law. I don't know if you remember what it was like being that age, but if anything the world was even more confusing than before. At eighteen you're allowed the right to vote. You can legally have sex with other eighteen year olds and not have it be wrong (at least in most cases). For males you're required to register for Selective Service, meaning it's ok for your country to call you to arms in the event of full scale war breaks out. It's also a time when many are given their first opportunity to leave home and start off on their own. This could be going off to college, joining the military, or just finding a job and place of their own. When we're eighteen we often think we have all the answers. We've been around just long enough to believe our own hype regarding our ability to conquer the world.

I was still in elementary school when I calculated that I would be twenty three when the year 2000 rolled around. I thought for sure that by then I would be an adult. Twenty three seemed so old at the time. I was a year older than my father was when I was born so it seemed logical to think that by the time I got to that age I would be grown up. The only thing worse than an eighteen year old is a twenty three year old. While the world is wide open for a newly graduated eighteen year old, they really have no idea what's in store for them. They may think they know, but it usually takes a few months for them to realize that everything is different than they originally thought it would be. Cut to a handful of years later and you've got this person who is even more convinced they know how the world works. Now don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people who are wise beyond their years in their early twenties. Some people have experienced a lifetime knowledge by the time they reach their twenty first birthday. In a lot of cases though people have only a touch more experience than they did when they graduated from high school. When we are young we learn at a fantastic rate. The world is new and everything we learn is bright discovery. Eventually we get to a point where we've learned so much that we think it's entirely possible that we know all the important stuff. I have a feeling the older you get the more you realize you don't know. With age comes that knowledge what you think you know is only fraction of everything that's out there.

When I was little I loved toys, like most kids probably did. I liked to draw and paint silly pictures. Cartoons were genius, even if they came on too early in the morning. Video games were still a relatively new thing, especially for the home, but once my father bought an Atari system I went out of my mind with excitement. In addition to all this I loved to play outside and run around like a crazy person. Those were things I knew I loved back when I was five. Nearly thirty years later I still love those things almost as much as I did back when I was a kid. I've often wondered why for me those things never lost their appeal, but to others, even people I grew up with, they eventually lost interest in childhood things and moved towards more adult interests. Interests being politics, lawn care, automobile engine horsepower, MASH, and the stock market. Sometimes I think I was very lucky to have found what I liked early on. It must have been difficult for other people who grew up to be interested in politics having to sit through years of brightly colored horses and wacky misadventures by talking ducks.

Then again maybe some people feel the need to follow the sentiment of "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." For them they reach a certain age and find that they no longer care about what they liked as a kid. Taking a stab at the psychology of that, I wonder if it's possible that those "childish ways" are put away because if you still like those things then it means you're still a child yourself. As I grew up the adults around me had no interest in toys, cartoons, or video games. The friends of my father liked cars and motorcycles. They would talk about things that seemed so far beyond my understanding. My parents watched the news and read the paper, both of which seemed to be filled with the most boring information presented in the most mundane way possible. Both my parents had interests beyond what I saw, but as a kid I only knew that I was the only one in the house who cared about Space Marines or comic books.

These days the majority of my friends are interested in cartoons, video games, comic books, and even toys. Sure they like other things not so childish, but it's interesting to me that I am now around people my age and older who like things that were meant for children. It's become a lot more acceptable for people to like those things from our past. Some of the biggest movies out are cartoons or based on some comic book. The video game industry is a multi-billion dollar field where thousands of very smart people work very hard to make that radiation-ravaged mutant explode in a realistic way when you shoot his face with your bionic shotgun. I think some of this has to do with where we are as a society. Even though the economy isn't great right now, we've experience quite a few years of prosperity. With that there are a lot more opportunities to explore and enjoy things that aren't so practical. Growing up there weren't nearly as many movie critics as there are today. Thanks to the internet and cable's hundreds of channels there are thousands of people who can make a comfortable living discussing and critiquing movies. Thanks to our country's success it doesn't stop with movies. There are websites and television shows dedicated to talking about all sorts of things that have a definite kid-feel to them. Liking comic books or collecting toys is no longer something that people feel embarrassed about.

In addition to all that I think it's possible that this behavior is somewhat generational. Kids can really go one of two ways when it comes to following what their parents like or do. They can either go along with what their parents or they can rebel against it. My father likes cars, planes, and guns. He's a hard worker who has always seemed very practical in what he does. As I mentioned before, he was the one who bought our first video game system, but after that initial purchase his interest in games quickly faded whereas mine only intensified. He tried on several occasions to teach me about an engine works. It was just never something that I got into. I know some kids join their parents in working on cars or sewing or cooking, but for me I was always more interested in what the Smurfs were doing or creating some situation for He-Man to fight his way out of. I'm pretty thankful that my parents never really forced me to do what they did. Even without that pressure I never took to their interests because I had my own. Some kids see what their parents are doing and decide they too want to do it. I don't know if that's a personality thing or something else.

As kids we're asked what we want to be when we grow up. I think that is a really tough question because actually growing up could take a lifetime. Some people are older than their years. In fact I think some people are just mentally old. To them the world is to be seen in a practical way and handled accordingly. While there isn't anything really wrong with this approach to the world, I wonder if they experience joy like they did when they were kids. On the flip side though you have people like myself who only behave like adults when absolutely necessary so when those moments are forced upon us we tend to behave a bit more childishly than we should. Lately it feels like more and more there are grown ups and there are those people who have reached adulthood, but are still trying remember what it was like to be a child, when the world was there to be explored. I suppose if that's true then I don't want to grow up.

Words Fail Me

I need a word for when you don't know the answer to something, but are pretty sure the person you're asking for help doesn't either, even though they think they're right.

Cavern

On Being Alone

When asked if he was lonely, Neil McCauley said "I am alone. I am not lonely." I suppose that makes sense because it is possible to be alone and not feel even a trace of loneliness. The flip side is also true though. You can be surrounded by people and feel like you're all by yourself. Alone in a crowded room. Being alone can be a frightening concept for a lot of people since as a species we tend to be more pack-oriented. I'm sure a lot of this comes from ancient times when it was a question of survivability. A group of humans would do better than a single person. So with that I guess one could argue that the desire to be with other people is almost hard wired into our brains from a long time ago. Very few of us have extended periods of isolation. Even when we're alone, we're not really alone. You could be holed up in your house or out in the woods for a walk. You're alone, but it wouldn't take very long to be surrounded by people again. We often choose to be alone because everyone needs private time to themselves. It's when it feels forced upon on us that we really feel its impact though.

I have spent a large majority of my life alone or at least feeling alone. Now I know that it's mostly a feeling because growing up my parents were there and eventually my brother arrived on the scene. I know this and yet it doesn't change how I remember a lot of my childhood. Sure I had friends who I would play with and visit, but it felt like a lot of my time was spent being by myself. For some people who grew up with several siblings the idea of spending so much time alone may be like a dream. We tend to wish for what we don't have and not appreciate the value in what we do have. So when I was still an only child spending my days alone I would dream about being surrounded by friends and family because it seemed better than the nearly constant of being alone, even if I didn't always feel lonely. Then a weird thing would happen when I actually was surrounded by friends or family, I would feel strangely uncomfortable around everyone. While I was alone I wanted to be with people and when I was with people I just wanted to go back to being alone. Our environment helps shape who we are and as a species we're very adaptable, however, there are times when once we adapt we don't know how to change again. I had gotten used to being alone and while I wanted to be with people, I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel once I got it. I recently moved into a new place and am living alone again. I had spent over a decade living by myself in different places. It was just something I was accustomed to. Much of the last three years have been spent living with different people. It was a drastic change to go from being alone to living with three or more people at a time. Most of the time I didn't miss being alone, but after most of my adult life being spent alone, it was strange for me to have to take into consideration other people.

Nearly everyone in my family is going through some variation of being alone for the first time in a long time. Moving to a new state where you don't know anyone after over thirty years in a familiar location. Becoming single again after a lifetime of being in a relationship with someone. Being forced to simply exist with yourself, without constant distractions buzzing around so you are confronted by your own thoughts. Each of those can bring about serious feelings of being alone, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. By being alone you also have a certain amount of freedom that you may not get with someone else around. I think most people want someone to care about and in turn someone to care about them. It's a wonderful feeling to know that you matter to someone else. There is a cost to that though, just as there is a cost to everything in this world. Caring about someone else could mean worrying about their well being. It also means that extra considerations have to be made for that person. If you really care about that person then often those considerations are never second guessed. It's worth the extra effort. Being without that can feel foreign or it could feel liberating. One could argue that unless you're given time by yourself, you'll never figure out who you are. If you only spend your time with other people around then you'll only know who you are when you're with them. For some people their sense of identity is directly tied to how they interact with others and they may not want to know any different.

A new job, a new school, a new city, ending a relationship, even a move across town can all remind us that we're alone in the world. We're only alone as long as we choose to be though. Around the corner could be someone that helps end that feeling of isolation. We just have to step out and find them, which is often easier said than done. As Jim Morrison said "People are strange, when you're alone." When we're alone we may feel like strangers in a strange land, trying to find our way or prove ourselves once again. In the end though I have to wonder if being alone is all in our head. Are we the ones who decide if we're alone no matter our physical proximity to another person? If that's true then I guess we're only alone with ourselves.

Lava Flow

Moving On

Even the best moments in our lives are fleeting. Nothing lasts forever, even if we wish it would. In a way we're always moving on from something. Life is change. Sometimes we fight against that change or try to hold it back so that things can remain the same. We may be successful for a short time, but in the end the moment will come when it's time to move on. What we move on towards could be something good or it could be worse than what we currently have. Whatever the situation is though, this too won't last forever, although in some cases it may feel like forever. If you're fortunate enough to be moving onto something better, then hopefully you'll remember to enjoy it while it lasts. If circumstances have moved you into something that feels terrible, know that there is always potential for things to change again. The cynical side of me used to have a phrase "Nothing in life is so bad that it can't get worse". While that is technically true, it's also true that nothing in life is so perfect that it can't get better.

About three years ago I finally got to a point where I was just tired of feeling like things were never changing. People around me seemed to be having experiences, both good and bad. They say life can be a roller-coaster of emotions, but for me things felt stagnant. The highs felt muted and the lows, while bad, were seemingly insignificant because overall everything felt like it was lacking a true impact. These feelings had been there for years and like most people, I pushed them aside because as an adult we're often times forced to endure things we may not like. Part of being a responsible adult has always been doing what is necessary. So after much deliberation I made a change and walked away from nearly everything that I had established. Sure I had this partially formulated plan that I would return to school and potentially further myself both in education and career. Fast forward to now and I learned a lot, most of it not from college. The things I learned were those little life lessons that smack you in the mouth when you're not expecting it just to make sure that you remember it.

Those three years were actually exactly what I was looking for, even though there were several times throughout that I wished I could go back to the stability of the mundane. I joke that it was a preview of what retirement would be like. More importantly though I've found that how I spent my time was more in tune with who I am, which I suppose some people would label as lazy. As I've mentioned before I've always had a difficult time when it comes to a career. Everything has more or less felt like a job. It was just a way to get money to pay for the things I really wanted. I think part of that comes from the fact that I feel like people forced to sit in cubicles is the equivalent of cattle who spend their life in a cage. You're expected to produce and when you no longer provide you're taken out. Granted people don't get a bolt gun to the forehead like a cow, but talk to someone who has spent most of their adult life working at a single place how they feel when it's taken away from them. I have a feeling that the impact may as well be physical. For me the last three years feel like I simply circled back to where I started. The job I have now is roughly the same as the one I left before. The people and places are the same, which is not at all a bad thing. The whole thing feels a little like being lost in the woods where you travel for hours only to find yourself back where you started. Where you started may be safe and comfortable, but you're no closer to finding your way home.

The past few years have been increasingly difficult for a lot of people for various reasons. The world economy is a much harsher place than it has been in a long time. People everywhere are being forced to make hard decisions about what they're willing to put up with simply to survive. I would imagine the hope is that eventually things will change for the better and people can stop thinking about just survival and move onto greater things. As I've mentioned before, when you're primary concern is how you're going to feed your children or how to pay for your mortgage, then little things like dreams get put on the back burner. Those dreams could stay back there so long they get forgotten. Some could say that's just how life is and maybe that's true, but if that's the case then we aren't much better off than a pride of lions, who's main concern is where the next meal is going to come from. As people our greatest strengths come from moving beyond just survival and overcoming the world around us.

Sometimes it's hard to accept the fact that things will constantly be changing around us. The things we have now may not be around forever. This could include not just material possessions, but people and situations. Everything is always in motion and with that there will come a time when everything you're near will move away from you and you from it. That doesn't mean that by moving on you'll never return. It just means that in this moment right now you're going in a different direction. Just as everything has a force, everything has a direction. You can embrace it or deflect it, why oppose it?

Fractured Snow

On Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again where we're reminded that we should be thankful for what we have and appreciate that there are those who aren't as fortunate as us. When I was younger I liked this time of year because it was this flurry of holidays and birthdays for the last part of the year. It usually meant a break from school and a chance to be without obligations for awhile. As I got older the significance of the holidays got to be less important. They quickly became just another day off of work or a chance to sleep in. Don't get me wrong, Thanksgiving was good when it was celebrated, but over the years it became very much a hit or miss type of holiday. I think part of that is because the time surrounding Thanksgiving has been filled with great changes.

It was the day after Thanksgiving eleven years ago that I moved to my current state. At the time I thought I was leaving very little, but once I arrived here I immediately realized that something didn't feel quite right. Turns out there were people I left behind that I cared about and it was only after I left that I realized their significance to me. Fast forward ten years and last Thanksgiving marked the last time I would ever see them. So instead of a physical change, it was an emotional one. For me that's really solidifies what Thanksgiving is all about though. It's a chance to see what's really important to us because things can change quickly. For many people the years can blend into each other with very little change. Thanksgiving, or really any day, may seem no different than the previous year's counterpart. There are those days though where in the span of a year there have been massive changes. Sometimes these are for the good and sometimes they can be for the worse, or at least seem like the worst. As that Zen master would say "We'll see".

Most of the Thanksgivings I've celebrated as an adult also serve as a reminder how nomadic my holiday seasons tend to be. As a kid it was just assumed that Thanksgiving dinner would be spent with family. Occasionally there would be a guest or we'd possibly go to someone's house, but for the most part it was just the four of us. Starting with college I spent my Thanksgivings with an array of different people, some of whom I've only seen that one time. I've never been in a position to host a Thanksgiving and to be honest it never occurred to me to even attempt it. So instead over the years there would be various invitations to family gatherings. Some years there would be nothing and I'd spend the holiday alone, enjoying the fact that for an entire Thursday I could do whatever I wanted. Every so often I would get down about the fact that on those occasions I had no one to spend the day with.

In the end though it's just a day. It's good to have a day filled with food and family, but it doesn't have to be a government sanctioned day in November. The obvious thing to say is that we should always be thankful for what we have, but it's easy to take things for granted because we assume that it will be there when we want it. As I mentioned things can change quickly between the years and it's usually when you stop appreciating something that you lose it. It's always easier to see the things we don't have or the things we don't like. The negatives in our lives have a strange way of eclipsing the positives if we let them. Now I'm not saying don't pay attention to those things in your life that aren't what you want. Dwelling on them may not actually do anything for the situation, other than make sure you're focused on the wrong things. This isn't some rant about the power of positive thinking either. You can think all the happy thoughts you like, but if you never follow it up with positive action then it's just as effective as sprinkling fairy dust on a broken leg. I think part of the whole process of giving thanks is to identify the things in our lives that are positive and hopefully take what's good and spread it throughout the other areas that could use a little bit of help. Life will never be perfect and even if it was, I think there would be the fear that eventually it would abruptly end, which would negate its perfection. Knowing that we have to try and remember to be thankful for the things in our life that may not be perfect, but get pretty close on occasion and in this world that's pretty damn good.

The Final Fall

On Villains

Villains are a tricky lot. A lot of times in writing the villain is around to just serve as an obstacle that the protagonist is meant to overcome. They are put in place to create conflict for dramatic tension. The story may have less of an impact if there wasn't someone working against the hero. In our every day lives we tend to not have villains. Sure it may feel like there are people who are actively working against us, but more often than not, it's just someone going about their life and their method happens to conflict with ours. So the conflict in our life comes from other sources, usually in the form of situations that are possibly beyond our control. While stories about those types of situations are compelling, adding a antagonistic human element to the mix can make things even more interesting. I've talked about how perception shapes what is constituted as evil. For the most part we believe what we're doing is right and if not right, at least acceptable to us for whatever reasons we come up with. We could easily become the villain in someone's story and not even know it.

Sherlock Holmes was written as a brilliant, but flawed detective that always figured out what or who was behind the mystery at hand. This type of character is very interesting to read at first, but like with many characters they begin to take on an almost superhuman ability to overcome everything put in front of them. If the hero always wins then it's hard to create tension because the audience knows the hero will win somehow. The same thing has been a problem for Superman in the comics. His abilities have made him god-like and if he can do anything then how do you create a situation that would seem even remotely threatening? With Sherlock Holmes it was decided to end his adventures by going up against essentially an evil version of himself. Professor Moriarty appears in The Final Problem and is revealed to be the mastermind behind several of the cases that Holmes had taken on. Up until that point each of the mysteries could be taken as independent of each other and having no real connection. With the creation of Moriarty it was shown that many of the problems Holmes solved were originally part of a larger issue constructed by Moriarty. Many people now consider Professor Moriarty to be the archenemy of Sherlock Holmes, even though he only appears in two stories and is briefly mentioned in a few others.

That leads to some of the problems that come with villains. The first is too much exposure. In the story Red Dragon there is a brief appearance by a character named Hannibal Lecter. He wasn't the focus of the story and was really used as a way to help the main character track down the real villain, The Tooth Fairy. Hannibal has always seemed to be just another spin on the Moriarty-type villain. Brilliant, but twisted in a way that makes them fascinating. Because Hannibal worked so well in the first novel, he was used in very much the same in the second one, which most people know, Silence of the Lambs. His role is almost exactly the same as it was in Red Dragon, except it's expanded a bit. Then it was taken too far. Harris wrote a third novel which focused entirely on Hannibal and sucked away all the mystery surrounding the character. In order to cash in before it was too late, even a prequel was made to further explain what made Hannibal into the man we knew him to be. It's a fine line with villains. You want them to be more than a one note act, but you can't go too far in the other direction and explain too much because the villain can lose his impact.

As I mentioned, we often don't have full on villains in our lives. Instead we just have people doing their thing. Now in war we have an enemy. We may know who our enemy is, but we may not really know who our enemy is. In World War II America knew that Germany was causing serious problems in Europe, but that was Europe's problem. When the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor the war came home. Japan, and Germany because they were allies, became our enemy. I'm guessing most soldiers didn't know a lot about the Japanese or German people and probably didn't want to know about them. There were no longer people. They were the enemy. The enemy becomes this almost faceless idea that must be fought against, not related to. It's only when soldiers on both sides came face to face with each other did they realize that the enemy is just another person. Knowing that may not change the outcome or desire to win, but it stops being an abstract at that point. With a villain the same thing is true. They start off as this idea. They are the negative counterpoint in the conflict, but only because we've been introduced to the hero as the hero. In theory the story could be told from a different vantage point in such a way that the hero is the antagonist. It's not easy to do because villains tend to do villainous things that many people couldn't relate to. Superman stands for truth, justice, and the American way (whatever that is). Lex Luthor stands pretty much for himself. His belief is that mankind will never achieve greatness with someone like Superman standing watch. Maybe he's right, but the part that he's not telling most people is that he himself wants to be the one that leads mankind into greatness.

There have been books and movies that follow something of an anti-hero through an adventure. This could be a reluctant hero or even a straight up villain himself. The tendency is to set them up against something worse. Riddick goes up against space monsters. Danny Ocean steals from the ruthless Benedict. So we end up rooting for them because given the situation, they are the hero and what they're up against is the villain. In most other circumstances you wouldn't want to run up against those types of "heroes". Predator hunts humans and takes their skulls as trophies. It seems a bit cruel because humans are clearly outmatched in nearly every way. Predators are larger, faster, stronger, and more technologically advanced than humans and it almost seems unsporting for them to be hunting people. If deer could make movies then humans would be the horrifying creature that not only kills, but skins its victims and mounts pieces of them as trophies.

Speaking of which, monsters are easy villains because you don't have to explain their motivations. The reason they do what they do is hidden behind the fact that they're monstrous. As I've mentioned, not all monsters need to be literal monsters. More often than not the monster is just a person. In the movie Se7en Somerset warned Mills that labeling John Doe as crazy was comfortable. John Doe was twisted, but he believed what he was doing was righteous. In his mind the victims were the villains of society and needed to be punished as a warning to everyone else like them. In the end though that's all the explanation we need from him. Anything more would have watered down the character. We understood that he is just a person who has taken extreme measures to create a world that he believes is correct. In the grand scheme of things his crimes were an isolated event that impacted only those in his immediate area.

That leads to the other problem with villains. In addition to being overexposed, they can often be given far too much credit. Moriarty is a prime example. He went from being a brilliant criminal mastermind to someone that was involved in nearly everything Holmes went up against. Villains suffer from the same problem that heroes do. While Superman has an array of powers that make it difficult to create situations where anyone can truly be worried about the outcome, villains too have to constantly increase their threat level to make sure they're still relevant. In the early Spider-Man comics there was a somewhat goofy character named the Green Goblin. At first he was just another throw away bad guy meant to be flashy and colorful. Then he started to be a mastermind leading several criminal gangs and became more of a threat. It was revealed that the Green Goblin was actually the father to Peter Parker's best friend Harry. This really created conflict because even if the hero won, he would still lose. Eventually the Green Goblin kidnapped and killed Peter's girlfriend, Gwen Stacy. This lead to a final fight between Spider-Man and Green Goblin that resulted in the Goblin being impaled by his own glider. That should have been it. A great villain had a lasting impact on Spider-Man from that point on. Twenty years later the Green Goblin not only returns from the dead, but reveals that he has been responsible for manipulating things from behind the scenes. The Green Goblin, and more directly, Norman Osborn became an arch-nemesis to Spider-Man in a way that no other character had done before. It wasn't enough to simply have him be an especially smart and threatening villain, it was decided that he would be responsible for so many of the problems plaguing Spider-Man. Sounds a bit like the Moriarty-Effect at work here.

Villains can be very interesting because they not only represent conflict personified, but can show the flip side of humanity. An effective villain doesn't have to be one that we identify with or even fully understand. They only need to have fully realized motivations for what they do in order to make them believable. By doing that the villain becomes a very real threat.

On Failure

Did you know that at this very moment something in your life has started it's journey towards eventual failure? This could be some mechanical part in your car or computer. It could be an internal organ that for whatever reason, has begun breaking down in such a way that after time it will eventually fail. We would like to imagine that the time in which this failure is going to happen is set for some far off future. It never occurs to us that is has any connection with the day that's already started. There is an idea about the Law of Entropy, which states that order will always eventually move towards disorder. Or said another way, given enough time, all things will break down. It may be considered a somewhat cynical way to view the world, however, there may be some truth to that idea. If you've ever experience something breaking on you then it can feel as though everything is simply holding on as long as possible until it can no longer sustain order and fails.

The thing is life is made up of failure. It's necessary for success. As I've mentioned before, there are mistakes that have to be made so that you learn a lesson from it. Without failure, we would have no basis for what will work and what will go horribly wrong. Unfortunately the lesson learned from either our failure or the failure of someone else doesn't make it any less painful. There are people out there who seem to go through life doing everything right, or so it would seem. To the outside observer it appears as though they simply don't make mistakes or fail in any way. It's very unlikely that anyone will go too long before failing at something. Those who don't are postponing the inevitable. I went white water rafting once. The river guide joked that everyone in the boat should get into the water at some point because everyone would find their way into water before the day was done. I didn't take him seriously and while others were bucked out of the boat or voluntarily jumped in, I stayed in the boat. Just before the end of our trip down the river there was a section of the river which was more treacherous than anything we had gone through before. The river guide told us to do everything possible to stay in the boat because you didn't want to fall out in this section. Sure enough the first several hits pitched me right out of the boat. Now one could look at that and say that regardless of if I got out of the boat before, I was going to fall in at that moment. Another way to look at it is that I put off getting in the river up until that point and in a way tempted fate to shove me overboard. What could have happened was that both mentally and physically I was focused on not falling out of the boat and in turn created a situation where there was no other option but to fall in. Then again it could have just been the rock we slammed up against that tossed me over the side.

The fear of failure is a powerful force. It can stop people more effectively than a physical wall. I've read that fear of public speaking rivals the fear of death for the number one fear people tend to have. In the end it comes down to people being afraid of failing in front of a group of people, which will lead to judgements from those same people. Failure isn't fun, but it doesn't always have to be a bad thing either. Thomas Edison went through nearly 10,000 experiments before finally perfecting the electric light bulb. Up until then he had 9999 ways to not have the perfect electric light bulb. From each of those failures he learned something and took that knowledge forward with him. For some though that initial failure has such a negative impact for whatever reason that going through it again is too much. It reminds me of people who won't ask someone out because they're afraid of being rejected, which will mean they have failed. In the past they could have tried and it didn't work and the feeling that came from it not working was not something they wanted to relive. While I understand not wanting to experience the pain of failure or in this case rejection, the greater problem is that never chancing failure means that you'll have no chance at success.

Going back to my original point, given enough time all things have the potential to fail. It's just the nature of things. Nothing lasts forever and even with maintenance there will come a time when something stops working as intended. It usually feels like this comes at the worst possible time. You car never stops working at some time that's convenient. It's more likely you find out there is a problem as you're trying to go to work in a hurry. In those situations one has to wonder why there weren't warning signs that could be seen. Instead it goes from fully functional to completely broken in the blink of an eye. I wonder if that's just how we see things. As I mentioned, the road to ruin has started today, we just don't know it. Catastrophic failure is categorized a sudden and total failure of some system from which recovery is not possible. I have a feeling that in most cases it only seems sudden. The failure was building quietly without anyone's knowledge. Well hopefully without their knowledge. With the space shuttle Challenger it was revealed afterwards that several people knew something was potentially wrong. When it left the tower there was a sigh of relief because the the thought was if the problem was really as bad as they feared, then it would explode before it left the ground. In the end it was an O-ring to a rocket booster that ultimately failed, which caused the entire craft to be destroyed.

We've all head that phrase "Failure is not an option." It's kind of ridiculous to say something like that. Obviously most undertakings aren't done with failure as the final goal. Failure should be expected. Failure is an eventuality given enough time. Failure should be avoided if possible and if not, then learned from in such a way that the next failure doesn't hurt as much. Our failures are what propel us closer towards our successes.

Word Fail Me

I need a word that describes how mustard seems to be drawn to white clothing with a force greater than just gravity.

On Concentration

It feels like lately that my concentration has been nearly non-existent. I'm not really sure when it started, but for awhile now I've had a really hard time keeping to a single task or even thought. Instead I find my mind wandering off without warning. Now I've always been a bit of a day dreamer. Ever since I was a child I would go off into my head at various times. I think part of that was spending nearly my first ten years as an only child in a somewhat rural neighborhood. I wouldn't say I was isolated, but there was certainly a feeling of isolation at times. In that it became necessary to create your own fun. When some people are bored they let themselves get into trouble and I'm sure my parents would say that I was no different from other children, where if I was left to my own devices for too long, would eventually find something I wasn't supposed to be doing. Even still, I tended to entertain myself by using my imagination. Don't get me wrong, I loved television and games and toys. There were times though where there was no one to play with and nowhere to go so unless you wanted to sit in the dark and go slowly insane, you found something to occupy yourself. So it became second nature to go inside my head when the world got boring.

I never went to pre-school so kindergarten was a totally new experience to me. Up until then I stayed home with my mom and my interactions with other kids, or even other forms of authority were very limited. During my year in kindergarten I spent a lot of time in trouble. Part of that was because I hopelessly bored with the structure of school. If you can remember kindergarten, then you know that the term structure is used very loosely. Now I won't go so far as to say that I'm a genius or anything, but my mom spent a lot of time preparing me for school without my knowledge. The alphabet, numbers, colors, and all the little things are covered in kindergarten were old news to me by the time I actually went to school. So that meant while they were going over what comes after S, I was at my desk thinking of something fun in my head. Being a five year old I had very little self control, which isn't all that different from how I am now. Eventually I figured out how to keep having fun, but do it in such a way that I took fewer trips to the principal's office. At some point I was tested and put into an additional class called Gifted & Talented. While most of the other kids were doing reading comprehension or whatever, I went to the annex building where a small group of children had separate study. At first this was great because we covered all sorts of things that would have never been taught in regular class. Eventually though I became bored with it and returned to normal classes. Still for a time it was a great mental playground for me.

As an adult things have changed a lot and yet somehow stayed the same. When I'm bored I sink into my head as a form of escape from the mundane. I think that's why I like movies and books so much. They create a world where just about anything is possible. Someone out there also has a wild imagination and the ability to share it with others. Lately though even movies and books are having trouble holding my attention for too long. I wonder if part of that has been contributed by how our society is slowly moving towards information overload. When I was young I did one thing at a time. If you were watching television then that's what you were doing. You may listen to music while reading or playing, but for the most part life was mostly single threaded. These days we tend to take on multiple things at once. How many people turn the television on, do homework, surf the web, talk on the phone, or do various chores around the house. We no longer do just one thing. We try to do everything. Before if you focused on a single task then you knew other things had to wait in line. By doing that we could devote ourselves to that one thing. Now as we try to do several things at once we split our focus among a bunch of different tasks and ultimately commit to nothing. Add to that it's almost becoming expected that everyone move to this way of thinking. The world is moving so fast that unless you're covering five different things at once, you're going to get left behind. The problem that comes from that is when we're forced to revert back to a single task our minds want to keep going in several different directions at once.

So these days I find my mind wandering. It's not normally to anything specific, but rather just some random thought. This happens all the time now. In fact it just happened as I was writing this. For a minute or two I wasn't here. I couldn't even tell you where I went or what I was thinking about. I just know that I wasn't on point for a moment. Part of me wonders if a lack of concentration comes from something not being fulfilled. Or maybe there are unresolved issues that the brain is trying to work on. It could just be that boredom has set in and in an attempt to fight off sleeping, the mind randomly grabs some thought or memory and runs with it for a little while. Most of the time I'm not really satisfied with right now. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do next or what I've already done. Then the present is gone and the realization that it was used to think about some other time than right now sinks in, which just perpetuates the cycle further. So if you're talking to me and it looks like I might be drifting off, don't take it personal, my mind is doing its own thing and hasn't informed me about where we're going next.

Friendly Nightshade

On Vacation

It's been said that no matter where you go, there you are. The statement is almost too obvious, but it's true. It doesn't really matter your physical location, the thing that doesn't change is you. Well that's partially true anyway. Sure you're still technically you, but you're a version of yourself that's away from the normal every day. In some cases people try to use vacations as a way to break free of themselves. Vegas turned the whole idea into an ad campaign. You can do whatever you want while you're there because once you leave, no one will talk about it. It's a great idea in theory, however, real life is always there, waiting for us to return.

What people do on vacation can tell a lot about them as a person. It's not some deep psychological indicator or anything. It just helps reveal what people are looking for or potentially trying to get away from. Now granted there are a lot of times where you have to compromise our vacations to various factors. If you have a partner, you have to consider what they want to do. How much time you have to play with is another thing that could limit the options. And of course there's everyone's favorite reason to compromise, which is money. In most cases money is a huge object and can be the determining factor in what we end up doing with our free time. If we had unlimited resources it's very possible that we would never come back from vacation.

Speaking of free time, it's really the crux of vacation if you think about it. As an adult we all have obligations. These could be work, school, family, and even hobbies. The day starts out potentially long, but quickly gets dwindled down to a point where you feel like you only have a few minutes to stand in the shower and just relax without obligation. Life can feel like a series of appointments and events, which only serve to chew through our precious time. Then we're left with a feeling like we've had something taken from us. And in a sense we have. Time is something we have a finite amount of and once it's used up, there's no going back to reuse it wisely. We've all fallen into the routine of working towards the moment when we can take a break. Now if you're fortunate enough to really love what you're doing, then the time doesn't seem wasted at all. In fact it's exactly how you want to be spending your days. Even if you love what you do, there comes a point for all of us when there is simply a need for a break. Without them things become stagnant. How we spend our time helps shape what we do when we're free of obligations. Even look at how you spend your evenings. It's very likely there is some kind of routine involved, one that you may not realize until you step back and look at the whole picture.

Sometimes the evenings aren't enough of a break and we get to a point where we need to get away from almost everything. This could include getting away from not just a location, but people as well. In fact most of my vacations have been as much about getting away from the various people in my life as they have been about going to a specific location. I think part of that is because being on vacation somewhere different allows you a chance to not have to be exactly you. I've talked about before how we put labels on nearly everything in our life. A person quickly becomes classified as something: friend, mother, sister, co-worker, husband. While we're in our every day lives it's very difficult to shake those labels. In a way we're playing a part for the world around us. Eventually though, like with any job, we need to step away from it, even if for a little while. Now you may love being a husband. You may love your children and being a parent is very rewarding. Still people need to remember who they were before that label was applied to their life. Otherwise we get lost in the roles that have been assigned to us and forget that we're just people. Going on vacation is a great way to get out from under those roles for a time. As I mentioned at the beginning, you're still you, but you're the vacation-you, where you can stop behaving like a wife or co-worker for a little while and either become someone else or just go back to being you from before.

As you can imagine when I use the term vacation, I'm referring to taking a trip away from every day life. Sometimes a vacation consists of taking the kids to Disneyland. Sure you're not at work anymore, but you're still playing the part of a parent to some degree. It's still better than not going, although I'm sure if you were to ask parents after they get home from a trip like that, they will tell you they could use a vacation from the vacation. A vacation doesn't have to be some elaborate trip to Italy where you wander the countryside for three weeks, although that would really count as a great vacation. It can be anything where you separate yourself from the normal day in and day out of life. This could be taking a drive to some secluded location and reading a book. It could be as simple as renting a hotel room up the road, just so you can have time to yourself. It can also be something as existential as going on a vacation from yourself mentally. Hopefully it will serve as not only a split from reality, but it will also reaffirm what is really important in your life.

Autumn Fire

On Ninjas

Ok let's start off right off the bat with the fact that ninjas were not cool. They were actually dicks. The ninja was actually just a thief or assassin, not some whirling dervish of terror that slipped through a hail of arrows unseen. Now granted they did use subterfuge and guile to get what they wanted, but at the time it was considered unsavory. Then again during the Revolutionary War the colonists were considered to be barbaric because they were shooting at officers. Just another matter where what is unheard of at one point eventually becomes common place after a time. Ninjas weren't as cool as movies from the 1970's made them out to be. A lot like how the life of a hired killer doesn't mean you walk through life with wind blowing through your hair while beautiful women seduce you, only to try and kill you later, all with an electronica soundtrack playing subtly in the background. Ninjas at the time were closer to mercenaries or even terrorists for hire. So when people are celebrating ninjas they're really getting excited about a group of people who killed for money, stole for money, or blew shit up for money. That's a little bit like celebrating the guy who breaks into your house to steal your television, slit your throat, and ultimately burn the place down because your neighbor has a grudge against you over that tree that's 3/4ths of the way into his yard.

So where did all this love for these raiders come from? Like most things, it probably started from a story that was mildly exaggerated in order to convince the listener that what was happening was really important. A guy dressed in black was hiding and jumped out to stab someone with a dagger and then ran away afterwards. Now I'm not saying the guy in black didn't have training or wasn't really good at his chosen profession of hurting people. There could have even been a whole group of these guys hanging around a clubhouse exchanging stories about how they stabbed someone without them knowing. The point is that a lot of the story was based on speculation. Maybe earlier someone else had been stabbed in a similar way and it was assumed that since the method was similar then they must be connected. While the two events could be connected, it's also very possible that someone realized the best way to stab someone wasn't to just walk up to them, but rather to hide and attack while they're expecting it. It makes me wonder why more attacks don't happen while someone is sitting on the toilet. Usually when you're there you're thinking about one thing and it's not if someone is going to come busting in and stab you in the face. Well maybe now it is, but that's only because I planted the seed of doubt that sitting on the toilet isn't exactly safe. So the story grew from a guy getting stabbed to a guy getting stabbed by an assassin. That became a group of assassins. That itself grew because let's face it, back there it was a time of folklore and superstition. When you think about it, today is pretty much the same, we just like to think that we're more enlightened. The legend grew and pieces were taken from reality and tweaked to suit the story being told. Kind of like how a movie based on a true story may not resemble the truth by the time the credits roll.

Speaking of movies, I have a feeling that's where a lot of our obsession started. Someone heard about the story of a guy dressed in black who stabbed a guy and decided that he would run with it. With movies it's usually about the visuals. A guy dressed in black may be practical, but not exactly interesting to look at. Being the 1970's and well Asian, there were probably some liberties taken for the sake of making things more compelling. The visual representation of a ninja was widely accepted as being their true form. Much like how Coca Cola essentially cemented the visual of Santa Claus as we know him today, even though they weren't the first to use that image. From that point on people just used that representation when they thought of ninjas. There is a slight problem with this though. If you know what a ninja looks like then it's very likely you know what to avoid. That guy in the black pajamas, yeah you should probably cross the street. Like most assassins, they try to not reveal themselves by wearing a shirt that says "Killer" on it. So I would imagine there was no real official outerwear for ninja clans (if there were such things). If the whole point was to be secretive, then you probably wouldn't know them to be ninjas as they walked past you. Much like how you couldn't tell an insurgent from a civilian until they start shooting at you. Ninjas used all kinds of disguises to get close to their target, including dressing like women and old people. It's not glamorous and flashy. It was practical. Their physical training probably wasn't all that different from their disguises. They were taught to use whatever methods achieved the best results. Think of soldiers today and their training. They are taught what is hopefully the best suited for their task. Why do a flying bird kick after flipping backwards from a wall when a straight sharp punch to the solar plexus accomplishes the same thing? I have a feeling that ninja training would be closer to Krav Maga, which only purpose is to win the fight.

Now I'm not saying ninjas didn't exist or weren't badass. It's just that most likely they were just people who happened to be good at stealing and killing. There are people in South Boston who have those same skills and society doesn't gasp with delight at the idea of them. In fact like with many things, it's the idea of something that is more appealing than the actual thing itself.

Negative

On Food

We are what we eat and yet most people probably couldn't tell you exactly what they're eating on a regular basis. Sure it may taste like chicken, but is it really chicken? Today's food is a mystery of ingredients, most of which can't be pronounced without a decoder ring. Lately there has been a big push for organic food. I think part of that is because it's trendy, but also because obesity has become the leading killer in America. That's something our founding fathers probably never would have imagined happening. People are living so well that they are literally eating themselves to death. Granted the food we put in our mouths would probably not be recognizable to people back then. Even today's white bread would most likely be thought of as cake as far as nutritional value is concerned. Our society is so specialized that many of us could go through our entire lives without ever producing our own food. We will have allowed someone else to provide us everything we eat.

There have been several well-made documentaries regarding the food and food industry today. All of them have a message that they're trying to get across so you may have to take what they're saying with a grain of salt. One examined how we as a country are eating more corn than ever before. Most people probably haven't thought about it until it's pointed out to them. Corn is in almost everything we eat today. Farmers who grow it are experiencing a strange time where the crops they grow can't be used directly as food. Try eating corn straight from the stalk. Unless it was grown specifically for eating, it's probably going to taste like sawdust. It's not until that corn is processed that it can actually be used for anything. That's how it is with most things these days. Processing because this term that gets used that summarizes all sorts of things. By the time they get done processing it, it tastes fantastic, but it may not resemble the original except on the surface. We live in a world where a private company has a patent on food itself. Monsanto has genetically altered soybeans in such a way that if farmers want to grow soy as their primary crop then they have to get their seeds from them. Part of me wonders if that's only the start. We have name brand food providers. McDonald's the probably one of the most recognizable of these. Imagine if they figured out a way to genetically alter cows in such a way that they would produce more beef. Or even flavored beef. Like Monsanto they could control the very supply at its source. It could only be a matter of time before companies start looking at ways to increase their hold on the particular market. Companies are working at owning food at its source. Will they eventually try to patent flavors?

Going back to what we eat, growing up it always seemed like the stuff that was good for you tasted the worst. It's been shown that food flavors have more intensity when we're young so it's very likely that food tastes different to children than it does to adults. Sure an apple is going to taste like an apple, but only more so for a kid, who hasn't experienced all the various flavors the world has to offer. As we get older the taste buds get used to everything and flavors get a bit more muted. That could explain why we tend to remember things tasting better when we were young. For us they probably did have more taste. Plus our tastes change as we grow. I used to despise mushrooms as a kid, but now I can't get enough of them. I couldn't tell you the precise moment when that happened, but it did. I'm sure if I think about it there are foods that I loved as a kid which I can't stomach anymore. As I've mentioned before our bodies become something new as time goes on. Every cell is eventually replaced so after a time we're literally someone new. That could account for why we lose a taste for certain things after awhile. Then again certain things will remain constant. Liver & onions can go straight to hell and I don't care if Bobby Flay were preparing them, it wouldn't be something I'd want to put in my mouth.

Now I'm not a picky eater. Most usually stance is that I want whatever will not make me hungry anymore. At the same time, there are moments where I need a flavor. I normally can't identify exactly what I want. I just know that I want something. Have you ever had a taste for something so specific that nothing else will do? I get that all the time and usually end up settling for whatever is closest to me. It's strange that as children food flavor was more intense naturally and now companies are working at intensifying food to match. Food has become much more than just sustenance. Who knows what it will become next.

Rock Slide

On Heirlooms

My grandparents were old by the time I met them. Maybe that seems like a somewhat obvious statement, but they had my father at a pretty late age so by the time he had me, the generational gap was pretty big. I've known people who got the meet their great grandparents and those who became a grandparent by the time they were forty. So with my grandparents being so much older than me when I went to visit it was a little bit like going back in time. They lived on a non-operational dairy farm, having retired long before I was born. While I was there I got to see not only how my father grew up, but also caught a glimpse of a world that was quickly fading away. Most of this came from the various pieces of the past that they still owned. Even the house they lived in had been in the family for nearly a century. It was a strange idea to me that things could last that long and be passed along to the next generation.

What makes something an heirloom? There are a few things in our lives that when we get them for the first time, we know are going to be important to us. A wedding dress. A ornament for a child's first Christmas. A piece of furniture. Some of them seem somewhat obvious when you look at them. Then there are those every day objects that we come by that just fill our lives. We can't always predict what things we gather will last through to the next generation. Nor can we foresee what that next generation will find important. When my grandmother died she left behind a house full of items. My parents spent several weeks sifting through it, trying to figure out what exactly to do with it all. Most of the stuff could probably be considered trivial to an outsider. To my father and his sister it could have greater meaning so deciding what to do with it all may have seemed a little overwhelming. For me I knew that the people and place I remembered were forever gone so if I could have even a little reminder of what was, that might be enough. Actually every day I carry around something from my grandparents' home. It was one of the few things that I thought to make sure wasn't lost. I call it A Key to a Door That Doesn't Exist. Some days I remember its significance, but most of the time it falls to the background, like so many of the things in our lives.

While growing up there are a lot of things we take for granted. It's only later that we realize those little things that we just assumed would be there were important to us. Some people don't want to look back. They don't want to remember that part of their life for various reasons. Others feel an almost indescribable need to hang onto pieces of their past. If they keep the object, they somehow keep the memory. I guess I can see it both ways. We sometimes pick strange objects to feel an attachment towards. Very recently a friend of mine sent me a collection of books that I hadn't owned in twenty years. I had considered them to be lost. Actually I had assumed that they were gone, as many things from our past tend to be. When I originally bought the books all those years ago I didn't think that they would be all the important to me. Sure I enjoyed them and collected as many of them as I could at the time. Eventually my interests changed and I gave them away to my friend, who also enjoyed them. Thankfully he took better care in keeping than I did. Now that I have them again, I can only think that it's important that I make sure they're preserved, if only for the sake of the memories they represent.

It's those links to our past that somehow become more important as we get older. We may have our own lives far removed from where we originated from. We may even have our own children and are unknowingly coming into possession of something that could be passed down for the next several generations. It's strange to me because with only a few exceptions everything I own feels somewhat disposable. Most of the stuff we own will ultimately be tossed aside at various points in our lives. There are some things we gather up that become precious. I think the item itself is only a representation of the memory behind it. That's not to say that the object is unimportant, but it's really the past that has value to us.

Leaf Row

On Other People

Let me preface this entire thing with one basic fact: I am an asshole. I know it. You know it. I don't feel bad about it. A scorpion doesn't feel bad about who he is because it's just his nature to sting things. Now I'm not as dickish as a scorpion, but you get the idea.

In our lifetime we will meet a lot of people. Some of those people will stay with us. Some of those will actually be considered friends. In more cases though they're just people in your general orbit and you in theirs. These could be people you work with or even family members you're not particularly close to (think in-laws). They are part of your life's landscape, regardless of if you want them there or not. Now I've already talked about the various friends we have or even the loves we could potentially have. What about the other people? There are those who you feel somewhat ambivalent about and others you've found you just don't get along with. A person is really a collection of thoughts and experiences that they use to move through life. Each person is different, even if there is an overlap in experiences with someone else. So everyone is going to approach the world a little differently. With that comes eventual conflicting ideas on how things should go.

Have you ever met someone you just didn't like? If you're more than three years old then most likely the answer is yes. What is it about that person that you disliked? Sometimes it's hard to quantify why you don't like someone. On the other hand sometimes it's very easy because they seem to embody the very antithesis of everything you believe. Everything they say comes out like nails on a chalkboard. Their thought process is an asinine collection of ideas, all of which only help cement the fact that they should have been eaten at birth to save the world from their stupidity. The thing is that somewhere someone may think the same thing about you. It's a strange idea because in our own minds we always make sense. Sure there are times when we know we're wrong or behaving stupidly, but for the most part we're used to it. Our friends and family are also accustomed to our behavior, even if they don't always like it. So if that's the case with ourselves then it must also be true for the bitch at the office who drives you crazy. To her you're the one who is wrong or unreasonable. She probably has friends and family of her own who love her and think she's a great person. It's just that when the two of you get too close to each other it's like two magnets being forced apart.

I wonder if it's possible that there is more at work than just a personality clash. Sure you can have two people who just don't see eye to eye because of differing religious, political, or idealistic views. In those cases it's just a matter of pre-existing thoughts and ideas that make it next to impossible to agree. Hopefully in those situations there is enough respect on both sides to simply agree to disagree. There are those people out there though who feel compelled to make it so that you not only see their point of view, but agree with it. Those kind of people remind me of old school Christians who thought it was their duty to bring the word of God to the savages, even if those savages survived for thousands of years before hearing the name Jesus. In some cases that need to bring everyone on board to the same way of thinking was done with force. I wonder if part of it is based on insecurity. Having everyone agree with your idea helps validate what you're thinking and without it there's a lingering question that maybe, just maybe not everything you think is automatically the truth.

Just as there are allergies to various foods and medications, I wonder if there are allergies to certain types of people. We've all heard of a person who is toxic. They bring everyone around them down. Those kinds of people are obviously bad and act like a blight to the world. What I'm talking about is a bit more subtle. Maybe it's not even the person so much as it is the idea they're representing. As I've mentioned before, thoughts are a pretty powerful thing. Maybe more powerful than we realize. Those thoughts could be floating around and bumping into things. When they touch you there is an immediate reaction where your own mind recoils from it. Then again maybe it's more of a physical reaction to the actual person. There are those people in your life that feel like home, for lack of a better word. Something about them just feels right and you fit together like you were meant to be connected all along. If that's possible then the opposite must also be capable of happening. In that sense then our reaction would be beyond our control. We run into a person that we're "allergic" to then there is no hope of getting along with them. We weren't meant to be close to them and forcing it only makes things worse. It's something to think about the next time you run into that annoying blowhard that just won't stop talking. There could be more at work than just the fact that they're not your type of person.