If you know me then it's very likely you've heard this story before. At the end of high school we took a trip to a fairly remote spot, which is saying a lot considering we already lived in a rural area. We were surrounded by mountains and rivers and the nearest town was a distance memory during the three hour ride up. There wasn't a lot to do so a few of us got the idea that we would hike to the top of the nearest peak, just to see what it was like. The hike was fairly easy, with the worst part being the permafrost. If you've never walked on it before, it's like stepping on a sponge. Normally this would be fine, but when you're walking up hill it tends to tire you out very quickly. Added to that there were pockets that were still wet. We were slowly making our way up we didn't really notice the clouds had moved in. This was May so the worst we expected was a spring shower, not realizing where we were was used to this kind of "unseasonal" weather. As we reached the top of the hill the first snowflakes started to fall. As much as we wanted to enjoy our conquest of the hill (we called it a mountain as we stood on top of it), the idea of walking back down in the snow wasn't something any of us felt like dealing with. So we started to make our way back down. At the top of the hill we could see the lodge and parking lot so we had a general idea that if we traveled in a straight line back down we'd end up where we started. Somewhere on the way back down someone had the idea that we shift slightly left to avoid all the mushy ground we had on the way up. Everyone was more than willing to go along with this idea as the snow was starting to pick up.
It's hard for me to remember exactly when it happened, but we started to notice that things weren't looking the same on the way down. Granted we had moved over a little bit, but that just meant things on our right would be in a slightly different location. They weren't. Nothing was familiar. We knew this, but we kept walking, thinking maybe after that next batch of trees we'd see something we recognized. I should mention it took almost an hour to get to the top, longer than most of us had planned. At the bottom it was nice and warm out. Well warm for us anyway so several of us had on nothing more than a light jacket or a long sleeve shirt. With the descent we had been outside for close to two hours in dropping temperatures. At this point I think we started to realize that we didn't know where we were. At least we weren't where we were supposed to be. I remember thinking at the time two conflicting thoughts. The first being that everything is fine. We're just a little out of position, but pretty much right next to our original path. The other thought was that we were lost and potentially in serious trouble if we didn't figure out where to go.
We kept walking downhill, which was the only direction we knew was mostly correct. Finally we came out of the woods and found a service road. Most people would be excited by this because a road meant civilization was close. Up there service roads could go twenty miles before you hit something and that something could just be where they store the machines to make the service road. And we now had a new problem, which direction on the road do we go? Nothing looked familiar. We could no longer see the peak we were on and even if we could we didn't have the strength to go back up and start again, at least not as a party. Myself and a friend considered scrambling up the nearest ridge, just to see if we could see anything. In our minds we thought it would be quick and easy. Thankfully we were talked out of that idea and we all just randomly picked a direction and started walking down the road. We walked for about fifteen minutes before we decided it didn't feel right. We had hoped if we walked a little ways something would indicate we were going in the right direction. Nothing had presented itself so we turned around. As we were trudging back in the opposite direction those two thoughts became voices in my head. "Everything is fine. It's going to suck, but you'll find your way out of this". The other was whispering to me that people got lost all the time. I imagined they must have been like me, not really believing it had happened or that it could happen. Maybe that bit of denial is good because it keeps you from just giving up. At the same time it's probably what gets people even more lost because they won't accept their situation as a serious one until it's too late.
As we were walking we heard the sound of a truck. Since we had been gone for over two hours at this point people had gotten worried when the weather had changed. The grounds keeper had gone out looking for us. As he drove us back he said it was a good thing we were on that road because otherwise he could have driven past us and never seen a thing. He also told us that we were going in the wrong direction on a road that kept on going for over twenty miles.
I remember being relieved to have been found, but thinking about all the little choices that caused us to be lost in the first place. I also thought about the choices we almost made and what could have happened. If my friend and I had gone up that ridge we may have never found our way back out again. The truck could have come and gone without us. In the end we saw a map of the area and essentially what our route must have looked like. Instead of traveling in a straight line back down we drifted nearly 90 degrees around the base of the hill and when we reached bottom we were headed away from everything.
Ever since thing I've had this fascination with getting lost. I would drive up to a mountain in Arizona and intentionally get myself lost. It was just so I could find my way again. It was a relatively safe experiment because there was a well-used road, power lines, and really only one direction you needed to go to find your way again. Still a part of me wanted to know that I could make it out of unfamiliar surroundings. Gus Van Sant made a movie a few years back called Gerry, which is about two guys who go hiking in the desert and due to one wrong turn become hopelessly lost. The entire movie is just about them trying to find their way back again. Having been in that situation I can really relate to it. There is a scene where you can tell they don't really believe they are in any trouble. They'll find the car tomorrow. Then later when they know they're lost. Watching that movie makes me remember that feeling of almost sheer panic as you know your life may be in danger.
The thing is that you don't need to be in a forest to get lost anymore. I know several people who feel they're lost in life. Somewhere along the way they took a wrong turn and everything around them feels strange. How do you find your way back from that when you can't even see your starting point anymore?
When I was young, like most people, I had a sort of destination in mind. Not an actual location, but more of an idea of what my life was supposed to be like when I became a "grown-up". I wasn't exactly sure how to achieve that goal, but I figured I would find my way there eventually if I just took the route that was in front of me. Sometimes I feel a little bit like George Bailey in that I'm always looking for this ideal life, which is never the one I have, not noticing that what I have is pretty good. I often asked people I know from my past what they're doing. It could be what they do for work or what they do for fun. I just want to know because it feels like my life went off the rails at some point and maybe if I can get an idea of what other people are doing the maybe, just maybe I'd at least get a direction to head in.
The thing is that my life isn't off the rails. It's just not what I had set out to have all those years ago. And that's not a bad thing. The only bad thing is chasing after something that may not be for me. I believe people everywhere must do this. They have an idea in their head that this is what they want, but it's what they wanted and never allowed themselves to see anything else. Like George Bailey they don't see the good around them. In some cases they won't see it until it's gone. With all that said, I still wouldn't mind something of a sign that let me know I was headed in the right direction because like most people I'm living life without a user's manual.
