I go through these phases where I feel clumsy. Not just physically clumsy, but also like I'm barely able to get the right words out. I've talked about feeling a step out of sync with things before, but this is a little bit different. This feels as though at any moment I'll crash into something. When I'm driving I feel like at any moment I'll be caught looking the wrong way and turn to see a train headed right for me, even if I'm not near any train tracks. Overall it feels like I should just keep my head down and wait for whatever this is to pass. The only problem is that you can't just hide away and hope it goes away because you have to keep on living your life, even if people around you seem to be looking at you as though something is hanging from your nose.
The thing is that maybe when this clumsiness cloud has centered on you, other people can sense it. It could be like walking into a familiar room and knowing something is out of place. Something about you is out of place and people notice it, even if only subconsciously. Then again maybe part of the problem is that everything you see is off kilter so people are looking at you normally and instead you see them as staring back at you like some sort of alien doofus that's going to break something. Maybe it's a bit of both. I've considered the somewhat cosmic scenario where these situations are just a manifestation of us being in the wrong place at the wrong time in our own lives. We feel clumsy or out of sorts because we're not where we should be and until we get back into place we feel as though we're smashing through life. While that could be true, I sometimes wonder if maybe it's also something physical and mental.
We've all had times where we feel like we're on fire (in the good way). Everything is going our way. Maybe we find ourselves a little more quick witted than usual. Maybe we feel especially lucky for a certain period of time. What if during those moments, no matter how long they last, everything inside of us is operating exactly how it should be. It might not be perfection, but it's about as close as you can get while still being a mortal. Nothing lasts forever and we eventually go back to "normal" where there are good times and bad times, hopefully either equaling out or balancing more towards the good. If those times of near perfection where we just feel like we're spot on are possible because of something internal then it would stand to reason that sometimes things aren't working perfectly. Now the opposite of perfection is total disaster and while I don't think that's always what's at work, I do think maybe it's some minor monkey wrench within us that's throwing everything off. This whatever-it-is is enough to make it so that words don't come out right or we constantly think we're going to bump into something.
So I suppose the question really isn't just what do we do to fix this when it happens, but also how do we prevent it from happening again? One could argue that the internal is directly related to the external, meaning that our environment is as much a contributor to what happens inside of us and what is inside of us also shapes what surrounds us. If one aspect isn't right then does that mean it throws off the whole picture? Plus there is so much of our lives and ourselves that we simply can't control so it can sometimes feel like we're at the mercy of randomness. That of course bring up the whole notion of if there is truly random events in the world or just parts of some greater series of events that we can't always see. Maybe if you could see your lifeline on a map, showing exactly where you were headed and where you were supposed to be going, you could make out the time when you are wobbling out of control and deviating from what should be your path. Those minor deviations could be those times when you feel like a bull in a china shop, crashing into life around.
