A long time ago I made a choice that rather than be someone who lives to work, I would be someone who works to live. I've always put my life before my career, or lack of it, because I figured what's the point of being someone who dreads going to work? Sure we all need money because somewhere along the way that's how our society decided to keep people in check. Go to work, earn a wage, pay for things you don't always need but have just the same. We've been told it's how you get the American Dream. Still I wonder though if it's not another variation on indentured servitude. It's true we get paid, but how many people do you know are essentially forced to work for a specific wage because otherwise they can't support themselves? I know people who make six figure salaries, but they can't afford to have an apartment on their own. They simply don't have the cash every month. Now there are extenuating circumstances, but really if you think about it, life is all about extenuating circumstances. There is this fear that if you were to stop working then you'd lose everything. I'm not saying the fear is baseless because it's usually grounded in truth. Still having just come off of nearly three years of not working, I found that maybe there is more to life than just the next paycheck.
Looking back at all the jobs I've had there is a pretty common theme. I did them either because I liked them or because they were simply a means to get something I wanted. Maybe that's true for everyone. With one notable exception my resume is filled with these fleeting positions. A few months here. Maybe half a year there. When I first graduated college I thought it was probably natural to have a resume like that. I was a teacher's aide for almost two years an after that I worked at some semiconductor manufacturer for two months, even though I knew next to nothing about semiconductors, except that they were inside computers. Then I worked as an intern at credit card company for another two months. The only reason I left the semiconductor place was because the internship was offering more money. I didn't care about either place as far as work was concerned. Both were just a way to get something on my resume so it didn't look like my only work experience was video store clerk and teacher's aide. When I graduated I was one of the last people in my class to find a job. It wasn't because I couldn't be placed. It was because I didn't want to settle for just anything. I wanted something that I could stay interested in. Turns out those places weren't hiring and I did end up settling for a company that several of my classmates had gone to. The reason I chose that place was because it paid the most and was right across the street from my new apartment. In retrospect it might not have been the best decision because eight months later I was laid off along with about three hundred other people.
There I was back in the same position, looking for work in a field I wasn't all that excited about. For four months I tried to find work, along with a few thousand other IT people who also had been laid off when the Internet bubble burst. At one point in my search I found some small company that was seriously exploiting their workers. I worked there for about two days before I stopped going in. I didn't give notice. I just stopped going in. I know a lot of people in that situation who would have stuck it out because there were no other options. Eventually I found work that was in my field and paying what I needed. Turns out by the time I found it I was already tired of the city I was living in. After about four months at this new job I was told by a friend about a position open in another state. Technically the position was a bit of a backwards step for me, however, it would get me out of town and hopefully onto better things.
The job was great. I was making more money than I had ever made before and the people were fantastic. I didn't mind the fact that I had strayed off from what I had gone to college for, I was doing something I enjoyed. Problem is that nothing lasts forever. What was once enjoyable had become monotonous. Somehow I had gone from comfortable to complacent. Without me even realizing eight years had gone by and I had very little to show for it. My title had changed and I had gotten several raises over the years, but I could work there another eight years with little or no change. The whole reason I chose that place was because it was agreeable and a little bit easy. Rather than think about my career, I focused more on my life and because of that my career came to a screeching halt.
Partly because of my job and partly because I wasn't near certain people, I decided it had to be time to make a change. I figured by going back to school I had a great reason to leave my job and be near the people I cared about. It was my attempt at using my career to better my life. Unfortunately for me things didn't quite work out the way I had hoped. Like anyone who has moved because of someone else, I found that my choices were directly tied to someone else's choices, even if that person didn't ask for the responsibility. Combined with the fact that even though it was ten years later, I was looking for a job in another recession. As I mentioned I spent most of the last three years not working. Some of that was due to being a full time student. Still it was the longest I had ever gone without working since I was sixteen. Now that I'm working again I find my career back where it was ten years ago and I have to question if it was worth it or not. Should I have focused on my career a little more?
Part of the problem for me has always been I've never known what I want to do as far as a career is concerned. It was always this vague idea of doing something interesting and meaningful. Trying doing a job search for that and see what results you get back. All the way through high school I had no idea what I was going to do when I graduated. I knew that I would be going to college, but for what I had no idea. I had liked computers for as long as I had been using them and because I knew enough about them to be somewhat dangerous, I decided to pursue them into an actual career. It just happened to be what I was interested in at the time. Or at least the most interested in. I've never been one of those people who inherently know what they want to do with their lives. Sometimes it feels like all these other people were given this secret manual on life, but my copy was lost in the mail. So I've been left to grasp blindly for a career like someone searching for their glasses. You know it's close, but you just can't see it.
Sometimes you don't have a choice in the job you do. I've found out several times in my life you often have to do whatever is necessary to support yourself. It's what a responsible adult is expected to do. And I've been fairly fortunate that I haven't had to degrade myself in ways that some people are forced to. Still I wonder how many people out there just assume that being miserable at your job is to be expected. To me that seems like such a sad way to go through life. Americans are experiencing a higher rate of stress and obesity than ever before. I have to believe that a lot of that is tied to our jobs. If you're being mentally crushed at work then eventually your body will suffer. Even knowing that people continue on because we feel like we have no choice and maybe we don't. I just think about what Bernstein said "Well, it's no trick to make a lot of money... if what you want to do is make a lot of money."
So here I am, back where I started. The only thing that's changed is that I've gotten older. It feels a little bit like the Pink Floyd saying "Ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run. You missed the starting gun." I had a good start in the rat race, but it turns out I didn't know what the destination was and have been going the wrong direction this whole time. Like most people, I'm wishing I had a do-over.
