On the Downward Spiral

I don't know how many people wake up in the morning thinking that today could be the end.  I doubt someone gets out of bed and wonders am I going to be murdered by a random act of senseless violence?  Is my mundane trip to the grocery store going to end my life?  It feels like today there are so many external threats to our safety, even though if you look at the statistics, it's technically safer now than it's ever been.  Somehow I can't shake the ever-present feeling that I shouldn't get too comfortable and should always be prepared for something horrible to happen.  It's not because my life has a history of terrible incidents.  I doubt someone who finds themselves in the middle of a mass shooting or forest fire could have seen it coming because they just faced that same kind of problem last year.  I try to not give into fear mongering, however, I can't help but wonder how is my story going to end.  I'm old enough now that death is not some vague thing that could possibly happen at some distant time, but instead it could be literally around the corner.  This of course starts the runaway train of thoughts that has me wondering will I be ready when it happens?  What will happen to my family?  Granted when it does happen, I'll be dead so most of my Earthly concerns will no longer be anything I have to worry about.  The thing is, I'm still alive, so I'm still worried about what the consequences of my death will be on the world around me.

The whole thing got me thinking about not just my own end, but the end of things in general.  For instance, what is going to happen to my car when I'm done with it or the next person after that?  What happens to the things in our lives when they're no longer in our lives?  Maybe they end up in a festering pile somewhere.  If you live in a fairly green place, you may have a vision that all the stuff you use will somehow magically get recycled and put back into the perpetual loop of usefulness.  I recycle, but I'm pretty confident that most of the stuff that goes int the bin ends up rotting away somewhere out of sight and mind.  For the most part I've been one to try and pass something along if I'm no longer using it.  Eventually though, everything comes to its end.  What is that though?  Most of us probably don't get to truly see the final destination of the things in our lives.

If you were to go back and talk to people from the different eras, it's very likely that they all shared similar fears about the world seemingly spinning out of control.  Each one convinced that things had never been as bad as they were right then.  Today is no different.  The country feels increasingly divided on fundamental issues.  Each side is convinced that they are right and treats anyone opposed to them as the enemy.  It's gotten to the point that I have to wonder if there is any empathy left in the world beyond the initial shock of sadness as you look at your phone and see that heartbreaking headline with numbers that represent people impacted by some tragedy.  I've said before that you have to mentally and emotionally shield yourself otherwise you can drown in the sadness of the world.  Still, it seems like the constant barrage of disasters and violence has gotten us to the point that we willingly forget until the next time something happens. 

Mass shooting, we argue about gun control and the Second Amendment and how it wasn't the weapon that killed those people, but rather the mentally unstable person.  Never mind that we've created a society where it's just accepted that if you want an instrument of death, you just need to go to the store and pick one up.  If someone questions that ability, it immediately devolves into a screaming match between two parties who don't want to hear the other side, much less change their mind.  So while we argue endlessly, the people who have been hurt by gun violence get drowned out by the rhetoric and posturing.  It's easy to debate theoretical ideas in the abstract.  When you're running for your life while someone is shooting at you or hearing that someone you love was a victim of unspeakable violence, it must seem that much more hopeless knowing that regardless of outcome, nothing will change.  The next person this happens to will experience that same hopeless terror of being a statistic in some debate.

Hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, mudslides, and forest fires all remind us that the Earth doesn't give a shit about our petty little problems.  Storms are more frequent and stronger, but as a nation we still can't agree on the scientific facts because doing so would mean some major changes have to happen.  That could cost someone money or force them to abandon what they've been doing their whole life.  It's one thing to be skeptical of something you don't fully understand.  It's another to dismiss it outright because it doesn't match with what's already in your head.  It's another thing entirely to purposefully work against the greater good of people and the planet in order to appease those who profit from harmful industries.  It honestly feels like our country is being run by cartoon villains.  The problem is we don't have Captain Planet or The Avengers protecting us.

Some of the worst aspects of all this is the affect it's had on me internally.  I find myself more likely to stay away from people.  I'm constantly concerned that people are in it for themselves and will take what they can, when they can.  The logical part of my brain keeps trying to remind me that most people are good.  They want what's best for their family and the people they care about.  Still, as I'm driving down the road, I just see the opposition.  Everyone is trying to take.  There isn't enough for everyone and someone is going to get left behind.  The whole world is not the enemy, but it sure feels like it's not a very hospitable place right now.

On Today

As a species we seem to hate ourselves.  It's almost as if we are pre-programmed to be self-destructive.  Even when faced with overwhelming information that is contrary to our beliefs, we still manage to barrel forward into harm and then cry out about how the world isn't fair, that we weren't warned.  I often wonder how we've made it this far when literally every day you can find examples of people falling back on their base instincts to mistrust and hate things they don't understand, including others.  It scares me to think that at this point we are the most enlightened than we've ever been in all of human history and we're still having debates about the very nature of our species.  How can there still be people who believe that a person from a different race is less than someone else?  How can there be men, who are so afraid of women doing anything, that they would threaten them with death?  I'm not talking some developing nation that hasn't figured out electricity or clean drinking water.  This is happening here in America.  This is happening in my town.  How can we still be so backwards in our thinking?  The most frustrating part is that no amount of logic is going to change their minds because they don't want their minds changed.  I've talked before about how perception shapes our reality.  So if someone comes along and says or does something that upends that reality, we tend to react with hostility and even violence.  I sometimes wonder if mankind just needs a different thing to focus on hating.  It wouldn't exactly fix the fundamental problem we have, but it could potentially push off our eventual extinction at our own hands.  Sorry alien travelers, but humans are a bit like determined toddlers, we need to be distracted and redirected otherwise we will put our hands on that hot oven burner, even though someone smarter than us keeps saying "No, that will hurt you".  We need something or someone to focus our anxieties on.  Someone to blame for our troubles.  Because obviously it's not our fault.

I'm still trying to figure out how to explain to my daughter that our society will likely be working against her in ways I've never experienced.  How do I tell her that even walking down the street means being careful because someone bigger than her may see her as an object rather than a person?  Which is at the heart of the problem, we stop seeing each other as people.  There are so many humans on the planet that we can't possibly know them all, therefor most of them are strangers and not people we can care about.  I don't know if there were less of us if it would be any different.  Maybe it is all a matter of scale.  Numbers too large lose all meaning to most people.  Picture a million people in one place at one time.  The individuals stop being a person and just become part of the mass of people.  If a million people die, it's hard to really comprehend what that is like.  Instead think of everyone you know and love.  All the people you like and interact with on a daily basis.  All your Facebook friends, even the ones you don't really know why you're friends with.  All of those people would still only be a fraction of a million people.  Now imagine all those people just died.  That is what's happening around the world.  People, along with everyone they know, are dying on a regular basis and our brains can only register a number.  Because if we were to try and truly empathize with that level of suffering, I think we would break.  We read about disasters, accidents, and attacks with the number of people dead as a highlight of the story.  Dam breaks killing 48 people.  Shooter kills 12 people in a shopping mall.  I can't imagine losing 12 people I know in a single event and yet when I look at the headline, I have to somehow disconnect the reality that those were people.  They have families and stories that came to an abrupt end.  Their lives end and the people left alive will potentially use their deaths to further promote their agenda or try to prove a point.

I've taken a break from writing because I really haven't anything to say.  And in rereading this post, it feels like our world is rather bleak.  Then I remember that we as a species are miracles.  The fact that the universe aligned in such a way that we are able exist should be celebrated.  It's taken for granted that we're here.  Think about what has to happen just for you specifically to exist and continue living.  Maybe the meaning of life is living.  Maybe it's trying to find hope and joy among the sometimes overwhelming sense that the world and our own species doesn't care about you.  Will we ever be enlightened enough to stop hating ourselves?  It's possible.  I think it just takes not giving in or giving up.  Maybe it takes standing up and knowing that your purpose is to make the world better, not just for yourself, but for everyone around you.  Maybe then we have a chance.